Diary of a Humanist Minister

A Humanist Minister presides over a wedding.

Humanism...Odd thing. Odd developments going on in the World of non-belief itself, actually. As Dilly Day Dream shows in her humerous comments on the last post, the humanists appear to be imitating various aspects of Christianity, without God, thus declaring their meaninglessness at the same time, while still performing ceremonies which are meant to have some kind of meaning. Check out this guy, 'Chartered FCIPD Humanist Minister'. I remember reading 'The Diary of a Country Priest' by George Bernanos a few years back. So, I've come up with 'The Diary of a Humanist Minister'. Here is an exclusive excerpt from my stunning new work of humanist fiction. How long before they start making it a matter of grave public offense if they don't go to a service on Sundays, or Tuesdays, or whenever?

September 27th

Dear Diary,

Well, its been a busy day. Got up early because I had a baby-naming celebration to do. I love the baby-naming celebration! We humanists are getting the hang of this religion stuff! Catholics do baptisms, and so we do baby-naming celebrations! Of course, we're not building a religion based on the absence of God, just celebrating the birth of a newly born infant into this world of death, despair and hopelessness. "Congratulations!" I said, to the little baby. "You're called Roger, and this life is all you've got, so enjoy it, it ain't a rehearsal, you won't get another!" How wonderful it would be if all babies were born into a World without religion other than this fabricated man-made one with similar rituals but zero meaning!

November 5th

Dear Diary,

November the 5th! My day off! What a joyous day! Spent the day throwing darts at a Pope Benedict XVI picture with the children and then went to a Guy Fawkes night to watch that Catholic mentalist burn! Thank God he was caught, otherwise, his religion might have caught on in this country...again! God forbid!

December 25th

Dear Diary,

Its Christmas. Everyone's feasting. I'm depressed. I'm fasting in atonement for all the pleasure, feasting and happiness indulged in by Christians as they celebrate the sky-fairy made incarnate. Weirdos!

January 4th

Dear Diary,

A humanist funeral. Oh, diary. I wish I could be more comforting to families who have lost a relative or family member. I must admit the religious do have one up on us on this front. He was a good man, he cared for his wife who was, frankly, a bit of a bitch to him. He couldn't take the strains of the relationship and finally hung himself. I looked at the faces of the children and his shattered spouse. I know she was a handful but she did love him. Anyway, so I pronounced the words of assured oblivion and eternal nothingness and let them go on their way. Poor things. If only God existed, maybe he could help them! Nah!

February 14th

Dear Diary,

Took the wife out for a Valentine's meal. I don't know why she insists! I tell her not to maintain these Christian feasts, but what does she do? "I'm a humanist minister!" I tell her, "We don't celebrate St Valentine, martyr of the Church." But, no! Just like she gives Easter eggs to the children at Easter and even insists on a mangy old, spangly, gold, Christmas tree at Christmas in the corner of the room, she insists on being taken out for Valentine's Day. Note to self. This year devote more energy to proselytising her on the truths of the humanist beliefs! She's so unorthodox, it feels like some kind of mixed marriage. Note to self. Urge caution to humanists to only marry humanists so they can bring the children up to be humanists. Humanists should marry within the, err..non-faith. It just creates problems later down the line if they don't!

March 9th

Dear Diary,

Oh my, err! Got a call from Richard Dawkins! The man himself! My knees trembled as if I were talking to the most important man on earth! He's so charismatic and charming! He's like our Pope or something! Anyway, this has to be the proudest moment of my life. I've only been a humanist minister a year or two but he has commissioned me to write the Catechism of the Humanist Association! Oh boy! Me, oh my! Who would have thought it, eh!? I know I'll need time to think about this but let's just ponder for a moment. Who made me? Err...Well, my mum and dad made me. Why did they make me? Err...Because they were feeling randy? No, that sounds silly. Must be something more to it than that! Hmm...Why? Why are we here? There is no why! Just...Hmm...Maybe I could collaborate with another humanist minister on this one. Two heads are better than one, I say! Got it! We evolved and we are here to evolve more. That sounds right. No, still sounds like there would have to be a Hand behind even that. We're just here by total, freakin' accident! What more can I say! It's a miracle, but NOT one from God because He doesn't exist. It's Lent...Lent, for Chrissakes! So, obviously, I've taken up smoking again and I'm back on the Big Macs. Putting on a little weight. Oh, my body looks so haggard. Must admit the Christians have one up on us there as well, bloody nutjobs. They think they'll receive perfect bodies at the Resurrection! Mentalists, but I envy them that! Now, how much is botox?

April 4th

A wedding! Oh, I do love a good wedding! All the smiles, all the flowers, the sun shining, the birds singing happily. The bride was beautiful and I knew the groom, Alan, from my University days. Glad he has come over to the Humanist brigade. Thankfully, Christine, a humanist volunteer, was there to do the flower arranging. Oh, but I do love a good wedding! It is simply a joy when I stand there, as a humanist minister and say to the couple, "Do you promise to love, cherish, honour and obey each other as long as it is convenient and until the sex dies back a bit and you find someone new?" They say, "I do!" and when they say that, I just know that this one is the one that will last! Just had a thought. Humanists need some kind of protection from the Equality Act so that they aren't offended. Harriet will help everyone I hear...Well...nearly everyone!