Welcome to the UK, Pope Benedict XVI...

We are so happy you are nearly here! May God protect your journey in the plane from all harm, Your Holiness and protect you from the Blairs when you arrive on UK tarmac! You'll recognise Tony, Your Holiness, not only because you've met him before but because we know that you are able to recognise dissent for what it is and he'll be the only one in Edinburgh at the airport wearing a kilt.

Please, Holy Father, sack the editor of L'Osservatore Romano or at least get him to keep the well-known heretic away from the Vatican's 'semi-official' newspaper. Give him an inch and he'll take the papacy!

Excuse our absurd customs and security checks, Your Holiness. We know you're not a terrorist! You are in our prayers, Holy Father!

The plane has not yet touched down and Cardinal Kasper has been thrown out of it for making a comment saying that arriving in the UK is like arriving in a 'third-World country'! Apparently, BBC report that as soon as the comment was made, Kasper was thrown out of the plane 35,000 feet in the air! Don't mess with the Holy Father, Cardinals. The Holy Father means business and he respects this country's great traditions of multicultural diversity and ethnic meltingpotness and so does the inexplicable, very angered Archbishop Vincent Nichols! Way to go, Holy Father!

We love you, even if Stephen Fry doesn't! Stephen! There's nothing you can do or say now. He's here! I'm putting the kettle on just in case the Holy Father has time to pop over and I've got some McVities chocolate digestives in too!

Politicians have wasted no time, while coverage of His Holiness goes massive, to deliver bad news and give the poor a good kicking...Nick! Now you must know the Coalition truly is a Faustian pact!