The Holy Father is Coming to the UK!

You heard it here first! Okay, you probably didn't...Amazing news from The Telegraph!

"Oi, you Brits! Come to Papa!"

I've just been handed an official schedule of the Holy Father's visit. Here it is...

10.30am Papal High Sung Mass at St Mary Magdalen's Church, Brighton, with local priests as deacons and sub-deacons.

11.30pm Coffee with the parishioners of St Mary Magdalen's Church, Brighton and a swift Fanta at The Windmill, where he says he needs a light for his fag. Even rabid atheists go onto their knees and hold their lighters up to the Holy Father, like in that Marilyn Monroe flick. He enjoys one of Fr Ray's Camels with Fr Ray, me, and all of the parishioners some of whom never smoked before. All this we do inside the pub and break the smoking ban, but nobody cares because its the flippin' Pope!!! Bar staff at The Windmill come over and break open a dozen bottles of champagne, saying, "It's on the house, Your Holiness," having kissed his hands and feet. He blesses them, they rise and go back to serving customers. The Holy Father chinks glasses with Fr Ray, has a sip or three and then says, 'Must dash! May Almighty God bless you in the Name of the Father and of the Son and the Holy Spirit!'

1pm Meeting in London with the Bishops of England and Wales.

1.03pm Bishops of England and Wales make official statement publicly calling on all Priests to learn the Traditional Latin Mass...Now!

1.05pm Lunch with Richard Dawkins

1.06pm Dawkins cries like a baby, converts and asks for Baptism and the location of the nearest Carthusian monastery.

2pm Meeting with Her Royal Highness the Queen

2.05pm Queen requests intensive RCIA course. Prince Charles begs the Holy Father to address climate change and save the planet. Pope Benedict XVI tells him to save his soul and that the planet can go spin on its axis like it always has done and always will until the Lord Jesus returns in Glory at the End of Time and that if the Lord's main concern were that we save the rainforests he would have flippin' said so during His Ministry on Earth.

2.06pm Prince Charles converts to Catholicism.

3.30pm Meets Gordon Brown PM. PM asks if the Holy Father has a spare 'moral compass' on him as he seems to have lost his. Holy Father passes him a penny Catechism.

3.35pm Gordon Brown converts to the Holy Faith, reverses the smoking ban, bans abortion, tells Stonewall to get knotted, promotes marriage and England is Our Lady's Dowry glorious and everyone goes home and prays the Rosary in thanksgiving for the reconversion of the British Isles!

6pm Arrives in Birmingham and canonises Cardinal John Henry Newman.

Well, we can dream!


Gabriella said…
Beautiful :)

Maybe with a bit of prayer the dream will come true ...
Kate said…
Fantastic news isn't it?
I love your itinerary!
Bill of L.A. said…
You forgot about Harriet Harman: "Holy Father, in honor of your visit, please permit me to enter Carmel at 59!"
No it's my birthday, Catholic women's Book Club, & then a beatification..
Mac McLernon said…
You forgot to mention he was stopping off at Blackfen for Vespers and then popping in to the Parish Club for a pint...
I was assuming Blackfen would be there!
Shepherd said…
Excellent schedule, I could also hope that the HF might speak at Wembley Stadium and address all the nuns in the UK. Well, maybe a parish hall would be large enough.
Full habits to be distributed afterwards and twin sets and pearls to be donated to the developing world.
Jane said…
After the meeting with the Bishops Conference, an announcement will be made to the effect that all vacant sees and auxiliary episcopal posts will be filled immediately by Fathers Blake, Finigan, Finnegan, Boyle and other priests of equally outstanding orthodoxy. Laurence 'opens a book' on which of them will get Birmingham and Leeds, the latter having fallen vacant because of the surprise retirement of Bishop Roche.

At Mass in Westminster Cathedral His Holiness will announce that he's going to pinch the Cathedral Choir ss many times a year as he can get away with, and have them sing Gregorian Chant and Renaissance Polyphony in St. Peter's and the Sistine Chapel.

During his six day trip the Pope will visit the shrines of Our Lady of Walsingham and Our Lady of the Taper and reveal that he had refused to come to UK unless these holy places were included in his itinerary.
Shepherd said…

Yes, Our Lady of the Taper in Cardigan should be on the list....Fr Jones is doing sterling stuff for the Extraordinary Form Mass and who would wish to take the HF to St David's Catherdral in Cardiff? It looks like a Masonic lodge (not that I've ever been inside one)!
Anonymous said…
Delightful! Bravo!

Barbara, Venice Italy