St Mary Magdalen's Sin Tin

I've had an idea, for both myself and the other parishioners of St Mary Magdalens, that is, if they wanted to go along with it. Quite a few of us have these St Mary Magdalen Building Fund money tins which are sealed, basically so nobody can break into them to buy fags when they've run out of cash. I don't seem to be putting much of my spare pennies in recently and so I've had the idea of making financial reparation for sins. A not particularly new idea but one quite neglected by the Faithful, perhaps since those who misinterpreted the spirit of Vatican II opened up the windows of the Church to the foul stench of Protestantism. I've composed this small price list...

Sins Against Chastity............................................................................................50p
Sins Against Temperance.....................................................................................25p
Sins Against Charity..............................................................................................75p
Unholy Presumption/Despairing of God's Mercy.............................................£1.50
Swearing/Blasphemy............................................................................................40p
Fornication..............................................................................................................£5
Recourse to Sorcery, Mediums or the Occult....................................................£6.66
Over-Drinking/Drug-Taking/Gambling...............................................................£3.40/£2.80*
The Use of Artificial Contraception in Marriage................................................£3.98
Sins Against the Poor such as refusing alms to one who asks..........................£5.99
The Sin of Sodom....................................................................................................£50/£500**
Wilful Murder..........................................................................................................£1,000
Membership of Secret Societies, Freemasons etc..............................................£5,000***

This scheme could lead to a decrease in sin, an increase in virtue and a steep increase in the coffers of the Building Fund. I'm thinking of asking if monasteries and convents in the UK might also like to be involved in the scheme because we could make a lot of money out of Brothers and Sisters who hate each others guts. And seminaries too! In just half an hour I have already made the Building Fund 50p out of this audacious and industrious project and I'm sure there is more money to come!

Crikey! How much money would we have raised from Tony Blair and Cherie too if they were involved in this money making scam...I mean scheme! If this plan catches on, St Mary Magdalen's Church could have its very own indulgences system and a marble Sanctuary quicker than you can say Jack Robinson in Latin! Jackus Robinsionis!

Please note that this scheme is one of Reparation for sin and in no way does it denigrate the Sacraments of God which we should have recourse to for all of our sins, mortal, venial or crying out to Heaven for Vengeance. If you do not keep up with your sin repayments your possessions are liable to be removed from your property and sold to pay for the Building Fund and St Anthony's Bread by England & Co Baliffs Ltd.

*£3.40 for lager/spirits and mixer drinkers and £2.80 for ale/bitter drinkers, with a flat rate of £3.40 for heavy gamblers and drug users.

**There are two rates for the Sin of Sodom, £50 if it is an unforeseen and unplanned sin of human weakness and desperation and £500 if it is chosen deliberately out of lifestyle choice in rebellion against our Maker and Redeemer. It's basically the Church's response to the 'Pink Pound'. I figure £50 is enough to make you think twice and hold fast to the Cross of Christ or have a blow out every now and then and pay the fine. Honestly, if the town council can do this with parking spaces, I see no reason why the Church shouldn't do the same with penitents...After all...it is Brighton and its time we cashed in!

***The price is high for the Freemasons active in the Church because, let's face it, their financial connections are so good and they're bound to be loaded, whether they are ignorant of the secret society's perniciously anti-Catholic agenda or not.