Cardinal Vincent Nichols Orders Anti-Gay Security Guards to be Removed from Entrance to all Churches

The end of an era: Many Church bouncers will be made redundant
London's Catholic Churches are already undergoing a revolutionary change in the life of the Church in the era of Pope Francis. The long awaited message of mercy has filtered from Rome down to the pews.

Anti-gay security guards - a hitherto common sight outside Catholic Churches in London have today been told that their services will no longer be needed, as the Church in England and Wales takes on the new message of 'welcoming' and accepting people with same-sex attraction.

For the past two thousand years, anti-gay security guards have been employed by the Church in order to filter out from congregations anyone who may have homosexual tendencies or inclinations. In a revolutionary move, today Cardinal Vincent Nichols and Archbishop Peter Smith made it known that henceforth, the security guards will be placed inside the Churches in order to defend homosexuals from the lethal and unpredictable stoning and/or beating that has often taken place against homosexuals during Mass and times of quiet prayer and reflection.

One homosexual man, speaking outside of London's Oratory said, "I am so pleased that these anti-gay security guards will from now on no longer be placed outside the Oratory. It was so degrading during the time of St John Paul II and Benedict XVI, when these guards would ask me things like, 'Are you queer? You look like a queer to me! On your bike, you dirty faggot and don't bring your nancy boy ways around here! If I catch you around here again, you can expect a black eye! Now, sling your hook gay boy!' It is such a relief in the time of Pope Francis to be able to walk freely into a Church."

From now on, security guards will monitor anti-gay activity
"Now", he continued, "in the time of Pope Francis, in an era of mercy, the unthinkable has happened. I can walk into any Catholic Church I like, go to Confession, receive Holy Communion in a State of Grace, pray like any other Catholic, adore the Blessed Sacrament, take part in processions and in general live a normal Catholic life. This was impossible in the bad old days of Benedict XVI. I was never welcomed!"

"Thank you, Pope Francis, for finally making the Church a welcoming place for me after all those years of beatings and bullying. I'm glad I stuck with the Catholic Faith. It just goes to show how much attitudes have changed in this new pontificate. Thank you, Cardinal Vincent Nichols. and Archbishop Peter Smith. I now know I can walk into the Brompton Oratory without harassment, intimidation, bullying and violence taking place against my person. Praise and thanks be to God!"

Comments

Savonarola said…
A pretty laboured attempt at humour, Bones. Seriously though, the Synod just ended will have given gays and divorced/remarried the strong message that they are not welcome in the Catholic Church - not what was intended, of course, but that is how it will be seen. Is this what the Church should be suggesting to people? So far as the divorced/remarried are concerned, I expect most of them will continue to ignore the official line and go on receiving communion as some I know do already. This gap between what people do and what the leaders of the Church say they should do is widening. That is surely not a good thing, but the Synod's outcome has signally failed to address the issue. Problems not addressed, but ignored, can only get worse.
Damask Rose said…
"This gap between what people do and what the leaders of the Church say they should do is widening."

Well, what can you do if these people constantly and repeatedly refuse the call* to repent?

"This gap between what people do and what the leaders of the Church say they should do is widening."

These people seem to want to die in their own perdition?

*Even if that call has been at best limp, half-hearted and practically (or purposefully) inaudible.

To a greater degree you can blame the Church for this and these people's damnation.
Liam Ronan said…
Brilliant Bones. Funny piece.
pattif said…
It seems to me that, if Cardinal Nichols is aware of parishes in his diocese where homosexual parishioners and visitors are not welcomed, respected and valued in exactly the same way as every other parishioner or visitor, he ought to tackle those situations head on, instead of simply complaining that the Relatio "doesn't go far enough".
Brighton Boy said…
Savonrola,
You are right, it wasn't an issue before the Synod, we gay men, were just people in Church, now I feel as if there is something which marks me out.
The Synod highlighted me.
Marie said…
Repentance, confession, and going to Communion in the state of Grace? That's a pretty standard welcome to all sorts of sinners.

But as you and I know, homosexuals are special. Shouldn't they be given a more celebratory welcome, since they have been banned all these years from entering a Church?

