Franciscan Pole Writes 'Karma Sutra' for Catholics

Courtesy of The Guardian

The correct Roman Catholic sexual position is not, as many might imagine, missionary, [the old ones are the best!] infrequent and with the lights out, but "saucy, surprising and fantasy packed".

The bleak traditional view was St Paul's injunction to the Corinthians: "It is better to marry than to burn with passion." However, a Polish priest who has written a surprising bestselling sex manual dubbed the "Catholic Kama Sutra" believes it is better still to marry and burn with passion. [No passion = no babies, surely?]

The first edition of the book by Father Ksawery Knotz, a Franciscan from a monastery outside Krakow, titled Seks (in very large letters) [Well, he could at least have spelt it right!] and "for married couples who love God" in rather smaller type [clever, clever!], has sold out and is being hastily reprinted in Warsaw. [Those flippin' Poles...They're all gagging for it...Still, they say there's nothing else to do in Warsaw anyway...]

"Every act – a type of caress, a sexual position – with the goal of arousal is permitted and pleases God," he writes. "During sexual intercourse, married couples can show their love in every way, can offer one another the most sought-after caresses. They can employ manual and oral stimulation." [We get the picture! Did writing this sex book aid the said Franciscan's spiritual life? Only God knows I guess!]

His book has the blessing of the Polish Catholic church and follows the orthodox line in many ways: he firmly addresses only married couples and discourages the use of any form of contraception, saying it can "lead a married couple outside of Catholic culture and into a completely different lifestyle". [Highly likely...For public proponents of contraception, see Blairs and New Age Religion] But within those confines, couples are urged to let rip.

"Some people, when they hear about the holiness of married sex, immediately imagine that such sex has to be deprived of joy, frivolous play, fantasy and attractive positions. [Alright, already! We're British you know! Have you no sense of decorum?!] They think it has to be sad like a traditional church hymn," he writes. Calling sex a celebration of the marriage sacrament raises its dignity in an exceptional way. [True...This is just one plate of armour in the defense of the Sanctity of Marriage] Such a statement shocks people who learned to look at sexuality in a bad way. It is difficult for them to understand that God is also interested in their happy sex life, and in this way gives them his gift." [Yep, the Lord is up there passing down sexual positions to married couples like words of holiness onto St Anthony's blessed tongue...]

If not shocked, some readers might wonder what a celibate priest knows about the subject. He concedes that a priest writing a book about sex is seen as sensational, but he insists that his experience may be second hand [I'm so puerile, but, still...LOL!], but it is extensive.

"I talk with a lot of married couples and I listen to them, so these problems just kind of sit in my mind," he said. "I would like for them to be happier with their sex life, and for them to understand the church's teachings so there won't be unnecessary tension or a sense of guilt." He has also run a website offering sexual advice to the devout for the past year. [Send in your home made footage to sexmadfranciscanpoles@franciscans.po] Warm fulfilling discussions are ongoing about translations into Slovakian, Italian and English editions. The publishers are in ecstasy.

Can you imagine the Monastery? (Knock, knock) "Father Knotz! Father Knotz! What's he doing in there? Oh, of course, the holy Priest is writing his sex manual again...Father, do you need an illustrator?"