The Catholic Playboy?

A rival publication to hit The Tablet where it hurts?

I wrote the following blog post two days ago on notepad on my home pc, but couldn't post it because I don't have internet at home...Since then, events have got out of hand and I've designed and written the first edition of The Indulgencia, a new, monthly or perhaps even weekly Catholic publication. I've been writing and designing it all night since my friend came over and fixed my computer and it is now 8.59 a.m. I am now looking for funding for the first edition and welcome any help you can offer me. Looking over what, with the help of Almighty God and His Saints, I have achieved through the night, I would say that the results are quite impressive. I'm usually quite modest, but my new publication has huge potential for the burgeoning market of Traditional Catholics who support the Holy Father. There are still spaces for other contributers and columnists if they wish to pen something for it. OTSOTA?

A strange day. My parents came over and kindly dropped off some of my stuff. My mum said, "It looks like a shrine to Roman Catholicism." I said, "Oh, don't exaggerate", before she opened up the fridge to huge image of St Therese of Lisieux. Joking! No, really, she did say it looked like a shrine to Roman Catholicism. Of all the statues, cards and pictures of Saints I have, it wouldn't look so fanatical if I were in a 3-bed house. But then again...

I don't want to fall into the cult of meism, but I don't have internet at home at the moment and what with having gone with the Post Office's broadband and phone deal, I'm guessing my package has been held up due to the strikes. So, I have to fall back on my imagination a little. Maybe that's a good thing, as otherwise all I do is read The Telegraph and issue diatribes on pertinent hot topics of the day like some furious, reactionary old goat, and we all know what Our Blessed Lord said about goats.

Lying in bed tonight, however, I put some thoughts on paper. I'm still itching for a career in writing, or even a vocation in it and have been musing on a new publication me and some Catholic friends could start if the Will, God's will, that is, and Grace were there, along with a holy and generous benefactor. Lord knows, I'm ready if someone's got enough to stump up for a first issue. Don't worry I can do it on the cheap at the Resource Centre. Thanks to a friend who came round last night, my computer has been healed of its terrible virus (My word! How on earth did that get there!?).

I've got the computer, I've got Adobe InDesign, Photoshop and all that and I could finally use my arty desk top publishing skills and flair for ranting in print and designing a new, clever, funny, traditional and orthodox without being stuffy-and-up-its-own-arse, highly inspiring Catholic publication which will finally hammer the last nail into the coffin of The Tablet, which, let's face it, is a magazine so naff that even the Housing and Council Tax Benefits department in Brighton, where I used to work, would probably not accept it, opting instead for old copies of OK! and Hello! as per usual. Still, its important to keep some copies of The Tablet by because winter is here and its always useful to keep something back in case there's an energy crisis and we need stuff to burn.

Talking of Housing Benefits, by the way, when I was an admin assistant there, it was my job to keep the stock of absurdly assorted leaflets up to level in the waiting room. I went there today to make a claim for Council Tax benefit and to my astonishment there was not a single leaflet!
I asked a former colleague, "Where have all the leaflets gone?"
She replied, "Well, we thought in the end that we were bombarding people with leaflets all the time and decided to knock them on the head."
'Crikey!' I thought. 'That's a dramatic u-turn!'
I must say it feels a lot more relaxed there and feels a bit more like a wine bar, with 30s style Brighton tourist board posters, odd patterns on the walls and a man at the counter wearing a trilby. Either the team leader is a massive pot smoker or there has been some serious rethinking at the top on customer service-related issues. There weren't any posters on domestic violence or even some LGBT Brighton related nonsense. The poster wall was bare. There weren't any children's books out. There wasn't even the poster for 'Life' counselling and support for those considering abortion or who had procured one which was always there before. Joke...albeit in bad taste.

Anyway, I digress. Browsing over the Latin Mass Society's highly informative publication, 'Mass of Ages' (See the excellent interview with the 92-year-old Maestro Perpetuo of the Sistine Chapel who worked under five Popes, here), I couldn't help thinking that our Holy Mother the Church, at least in this country, needs a new magazine which is less newsy and more entertaining, fusing the splendour and glory of the Faith with humour and sheer, unadulterated, holy joy. The front image of the first issue could be a cartoon of an English Bishop celebrating Mass in the Extraodinary Form with an altar server kneeling behind with a gun saying, "That's good...real good. Now don't turn around until the bit where it says, 'Dominus vobiscum'. You're doing well. Play your cards right and you'll be back at Bishop's House tomorrow."

Well, its an idea anyway. I'm sitting on my tod all day looking for jobs and getting knock backs from temp agencies and even KFC refused my application just two minutes after I did an online form. Two minutes! Was it something I said!? I should have called up Head Office and said, "Look, whatever it is you didn't like, I can change! Can't you see I was born to flip fried chicken all day long?! I love fried chicken. I come to your restaurant every month and sure I feel dirty afterwards but I like that bucket deal! Look! I even wrote you a song about it...Listen...Oh, I see. so you don't like the song?! Well, stuff you and stuff your chicken, y'b*tch! You've probably given my job to some immigrant so I'm off to join the BNP! So you can keep your job now, because in a years time I'll be employed and you'll be in a gulag in on the outskirts of Swansea!"

I can't stay at home all day staring at my fish tank, filling it with second-hand glassware, crockery and cheap plants and arranging an elaborate background tank facia of George Best celebrating a goal with Bobby Charlton, Morrissey, the Holy Father and St Therese of Lisieux all day long, while labouring under the illusion that just because I can play the guitar and overlay some riffs, melodies and vocal harmonies on free recording software that I can single-handedly come up with a best-selling album, all day long, now can I? I was so bored this evening I even sacreligiously took my illuminous St Anthony and plunged him in the fish tank, in honour of his preaching to the fishes, only for the Saint to miraculously float back to the surface, what with being, err, plastic.

My computer is all fired up and ready to go and so am I. Now, where is that application for a 16 month 0% balance transfer? A man in the bank told me to do that today. He said, "I shouldn't be telling you this because my boss is over there, but if you go with Virgin you could get a 0% balance transfer for 16 months and then, just before the 16 months is over you find another balance transfer so you don't have to pay 15% interest if you can't pay it off..." What a kind man! May God bless you, ______ , helpful employee of ____________ Bank, Brighton, just in case I ever get famous and get you the sack by accident. I know its not likely but there we go.

I haven't said my prayer for the Holy Souls today. I like to imagine a Holy Soul arriving in Heaven and then shouting down from the Pearly Gates, leaning over a cloud, "Hey! Cheers, buddy! I owe you! Bigtime! Oh, he can't hear me. How silly of me. Anyway, Peter! Hi! Hi! Like the Keys, Bro. Great look! John! John! Which John are you, again? John of the Cross, you say? Hmm...Sorry. Name rings a bell but...Heck, Jack's the name and I am happy to meet you, sir! Real happy! Mark! Mark! Great Gospel! Loved your Gospel...Hey. You know what?! I love all you guys! You guys are great! Now, where's the party at? Oh, I see. Oh...Oh my God...Holy..."

I think, by the way, that somebody already has copywright on 'Playboy', but the title would need to be quirky. Any comments, thoughts, rebukes, suggestions and disproportionately inflated injections of cash welcome.