Thursday, 5 November 2009

Dawkins Vs God: 'Ding Ding, Round One!'

Commentator 1: “Well, you join us here at a packed arena, full of the great, the good and the downright grotesquely wealthy. Tonight's big fight, Richard 'The Godbuster' Dawkins Vs God, brought to you by our sponsors, 'Fry's Chocolate Cream'. Jim, what do you think tonight has in store for us?”

Commentator 2: "This fight has been brewing for quite a long time, John. Simmering rivalries and tensions unite these two combatants in mutual distrust and suspicion. It's incredible really. In one corner of the ring you have Dawkins, a ferocious competitor, unbeaten in a career spanning years in the ring of atheism, so certain and self-assured, after a somewhat less lucrative and more obscure period in scientific research into the pecking habits of chickens, and then, on the other, Almighty God Who doesn't seem to be so impressed with money, saying in His pre-match press conference that His Kingdom was not of this World. I don't know what He meant by that. John can you shed any light on that?"

Commentator 1: “You have me beat there, Jim. I guess time will tell what He meant. Yes, Jim. It's a thriller – a real clash of the titans. I for one can't wait to see who emerges victorious. Dawkins seemingly has the upper hand, and let's face it, in what is a 'survival of the fittest' match-up, the good money would be on Dawkins, but you can never rule the Lord out and as He has proved so many times, just when you think He is down, he comes back gloriously and totally against the odds! Bookies say he doesn't have a prayer, but many people are still keeping the Faith in times when it seems most unlikely! Dawkins has come out to Tina Turner's 'Simply the Best'.”

Commentator 2: “A classic John. That's classic Turner. You know, I don't know how she coped with Ike. He was so nasty to her. A real control freak! Still, the all-forgiving Lord has entered the ring now to a small group of Carthusian monks singing the Te Deum. The Lord as His usual humble Self is going for something less grand. He's so humble, the Lord, He doesn't do all the grandstanding and obscene, self-serving posturing Dawkins goes in for. Still, you've got to hand it to Dawkins, what with all that money, status and publicity he's accrued from his fighting career, he's bound to have let some of the hype go to his head. I hear he's even written an autobiography. What was it called again? Oh yes, the God De-”

Ding ding, round one...

Commentator 2: “And round one is under way! Dawkins comes out of his corner fighting! The Lord appears nervous as if confronted with a gross and evil ideology. Dawkins issues a right hander, well defended by the Lord. The Lord is doing well, moving in, a bit of ducking and diving and giving Dawkins a little glare every now and then almost as if He is teasing him a little but quite lovingly.”

Commentator 1: “To me, at the moment this match looks even Stephens. They're checking each other out, you know. I don't know. We know that Dawkin's research into the ways and moves of the Lord are not the best. You can see this by his almost total neglect of the Life of Christ in his studies and concentration on the processes by which nature works, which, let's face it, if we all thought and acted like that we'd be killing each other for each others land, property and valuables near daily.”

Commentator 2: “That's a thought provoking insight, John. He does seem to neglect the existence of a Moral Law handed down generation to generation and, in his pursuit of scientific and empirical analysis of data forgets that the Lord's ways are actually beyond his comprehension.”

Commentator 1: “Yes, its even at the moment, all square. Did you know, Jim, that my wife makes the most tremendous apple crumble? She made it for me and the kids last night and I can tell you, it was something el-”

Commentator 2: “What's this?! Dawkins has the Lord on the ropes. Oh my! Its almost as if God has turned in on Himself and contradicted His own Nature. It is almost as if the Lord is allowing Himself to be defeated by the power of Evil. Well, John, this is unheard of! The Lord isn't fighting back! What do you make of it?”

Commentator 1: “The is quite unprecedented! We all know how powerful the Lord is and His ways are not like ours, His thoughts beyond our comprehension, but I've never seen this before. Talk about turning the other cheek! The Lord is accepting every blow that Dawkins lands upon his tender and sacred Head.”

Commentator 2: “Oh my Word. This is a bloodbath. The Lord is really taking a battering out there. Thank God for the bell!”

Commentator 1: “Well, I don't know how the Lord is going to carry on with this. How can this be the God we know? The God of Wrath and Power? The Almighty? The God of Flood and Fire?! An almighty mess more like! He's fallen down, once, if not twice, perhaps thrice but still keeps going. He's being aided there by His assistant, Simon Cyrene, who appeared at first reluctant to help but decided to take compassion on God made flesh and utterly vulnerable. I know His Mother is watching right now. What must be going through her mind, John?”

Commentator 2: “Well it must be agonising for her, Jim. She's watched over Him all of her life, cradled Him in her arms, seen Him grow and become a Man and seen Him minister to and heal thousands in His time. What is more, His supporters at this point seem to have fled, almost denying they even know Him. The whole crowd appear on Dawkin's side. Only one or two seem loyal to Him. Men and women are cursing Him and even those He helped are spitting upon him there in the stands.”

Ding ding, Round 2...

