Thursday, 23 April 2009

"I Can Clone Human Beings"

Well, its been a long, long night I can tell you. However, after having built a small laboratory in the bathroom, read 'Human Cloning: A Guide for Beginners,' by Professor Total Andutternutjob, I have achieved what only one other insane scientist has achieved. I can clone human beings. Don't worry, though. Even though I have brazenly usurped God's creative powers, making Him apoplectically angry, while totally screwing around with things man should not, totally messing with the natural order and nature itself, it is all worth it because I can go to The Independent now and say, with a smug grin on my face, "I can clone human beings"...."Mwa-haha-haha-haha....Mwa--haha-haha-haha-haha"

....."Mwa-haha-haha-haha..." And don't worry, the fact that I have made this breakthrough, and the breakthrough is that "I can clone human beings", the fruits of my bathroom-based, genius, academic research will only be used for good in the World. The clones that I make, unlike in all those movies like Bladerunner, these clones will have rights. Oh yes. When I make clones, they will have the right to have their organs harvested when they reach the age of 21, so that non-cloned people can have fresh organs. Also, even though I will be the father of all these clones, since I have negated entirely the process of actual fertilisation, by cloning, these children will have the right to my paternity, until I see fit that I don't love them, since though they are the result of my megalomaniac ego, rather than sexual intercourse with my spouse, I will grow to hate them like Victor Frankenstein did his monster-creation. At that point I will put them all up for adoption and just try and get rid of them, or hand them over to the Government, to be used as domestic slaves for the rich, who will pay them in lentils.

By the way...any priests out there? Would a cloned human being be touched by Christ's redemption? Would a cloned human being be beyond the remit of the Church or embraced by Her? Would a cloned human being have a soul, since conception never took place, nor fertilisation? Would the Church baptise a cloned baby or is it really not a human being? Because, if it isn't a human being, I suppose the Government would give it no rights at all...unless it was totally fit, totally healthy, athletic and devoid of all potential for disease, like a Nazi super-race, then the Government would give it exemplary rights...What a moral minefield! Best to leave alone, I'd imagine.

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