Exclusive: 'Romeo and Juliet' (Revised, Balls Version)

Romeo: "Here, Juliet, you're well fit. Fancy a shag?"

Juliet: "Cheers, Romeo. I want to do it with you but I'm afraid about our warring families and also all my friends are getting pregnant, either being teen mothers or killing their unborn children. I'm a bit young for sex. It would be nice if we were married and we could be together forever and have children."

Romeo: "But Juliet! I've got some condoms since I used a C-Card and got shitloads from Boots."

Juliet: "Oh, that's great. But I still think its wrong. Hang on, here's Friar Lawrence!"

Friar Lawrence: "Hi peeps! What can I do for you poor, mislead and tragedy-stricken star-crossed lovers?"

Juliet: "Friar Lawrence, I wonder can you give me and Romeo some advice. See, we wish desperately to be together. Romeo's putting pressure on me to put out first night and I want a bit of security. I want us to be married."

Friar Lawrence: "Married, you say?! Oh, I see. Well, I'd love to put the Church's vision of the sanctity of marriage to you but due to the recent legislation, I can't really, as that would be tantamount to me not teaching contraception, homosexualtiy, abortion and all that malarky. Here. I've got a cucumber and a prophylactic. I'll have a go first and then its your turn."

(Puts condom on cucumber)

"That's how you do it Juliet. And you may want to remember this too, Romeo, since at some point you may discover your homosexuality or just fancy some XXX man on man action and want to get it on with a guy. Sorry, Romeo, I see you have a few bruises there. Have you been a victim of homophobic bullying?"

Romeo: Er...What's that?

Friar Lawrence: "Has someone picked on you at school because you are a homosexual? You know, gay? Maybe you like guys and all? You want to have sex with guys? If you do, I've got these diagrams on how its done, newly issued by the Government. You see how you-"

Romeo: "Er...Thanks, but no, it was about something else."

Friar Lawrence: "Well dear children, it all seems clear to me that you have a happy relationship ahead. Here are a few condoms, a copy of Pink Paper Junior and some leaflets on the local Marie Stopes clinic. Now, you kids run along and have fun. Juliet? Have you thought of going on the pill? Or there's these great new implants young girls can have to prevent pregnancy. Don't worry, Juliet, your virginity and purity doesn't matter. The most important thing is that you and Romeo have a sexual relationship and use those condoms. Oh, and by the way, if he gets you up the duff, remember you have various pregnancy options. You could have the child, but you're awfully young and you don't need that kind of responsibility. You'd make a great lawyer after all! You could abort it down the local BPAS clinic. Of course, you could call LIFE UK, but they'll only try and support you in your pregnancy and offer you practical, compassionate and concerned help to aid you in keeping the baby if you are in distress, and that wouldn't be fair on you, now would it?"

Juliet: "But Friar Lawrence, I thought you were a Friar! I don't underst-"

Friar Lawrence: "Yes, obviously in the eyes of God and His Church, that would be murder but, hey, who am I, a Friar not to show you the options and to give you information on how to access an abortion? After all, I do work in a Catholic school every now and then and this does amount to a sex education class because you've come to me for wise and prudent advice about sex and relationships and I'm teaching you.

Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, or you could have it adopted. But that wouldn't go down well in your family, I know how much they argue and have their reputations to think of, so I suggest abortion because I should really tow the Government line on this one, because, if truth be told, there's an Ofsted inspector standing over there listening to what I'm saying and if I don't say this the school might get shut down. Obviously, that's not the Church's position but I have to give you information and let's face it, your parents don't have to know about it. I know that these abortion clinics are really confidential about this kind of thing. Anyway, the main thing is that you guys start experimenting right away and just see what happens."

Available for £12.99 with free revised York Notes from all reputable DfCFS Booksellers.