Friday, 18 September 2009

Cabinet Discussing Spending Cuts



BBC News reports that the Cabinet are, right now, discussing spending cuts. Well, what with the British Government operating an Orwellian surveillance society in the UK, putting CCTV cameras more or less everywhere, I took it upon myself to bug the Cabinet meeting room and here, yes here on the Bones, I have reproduced what the Cabinet have been saying.

PM Gordon Brown: "Well comrades, ahem, I mean colleagues, I've royally screwed up both during my time as Chancellor of the Exchequer when I allowed the banks to lend recklessly and during my tenure in Number 10, making myself the most unpopular Prime Minister since the last gun-toting cowboy who lived here. The economy is in the toilet. So, we're going to have to make cuts. What should we cut? Darling?"

Darling: "Cuts? Well, we should cut stuff important to people who don't vote so much. Go for the weak, lame, poor and powerless, preferably the voiceless."

PM Gordon Brown: "Can you be more specific, Darling?"

Darling: "Alright then. Anyone on benefits. Cut benefits for the long-term sick, unemployed and the elderly. Even better cut the elderly.

PM Gordon Brown: "Cut the elderly?"

Darling: "Yeah, cut them. There's too many of them. They're frail and don't produce stuff for the Gross National Product. What's the point in them?! The nation isn't ready for euthanasia yet, but we can sell it to them once they realise how expensive old people are and we haven't got any money to care for them since you and I flushed billions of pounds down the crapper and bailed out failing toxic banks."

PM Gordon Brown: "Anyone else in mind?"

Darling: "Yes. People with mental health problems and people with learning disabilities. A lot of them don't work. Some of them are in day centres all day long or engaged in voluntary work. Voluntary work? What's the point in that? Also, long term sick people with bad backs and stuff. We give these people money and what do they do? Well, they might do something but they're not doing anything for the ailing, flagging economy that you and I incompetently wrecked."

PM Gordon Brown: "He's right team. Well, I think that's the spending cuts covered. Now, let's all go down to that gratuitously expensive restaurant down the road."

Darling: "Oooh, yes, that place is a bit too pricey for me, though. Since I've become Chancellor I've become a lot more prudent, like you were, the Iron Chancellor, especially since the credit crunch and the Global Economic Recession, the consequences of which mean that I must keep repeating that we are not responsible for any of it and are by no means implicated in our country's sad demise."

PM Gordon Brown: "Oh Darling. You are an Iron Chancellor after my own iron heart. Don't worry. We'll put it on the expenses. Anything to add team? No? Okay, meeting over. You can take the gaffa tape off the rest of the Cabinet's mouths now, Darling."

Darling: "Right away, PM. Cracking meeting!"

1 comment:

Physiocrat said...

"People with learning difficulties" - isn't that a good description of both the Cabinent and the Shadow Cabinet?

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