How to Welcome 'the Gays'

Fr Dwight Longnecker is asking how it is that priests are meant to 'welcome' gays. Other priests may also be wondering how this should be done sensitively, pastorally and without making any 'gays' in the congregation feel like they are in some way different to everybody else.

"Dear brothers and sisters, welcome to St. __________ Church for this the __ nd/st/rd Sunday of Ordinary Time/week of Advent/Lent. Before we examine our consciences and ask the Lord for His mercy, I would like to welcome everyone to St. _________'s Church and particularly any gays who may be in the congregation."

This sensitive and helpful template guide will help priests in any possible welcoming situation. The word, 'gays' can also be replaced or exchanged with 'lesbians', 'transgenders', 'transvestites', 'bi-sexuals', 'unsures', 'asexuals' or 'questioning' as well as a multitude of other fabricated sexualities now dominating the queer studies lecturing circuit.

Of course, it can also be applied to any people in the congregation of various abilities such as blind, hard of hearing, disabled, those with mental health issues, those of different ethnic minorities and many more.

The advice is to try and keep the welcome snappy, Fathers, so do not fall into the trap of trying to welcome everyone by any characteristic, sexual predilection, ability, or ethnic minorities, otherwise the 'welcome' will go on too long and it will have been a good fifteen minutes before you get onto the Kyrie and, if appropriate for the season, the Gloria. This is due to the need for sensitivity to ensure that no 'party' of people feels more respected than another, which gives rise to the possibility of over-zealous repetition of the 'types' mentioned in your special 'welcome'.

The following example, therefore, is to be avoided, if possible..

"Dear brothers and sisters, welcome to St. Perpetua's Church for this the 23rd Sunday of Ordinary Time. Before we examine our consciences and ask the Lord for His mercy, I would of course like to welcome everyone to St. Perpetua's Church but particularly any gays, lesbians, blacks, transgendered, transvestites, bisexuals, unsure, questioning, disabled, wheelchair users, hard of hearing, blind, Filipino, Irish, Spanish, Portugese, Latin American, asexuals, sufferers with mental health issues (add other 'types' here)  who may be in the congregation. If I have missed anyone out I do apologise, but in particular, welcome to any gays out there. Therefore, I hope you feel welcome. And lesbians too...and...(insert 'types' you re-welcome here)..."

There is a special version of this helpful template for Cardinal Kasper, in which case an exception can be added at the end:

"...Therefore, I hope you all feel welcome, apart from any Africans. We don't listen to you and you can't tell us what to do. Your views are not wanted and your participation is not welcome here. By the way if anyone asks you whether I just said that, I didn't. In the unlikely event I have been recorded, if you have recorded me saying that, I have powerful friends in journalism, so don't take me on. I can destroy you, hear me? Yes! Destroy you!"

This, naturally, should be inserted at the end of the welcome only if Cardinal Kasper is celebrating Mass and should be delivered pastorally and as sensitively as possible by the said prelate. In no other circumstances should be be adopted. Copies of this welcoming template are available from CTS for just £3.99.

Comments

where's your inclusivity Loz?!!
LGBT plus
Queer - those who don't want to be judged by sexual activity but want to be fabulously 'unique'
Questioning - undecided
Intersex - this 'third sex' don't judge me by my genitalia thing
Asexual - nothing doing
Allies - those who think the only reason for not burning homophobes is the ozone layer
Pansexual - anything goes
& in the US/Canada
2S - twin spirited - two spirited or two-souled - that's a red indian - oops american indian - oops - native american - oops 'first people' term for being a feminised man who is more healer and nurturer and may/may not engage in the same-sex horizontee...

...better to learn these now before they're part of Synod15's relatio - but there's bound to be a few more categories by then to categorise those who demand not to be categorised...oh it's all so confusing...I sometimes wish we procreated by touching elbows or something...
gemoftheocean said…
Perfect example of why the military uses "you people."
Anonymous said…
Brilliant post!
kathleen said…
Another thing parishes could do is stop offering constant congratulations to all those good catholics who are ecstatically married 24-7, all of whose children are above average, and for whom living life without sin is a total cakewalk.
Anonymous said…
exhausted from laughing so hard...
Left-footer said…
Bones and OTSOTA - brilliant!
Bruvver Eccles said…
OTSOTA: please don't explicitly mention disgusting sexual practices such as t**ching el**s. Thanks.

Or am I confusing elbows with something else?
Jacobi said…
In my part we have to be so careful of how we interact with Weigies,particularly at coffee after Mass - if you have a clean shirt on!


ps I'd better not say where I come from!
Annie said…
No mention of heterosexuals. Hmm . . .
justfeddup said…
FANTASTIC!!!!
Lynda said…
What a litany of diabolical disorientation!
Lynda said…
Gloria TV have put up a video interview with Fr John O'Connor of 25 years ago which shows how the homo-heresy has gotten to the extreme position exemplified by the recent Synod.
TLM said…
Me too Annonymous, EXHAUSTED from laughing SO DARNED HARD!!! This was really TOO FUNNY!!!!
Clare said…
Things were so much simpler when the priest just said, "Introibo ad altare Dei" and got on with it!
No, no! "Brothers and sisters" simply won't do! That is so insensitive to those who consider themselves neither "brothers" nor "sisters"! Consider what one of the US public schools is doing - referring to all as "purple penguins"! Isn't that much better now?
Janet said…
Dog it, you can always make me laugh.
cephas said…
I hate it when they ignore the cis.
Lynda said…
This is how to "welcome 'the gays'": see article by Eric Hess in Celebrate Life Magazine about how he repented of his sin of Sodom and turned back to God and His Church (by the grace of God, and including with the prayers of Cardinal Burke).
BELL PHILLIS said…
The first gay marriage ceremonies took place in England as a law permitting same-sex marriages came into effect on 29th March. Same sex couples rushed to tie the knot across the country, vying to be among the first ones to exchange their vows at the stroke of midnight. The Parliament of UK passed the legislation sanctioning the legality of gay marriages in England and Wales in July 2013. With the law coming into effect now, individuals who have wedded a same sex partner overseas would also be recognized as married in England and Wales. There has been overwhelming popular support for gay marriage in the UK, with multiple surveys showing that over two-thirds of Britons approve of it.

lesbian couples