'Iceland Volcano Was Abused', Says Times, Vatican Erupts in Denial

The Times has today published an exclusive report on the Iceland volcano eruption, alleging that the volcano is erupting now because it was abused in the 1960s. The trauma of the abuse was built up for years and only now has the victim, in this case, a large ancient volcano, felt able to release its contents and spill everything high into the atmosphere and onto the front pages of every newspaper in the World.

The volcano last erupted in 1821 but religious correspondent, Ruth Gledhill, in her article, 'The Catholic Church's Magma Chamber and Why The Pope Should Be Arrested Before Being Turned into a Lava Lamp', suggests that an Icelandic priest, Fr Molten Rojk who has, since the allegations were made, died, was sent on a mission to the region and was noted by others to have been seen walking around the volcano base, acting suspiciously and touching the mountain in a 'strange way'.

His Bishop, now Cardinal Covejr Uppja Abujse, said by Vatican observers to be close to the Pope, heard of the rumours that the Priest concerned had touched the volcano inappropriately but did not report the Priest to the geological authorities, instead moving him to another parish in Rekjavik after a course of intensive therapy at the capital's Institute for Geological Survey'.

In a signed letter from the then Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, Head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the now reigning Pope wrote: "I hope you are doing okay. Be careful, especially, with that massive volcano. If this thing blows and gets out into the open, we might have to get you out of there so to speak.'

Reporters have gathered close to the volcano (seen pictured above) to try to interview the geological phenomenom with new technology that can sense emotional trauma and to take pictures of the incredible eruption that has caused widespread anxiety and mayhem not only to travellers at home and abroad, but to the Vatican itself, in what amounts to the latest scandal to rock the Pope and the Catholic Church, now covered, as it is, in a gigantic ash cloud of scandal, abuse and cover up, engulfing the whole of Europe and beyond.