CCC's New English Translation of the Mass Out Soon

Catholics for a Changing Church have announced that a new English translation of the Roman Missal will be released soon.

In what amounts to a radical shift in the liturgy the group maintain that their translation is 'more faithful and accurate to the latin'. The new missal will be strikingly different to what the Church has been used to since the Second Vatican Council.

Controversial aspects of the new translation include the replacement of the phrase 'God our Father' with 'Daddy', 'Lord' with 'O Lordy, Lordy' and 'we ask this through Christ our Lord' with 'for Chrissakes'.

The Kyrie, or 'Lord, have mercy, Christ have mercy' part of the Mass has been replaced by the new translation, "Oops, we did it again, soz Lord."

References to the 'Mother of God' are to be replaced with 'Ma' and the 'St' before names of saints and martyrs of the canon has been removed to be replaced with absolutely nothing.

The new translation of the Sanctus is one part of the Mass which has drawn the most criticism from the more traditional wing of the Church, who are angered that the 'Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God of Hosts' has been replaced by the prayer, "Once, twice, three times a holy, man, this dude in Heaven is holy and there ain't no doubt 'bout that, man."

The Agnus Dei, also, has drawn criticism as the phrase 'Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the World' has been translated as, 'Lamby Lord, with minty sauce, you take away the discrimination of the Church, both here and er...abroad.'

A spokesman for Catholics for a Changing Church defended the new translation last night, saying, "The Pope has to get with the times and so should the whole Church. God has changed, its part of His nature to change constantly and above all, we think He wants the Christian community to celebrate the fact that we're all mates in Christ our Diversity. The new translation of the liturgy is reflective of the fact that we're Jesus's mates and we're all mates in Jesus. Talking to God should be like talking to your mates down the pub. Catholics for a Changing Church are waiting for the Pope to acknowledge that. Like, chill out, man! It's only God! Do you know where I can get some pot?"

The head of the Latin Mass Society was unavailable for comment, having been said to have gone into a state of long term catatonia upon reading the CCC's new translation. His wife asks for prayers to be said that he may emerge from it soon.