The Equality & Human Rights Commission Hotline



The Equality and Human Rights Commission begins working in earnest, stamping upon inequality, unfairness and discrimination like a deranged elephant playing Twister. Wherever it puts its foot, someone's going to get hurt and opening moves suggest that someone will be the Church.

Conversation #147

[Ring, ring...ring, ring]

Operator: “Hello, ‘Equality Commission’, Gordon speaking, how can I help?”

Member of public: “Oh yes, hello. Is that the ‘National Hotline for the Persecution of Christians’?”

Operator: “No, this is the ‘Department for Equality’ but I am sure we can help. What seems to be the matter?”

Member of public: “Oh, good. Well, I thought I’d best call. I was just on my to picking up some fish and chips for myself and the family when I was deeply offended. The chip shop owners had a Crucifix on the wall and and an image of the Infant of Prague. I’m an atheist and this has offended me deeply because it has upset my narrow world-view.”

Operator: “I see. Well, let us know the address of this seditious so called ‘fish and chips’ establishment and we’ll see what we can do. It may be that we can issue some kind of an ASBO or apply to the European Court of Human Rights to close them down if they don’t take the Crucifix down. “

Member of public: “Okay, great. Well the address is 49 Battermycod Park Road, Battermygod, London SW1 9JH.”

Operator: “Thanks for the information and we’ll call you back when we’ve acted on it.

Member of public: “Great, thanks very much...”

Conversation #376

[Ring, ring...ring, ring]

Operator: “Hello, ‘Equality Commission’, Ed speaking, how can I help?”

Member of public: “Oh, hello. I was just calling because I was just getting off the bus with some shopping when a young man asked me if I needed a hand with my heavy bags. So, naturally I said, “Yes, please.” He helped me to get off the bus with all my shopping which was very kind but then as he got off and turned to go on his way, he said, “Alright, love. God bless!” I was shocked and offended and I don’t need his religion thrust down my throat, so I called the ‘National Hotline for the Persecut -’, I mean, the ‘Department for Equality’ Hotline to notify you straight away.

Operator: “Well, it is good that you have alerted us to this flagrant attack on Equality. What did this violent menace of a gentleman look like and we’ll contact him? He sounds like a terrorist.”

Member of public: “Okay, he was about 6 ft, wearing a brown jacket, blue jeans. Was relatively slim, but I think, if you contact the bus company you’ll be able to get CCTV of him at the exact time he was helping me.”

Operator: “Wonderful. We’ll give you a call back in a day to get more details, we’ve logged your call...”

Conversation #1984

[Ring, ring...ring...ring]

Operator: “Hello, ‘Department for Equality’, Harriet speaking, how can I help?”

Member of public: “Hello, I wish to make a complaint. I’m a Catholic priest and I’ve just had a raging Satanist ask if he can hire my church community centre in order to worship the devil, sacrifice a couple of virgins and practise sodomy. Naturally, I said, ‘No’ because its an affront to the Catholic Faith to allow it to happen, you understand...”

Operator: “I see. Well, I don’t think we can help you because its his right to be a Satanist and to hire your centre, so I think you’ve called the wrong number. In fact, you could be liable for prosecution if we discover you have discriminated...”

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