Monday, 6 April 2009

Weight! Watch Out! Fat Tests Are On the Weigh!

'Look at these happy, fit, healthy people. Be like them, otherwise, we'll send you to the fat gulag, I mean gym.'

According to The Telegraph today, everyone between the age of 40 and 74 will be called into their GPs for a fat test and prescribed weight management and exercise if they are found to be (horror of horrors!) overweight.

'It is the first systematic programme to measure body weight in adults and GPs will be expected to test 2.25m people a year with each person called back on average once every five years for another check.

The 'Healthy Weight Healthy Lives; one year on' report, outlines the Government strategy to tackle obesity with the 'ambition' of being the first nation to reverse the rising tide of obesity.

NHS staff will also be targeted as estimates show of the 1.2m people working in the NHS, 300,000 will be obese and a further 400,000 are likely to be overweight...'

Now, personally I'm a bit underweight coming in at 10 stone at a height of about 6 ft. According to my BMI, I'm underweight, and too skinny. I'd like to see the Government take a more pro-active approach to the chronic British problem of being pallid and slim. I'd like to see compulsory scrawniness tests, whereby I am called in to see my GP to be given a 12 month plan to eat more cakes and roast dinners, in order to put on those all important few pounds which would give me the 'optimum Government weight', so that I can be considered a useful and productive member of the Volk, sorry, I mean, country.

Honestly, if I were 'overweight' or over my optimum BMI and I got called in to see my doctor for a fat test, I'd tell him to sling his hook...

Doctor: "You realise why you're here don't you?"

Patient: "Is it serious doctor? Break it to me gently."

Doctor: "Yes, I'm afraid its serious. You're too fat. Get some exercise and eat more fruit and vegetables and less cakes and chocolate."

Patient: "Stuff you, Doctor, and your fat plan. Who are you to judge me or tell me what to eat, how to exercise, or how to conduct any aspect of my life whatsoever. Take a look at yourself you judgmental prick."

Doctor: "But this is for your own good."

Patient: "Screw you, you Nazi ****bag. Tell you what. You can shove your fat plan up your a*se and I'll go out and buy an extra large Kit Kat, and really enjoy it, just to spite you and your puritan, eugenics-based ideology that assumes that people are valuable on the way they look, or their weight, rather than the fact they are made in the image and likeness of God. I'm going to enjoy my Kit Kat, so screw you, and your sinister Dr Gillian McKeith-faeces-inspecting-pseudo-scientific-crackpot-nutritional ideas. How dare you, you rude, insolent little s**t."

Doctor: 'Nurse, restrain him."

Patient: 'Get your hands off me, you filthy swine."

Doctor: "You will eat your five portions of fruit and vegetables a day! You will live by my fat plan! There's nothing you can do! You belong to us now! Nurse, call security and get this renegade to the nearest concentration ca-, I mean, gym you can find!"

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