You heard it here first! Okay, you probably didn't...Amazing news from The Telegraph!
"Oi, you Brits! Come to Papa!"
I've just been handed an official schedule of the Holy Father's visit. Here it is...
10.30am Papal High Sung Mass at St Mary Magdalen's Church, Brighton, with local priests as deacons and sub-deacons.Well, we can dream!
11.30pm Coffee with the parishioners of St Mary Magdalen's Church, Brighton and a swift Fanta at The Windmill, where he says he needs a light for his fag. Even rabid atheists go onto their knees and hold their lighters up to the Holy Father, like in that Marilyn Monroe flick. He enjoys one of Fr Ray's Camels with Fr Ray, me, and all of the parishioners some of whom never smoked before. All this we do inside the pub and break the smoking ban, but nobody cares because its the flippin' Pope!!! Bar staff at The Windmill come over and break open a dozen bottles of champagne, saying, "It's on the house, Your Holiness," having kissed his hands and feet. He blesses them, they rise and go back to serving customers. The Holy Father chinks glasses with Fr Ray, has a sip or three and then says, 'Must dash! May Almighty God bless you in the Name of the Father and of the Son and the Holy Spirit!'
1pm Meeting in London with the Bishops of England and Wales.
1.03pm Bishops of England and Wales make official statement publicly calling on all Priests to learn the Traditional Latin Mass...Now!
1.05pm Lunch with Richard Dawkins
1.06pm Dawkins cries like a baby, converts and asks for Baptism and the location of the nearest Carthusian monastery.
2pm Meeting with Her Royal Highness the Queen
2.05pm Queen requests intensive RCIA course. Prince Charles begs the Holy Father to address climate change and save the planet. Pope Benedict XVI tells him to save his soul and that the planet can go spin on its axis like it always has done and always will until the Lord Jesus returns in Glory at the End of Time and that if the Lord's main concern were that we save the rainforests he would have flippin' said so during His Ministry on Earth.
2.06pm Prince Charles converts to Catholicism.
3.30pm Meets Gordon Brown PM. PM asks if the Holy Father has a spare 'moral compass' on him as he seems to have lost his. Holy Father passes him a penny Catechism.
3.35pm Gordon Brown converts to the Holy Faith, reverses the smoking ban, bans abortion, tells Stonewall to get knotted, promotes marriage and England is Our Lady's Dowry glorious and everyone goes home and prays the Rosary in thanksgiving for the reconversion of the British Isles!
6pm Arrives in Birmingham and canonises Cardinal John Henry Newman.