How's about a really passionate liturgical dance - like Tango, complete with confetti, incense, book, bells, and candles in the sanctuary?
Allan Wafkowski said…
Very funny, and much to the point of the fantasy of there being an anti-homosexual church. All have always been welcome into the Catholic Church. All have been called to repentance and perfection. Some have have rejected the call of Christ to repentance and have set out to manufacture their own church. They, by their own actions, reject the Catholic Church--but the church has never rejected them. The Catholic Church, the church of Jesus Christ, is waiting for their return.
Lynda said…
By calling yourself "a gay man", you are choosing to identify yourself with a disordered inclination to unnatural intrinsic evil. None of us was made with a disordered inclination to commit such sin. We are all as human beings, heterosexual by our God-given nature. Homosexual desires are developed - and can be encouraged or overcome. The homosexual agenda to destroy objective natural morality depends on the lie that a person cannot choose to acknowledge and follow the objective truth about himself, cannot oppose and overcome disordered desires. Such desires are the result of objective evil. When the desires are entertained and given validity, etc., subjective evil comes into play.
Hope said…
Don't blame Pope Benedict XVI for your country's rules endorsing Guards outside the Church doors. He had nothing to do with it.

In the USA we do not have guards outside our doors at Church. Never have.
Gregory said…
This is a truly marvellous thread! There's just no telling how it's gonna pan out. I just know I'll be revisiting it a lot. Dem Dry Bones indeed!
TLM said…
According to a good number of us Brighton Boy, homosexual people are still just part of the parish. Sinners just like the rest of us trying to finally make it to salvation. I am highly offended by this sham of a Synod and how the heretics tried their darndest to railroad Catholicism. Jesus cannot be pleased, and to think this will be the topic of discussion among Catholics for the next year?! For 2000 years we have not been 'merciful' to sinners? We have to find better ways to 'Pastor' people in sinful relationships? I do believe we need absolutely to 'accompany' people, but we still need to 'accompany' them with the truth of Christ. This is true MERCY. This entire Synod was shameful.
Physiocrat said…
The guys in the top picture look like they are off cover of a magazine for gays.
Sólo quería agregar que soy padre de familia y veo todo esto como un desvío del plan de Dios. Este Sínodo debía elevar a las familias felizmente casadas en el Sacramento donde habita Jesús como sello imborrable de Dios para la humanidad. Lástima que nos enredemos en todo esto, que no es nada más y nada menos que el diablo que ha metido su cola destructiva y haciendo que el hombre sienta lo mismo que le propuso en el paraíso a Eva y también a su compañero de vida Adán. Ser como dioses y vivir la vida como quieran. Sin dudas estamos en el camino final de una humanidad enferma en una cultura que traga jóvenes en la droga y en el sexo sin Amor y lo más serio en el egoísmo de satisfacer nuestras necesidades sin importar a quien destruimos. Nos comportamos como bestias y nos arrastramos como gusanos o como títeres de señores que con su poder nos llevan a esta cultura, incluidos algunos Obispos, Cardenales, Sacerdotes y Religiosas que no aman a Jesús. Ya vendrá la corrección de Dios a todo este atropello que se fue instaurando en todas las sociedades del mundo como un cáncer. Estamos matando la misericordia y el Amor de Dios pues vamos contrarios a las enseñanzas de Cristo que dio su sangre por nosotros y a quién le debemos nuestra vida. Lástima que no está el Padre Pío para confesar a aquellos verdaderamente arrepentidos de corazón. El homosexual necesita una salida y esa salida es volver a Dios arrepentido sino ya está condenado, leed levítico en el antiguo testamento. En definitiva será nuestra consciencia la que nos juzgue por haber dejado de hacer el bien y por el mal que hemos hecho en nuestras vidas delante de Dios. Que lástima este mundo está ya viejo y corrompido y que la corrupción haya entrado en la Iglesia es lo más preocupante. RECORDEMOS QUE: "eL MAL NO PREVALECERÁ EN MI IGLESIA" Ahora si están por proponer otra Iglesia que nos es la fundada por Jesús en Pedro y sus sucesores más vale que vayan renunciando uno a uno los Cardenales y Obispos y esto puede incluir hasta el mismo Papa que ya no es infalible, al no cumplir lo que Jesús legó como plan de salvación para la humanidad. Hay muchos Sacerdotes que trabajan para El Señor, seguramente serán los perseguidos al igual que sus seguidores. Dios salve al Mundo y corrija nuestros errores Amén.