Master of Spin Slips Up

According to The Telegraph, 'Lord Mandelson, the Business Secretary, came close to falling for the Downing Street photographers’ trap as he allowed them a tantalising glimpse of his bundle of confidential papers.'

Apparently, these documents outline the attacks Labour plans upon the opposition in order to, totally against the odds, secure yet another stunning electoral victory. That The Bones You Have Crushed May Thrill can reveal, exclusively, the contents of Mandelson's brief.

a) Buy ice pick.

b) Insert ice pick into Gordon Brown's back when he's not looking.

c) Take over as Labour leader and dab away tears at former PM's funeral in glare of world's media.

d) Tell the World I want to be the 'People's Prime Minister' because that kind of crap worked for Tony, so its sure to work for me.

e) Remain unpopular but rig election through elaborate electoral ward boundary re-definement.

f) Ratchet up the 'terror/flu pandemic/economic chaos' threat level to 9.5 a week before the election. Claim I'm the only guy to see the populace through.

g) Win election, rule supreme and move into Number 10 with Ronaldo, making myself king and going down in history as the first openly gay guy in power. Ban all future elections. Yippee!