Parasites!

I have been at work today at the office of St Mary Magdalen's, where I diligently do the accounts and every now and then, take 5 minutes break to do some blogging. Then I take that 5 minutes break every 5 minutes and become embroiled in some heated row on a Guardian 'Comment is Free (unless you say something we really don't like and moderate you)' website.

Anyway, Sara Paletsky, Guardian columnist has been pushing the usual Guardian, 'abortion is for winners, all you anti-abortion people are losers' line in the wake of the Tiller murder. No surprises there. But having made more than my fair share of comments and getting into the usual scrapes with heretical abortion enthusiasts I was stunned by one phrase in particular used in relation to the unborn child.

A commenter called 'misanthropetty' made this comment, in response to one of mine.

'Would you feed a foetus? Clean up its poo? Would I feel the urge to throttle it when it sits behind me on the bus singing 'forty ni-ine, do do do do' as a small child did yesterday (for seventeen minutes. I counted)? No, I would not. Because while it is in the womb, it is nothing more than a parasite; and furthermore, unable to sing.'

The unborn child is a 'parasite'. Uh-huh. Okay, I've never heard anyone use that term in relation to the unborn child, before, but there we go.

Then, to my horror another commenter came in and supported the previous one. Saying,

'Parasite: 1 an organism which lives in or on another organism and benefits at the others expense. 2 derogatory a person who lives off or exploits others.'

To me that first definition sounds quite a lot like an unwanted pregnancy. I am struggling to think of ways in which a woman benefits from an unwanted pregnancy but there are a lot of ways in which she can suffer.

So, I paused to reflect on the utter selfishness of the unborn child. What does it do all day? Nothing! It just sits there feeding off its mother. Quite why it can't just cut the cord itself and walk out into the bright fresh air at 4 weeks is a mystery. Selfish little blighters! Really, these unborn babies should do the decent thing and get a job...A message to all unborn babies ..."Stop living off your own mothers! Get a job!"

Then, these unborn babies are born. What do they do then? Do they get a job? No! They leap onto their mother's breasts and take all the milk. "That milk was meant for me, you little toerag!" mothers across the globe say, and quite rightly so! These babies are milk thieves, plain and simple, living off their mothers. They never think of anything but milk all day and as soon as you take your eye off the ball, where are they? That's right! They're all over your chest looking for a teet! I don't know. "Parasite! Get off my tits!" say decent mothers.

Then, when they're a little older they expect you to help them to walk, and they want you to teach them how to talk and everything. All they do is take! What do they give? Nothing! Even at the age of 7 they are still living off their mums and dads, eating all their fish fingers, drinking their fruit juice, watching their TV, using the hot water, nicking digestives from the biscuit tin. None of this is free, is it? Do they think to pay any bills?! No! Selfish little blighters, they are, through and through!

Still at the age of 8 and 9 they seem to think of nothing but themselves. 'I want this, I want that, I want toys, I want trainers, I want stuff.' Good parents tell them, "You are 9 now. It is about time you stopped this nonsense and fended for yourself. We have decided you should live somewhere else, because all you do is take, take, take. You're an absolute drain financially and really you need to go elsewhere and grow up!" They come back from school and the school have sent a letter about a field trip to a zoo. The parents obviously look at the child and say, "Zoo!? You want to go to the zoo? Well, I suppose this time I will pay, but I don't know why you are still showing me these letters! If you want to go to the zoo in future, I suggest you get a job. Why not get a job at a zoo? At least then you'd be out of my hair. I'm sick of paying for your love of animals! Parasite!"

Then, even when they are teenagers they still hang around the house. They're depressed. "Listen, mate," mother's say, "You're staying here for free! What have you got to be depressed about anyway?! Hormones, you say?! Hormones?! When I was having you I had hormones like you'll never know! I'll give you hormones, you little parasite! All you do is sit in your room looking at the NME, moping, masturbating and listening to Joy Division! Get a job! Get a mortgage! Parasite!"

Then, at the age of 18 these teenagers expect Mum and Dad to help drive them to university and give them financial aid during uni to do what exactly? Get smashed every night at the campus bar and go out partying all the time! Then they cram all their revision into the last week and come out with a 2:1 in sociology. Parents say, "What are you going to do with a sociology degree anyway!? You should have studied law! At least then we'd have you off our backs! Parasite! Now you're going to spend the next 10 years floating around a seaside town doing temping jobs for local authorities! You're still going to feed off us to bail you out every time you go too deep into your overdraft. Parasite!"

Then later on, these parasitic adults want to get married. They go up to their parents and they say, "Mum, Dad, my girlfriend and I are getting married." The parents obviously reply, "Married? You want to get married and have children? Children!? Are you mad!? They're all parasites! Believe us, we know, since we had you! All you've done is feed off us since the day you were born. What have you given us? Aside from the joy of parenthood and the bittersweet joy of learning about the nature of unconditional love? Nothing! Still, I guess, now you are 31 you are okay and totally independent. Thank God we don't have to pay for the wedding', the parents say. "That would be the ultimate in parasitic behaviour, you little sponger," they say.

Then, the girlfriend is talking to her father about how she's met the love of her life, and she wants to settle down with him. The suitor asks the father for his daughter's hand in marriage. He turns to the daughter and says, "I suppose I have to foot the bill for the wedding, don't I? Listen darling, this is the last time I'm paying for you and your outrageously parasitic lifestyle upon your mother and I. I only thank God that you've found someone else you can live off. Oh, but we do so love you, you know. We've grown fond of you and your selfish, parasitic ways."

By the way, I'm a bit skint at the moment. I walked through the door and there was a gift voucher for Tesco's for twenty quid from my Mum. Cheers, Mum! Seriously though. I do need to get a job.

Here is undercover footage of someone who asks Planned Parenthood about abortion.