In the wake of day 1, marked by the kind of nauseating exhilaration exhibited by born again Christians, born again Scientologists and all born again fruitcakes, I am on the cigarette addict's equivalent of methadone - nicotine patches - It's come down time, so if any of my posts seem excessively angry, vengeful, spiteful or any of the nasty traits that people do not usually associate with this gentle, charitable and humble blog then you know the contributing factor.
I am on a strict diet of hard boiled sweets and DOING ANYTHING NOT TO THINK ABOUT CIGARETTES.
That said, if I should ever appear to look down on you or hate you because you are smoking and I am not, just remember you have it in writing that you can thump me. Yes, even if you're a Priest. I'm not doing this because I want to be 'drug free' or 'clean' or add a day to my life or anything like that, it's her, and I'd happily pipe on a cigarette all my life but I just have to keep telling myself, "There is no love without sacrifice..."
Why don't they put the health risks associated with giving up smoking on the package!? Health risks associated with giving up should really be listed like those health warnings you currently get on packages...
'Giving up Smoking Can Seriously Damage Your Ability to Sleep and May Cause Insomnia (It is 5am), Manic Alertness, a Chesty Cough and Feeling Like S**t All the Time. In Fact, After 3 days of Giving Up Smoking You Won't Give a Flying One About your Lungs, Your Heart, or Your F***ing Sperm Count! Your Intake of Sweets, Lumps of Cheese and Anything You Can Lay Your Hands On Will Treble. You will be a Thorough Displeasure to Know and You May Overcompensate Your Loss by Masking Your Need with Irritating Levels of Knowing Smugness While Thinking of Smokers, "Ah, yes, I was once weak like you are", Leading to the Kind of Unholy Presumption that Leads God to Call You to Account at an Hour You Did Not Expect, Only to be Found Dead in Your Kitchen with Your Hand in Your Bin Looking for Dogends'
George and Diane are probably coming over tomorrow with a bottle of Lambrini and a packet of 20 Sterling Silver Superkings. Let's see how long I last...
6 comments:
Good luck! 2 of my girls smoke! Twits!
The patches make you feel ill, get the gum - seriously, it works. Start on the 4mg (will give you hiccups for a while) then move over to the 2mg. You'll end up on that for about two years, spend as much as you would on fags but, crucially, you'll come to love it as much as the fags and your betrothed can't really nag you for it! The chewing action replaces the hand gestures of smoking and gives you a degree of control over how much you ingest (rather than the dull throb of the patches which just make you feel like you're having a heart attack)
Hi Lawrence,
seeing as your posts are usually pretty acidic, I'm sure we'll find it difficult to notice the difference!
You have a girlfriend, oh my God! I am reminded of the recent 'coming out' of Tory MP Crispin Blunt which devaste his wife and 2 kids. Had he just been true to himslf from the start then he could have avoided this heartache to his 'fabricated family'. Take note!
Note taken long before the revelations of Tory MPs.
Good luck! In 10 days I will have off the tabs for a year. If the patches don't work see if you can get tablets called Champix from your local NHS.
If this doesn't work, Lawrence, take up a pipe (seriously).
You don't inhale half as much, and if you again decide to give up, it will be very much easier - I speak from experience.
After about 20 years of ciggies I converted to a pipe; I eventually decided to give up 2 years ago and it hasn't been a problem. I find I can still have a decent Havana at Christmas and on my birthday without any desire to resume full time.
Best of luck!
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