In the aftermath of the latest news on Swindle Flu, another, new, lethal and deadly strain of flu has emerged. The new variant, '1Flu-2SwamBut-3RemainedStanding' strain is transmitted by the media and can only be caught by coming into contact with the media, either by TV, radio, internet or reading newspapers.
One man in Lincolnshire has been rumoured to have being infected by teletext, but confirmation of this is still awaited, as it had long been assumed that people had stopped using teletext years ago.
The origins of the new strain are said to be in the offices of BBC and Sky News in London, where 'media-types', known by some as 'media swine', known to be vulnerable to the transmission of moral panic viruses and scaremongering diseases, had gathered in large numbers.
The virus mutated and can now be spread from the media to humans. Whether it can be passed from human to human is another matter altogether. It is reported that it is possible that the 'media flu' can be passed human to human if people go around saying, "Crikey! This flu is everywhere! What to do!? I think its time we all shat ourselves and ran around telling everyone to panic!"
Symptoms to look out for include periods of inexplicable moral panic, constant and beyond parody coverage of 'new developments' of the flu and the highly repetitive use of the words, 'global,' and 'pandemic', to create a heightened state of fear, not seen in such intensity since the weeks preceding the Iraq War, when the repetitive use of such loaded phrases as 'war on terror', 'terror', 'terrorism' and 'weapons of mass destruction' was employed by both Government and media.
The World Health Organisation, so named because whenever they are on TV, the public think, 'WHO on earth are you?', advise that should you be infected with the new strain of 'media flu', the most sensible advice is to stay in and continue to become more paranoid, while watching the chief spokesperson of the WHO ratchet up the 'emergency-apocaylptic-rabid fear-mongering' level to 7.
Other more independent health sources advise you turn off your TV and go out for a walk in the fresh air.