Commentator 1: “Dawkins is still going in for the kill. He can taste blood. The Lord looks tired and weak. Utterly defenseless and vulnerable. He looks a sight. I can't believe the medics haven't been called in yet. Yes, he's overwhelming the Lord with punches. The Lord is dazed and confused but still carries on. How much longer can this Tragedy go on?”

Commentator 2: “He's taking it all upon Himself, John. All Dawkin's venom and rage against Him. He's taking it. I don't know how Someone so Innocent and Pure, Good and Humble can be led like this, like a Lamb to the slaughter.”

Commentator 1: “He's fallen down again. The Lord can't take much more of this. Surely the ref has to call time on this.”

Commentator 2: “He's getting crucified out there, John.”

Commentator 1: “It's the final blow, surely. It's a knockout. Dawkins has landed a right hand, then a left firmly into the Lord. Even His feet seem to be pinned down. He's stretched out on the floor as if uniting Heaven to Earth by a sublime and supreme Sacrifice. There's no getting up from this. He's out cold.”

Commentator 2: “Dawkins has nailed Him! How could this have been allowed to happen? Dawkins is standing over Him. He's shouting at Him, “You don't exist! You don't exist! You're a fairy tale! You're just a man! You're weak! Weak! It's the survival of the fittest!”

Commentator 1: “The Lord is grounded. Almost dead to the World, if you like. Dawkins is standing over Him triumphantly and lauding it all over Him. The ref is about to count Him out. He's calling time and surely Dawkins will be declared the winner of this epic contest. The Lord appears utterly disfigured, Jim, a Man of Sorrows, One from whom men turn their faces. O, Jim, see if there is any sorrow like His sorrow!”

One, two, three...

Commentator 2: “Oh my God! What is this!? The Lord has revived! It's a Miracle! He's back from the dead! Dawkins is so stunned by the Lord's very apparent Resurrection that he's left floored! This is unprecedented! I've never seen this before! Dawkins is weeping! He's given in! He's thrown in the towel! My, oh my, John, who would have thought it!? The Lord wins and yet He didn't even throw a punch!”

Commentator 1: “This is unbelievable. I've been in this game for decades now and I've never seen this happen. The crowd have gone wild. I've never seen someone win a fight without laying a finger on the opponent. This is incredible! Dawkins is ashen-faced and humbled. Stunned, it appears. It just goes to show you can never underestimate the Lord God Almighty. How many times have we ruled Him out, Jim, yet He keeps coming back!”

Commentator 2: “Indeed. It just goes to show that true strength is in total and utter dependence on God. Also that strength is in love and not in power and knowledge. Some things are inexplicable and Dawkins did not account for this in his preparations. Not one bit! There are so many theological implications to this Crucifixion and Resurrection story that Mystics and Saints will be writing about this for years to come. The nature of love, the nature of Man, the fragility of the human condition, the consequences of evil and the all-powerful love of the Redeemer...Stunning scenes here at the arena! We'll try and get an interview with the fighters...”

Commentator 1: “So, Richard, how could you have lost that fight? Everything seemed to be going your way.”

Richard 'The Godbuster' Dawkins: “I don't understand it. I had Him! I had Him there and then suddenly He just came back from the dead! I'm flummoxed! I'd done my research but all credit to the Man, He had something I didn't. I guess that something was Divinity.”

Commentator 2: “I'm here with the Lord, after that incredible contest. A real David and Goliath story! Lord, how did that happe...Lord?!...Lord...?! Well, would you believe it?! He's disappeared and gone up as in a cloud as if returning back to the Eternal Father! Well...what can you say? Never one to seek publicity, the Lord God Almighty has vanished out of human sight. Unbelievable scenes here at the arena! John?"

Commentator 1: “Oh my, oh my, oh my. The crowd are lapping it up, Jim. The Lord's victory over sin and death seems to be final. A spontaneous outburst of 'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot' has erupted from the stands. There we have it! Dawkins has been humiliated! The Lord having been glorified through His Suffering Servant. What a debt of gratitude and thanks we owe the Lord for this stunning victory over the power of Evil. May we all learn from His example!”

Commentator 2: “I think we'll be hearing a lot more from the Lord. His followers, I expect, will increase in number and strength.”

Commentator 1: “The Lord, it seems, has the Keys to Death and the Netherworld. He is the Resurrection and the Life! You have to admit, He was always going to have an advantage over Dawkins on that front. Jim?”

Commentator 2: “Astonishing, John. This event will go down in history, so much so, that people might have to restart the calendar...Incredible. A real night to remember. People will be telling their grandchildren about this for years to come...Join us after the break for more reflections on this breathtaking victory in which Love conquered all...even the hardest sceptics and doubters!”

'The Big Match, brought to you by 'Fry's Chocolate Cream'...a Heavenly temptation.'


Athanasius said...

Laurence - this is absolute genius!!

The Bones said...

Cheers Bro. But to God be the glory.

Unknown said...

That was brilliant! Really creative and also amusing.

I sent you a photo I took outside my house of a lovely skyscape with a cross formed by red/ pink clouds at sunrise earlier via email- I hope you like it!

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