Special Investigation Report: How the Bishops Moved the Feast of the Ascension

Undercover:  Shot of the Feast of the Ascension being moved to Sunday
While controversy over the 'moveable feasts' continues, a special investigation into the moves by the Bishops of England and Wales has revealed some details about just how these feasts were moved.

Bishop's Moves, the removal firm used by the Bishops Conference, were employed to move the Feast of the Ascension, once again, from the Thursday - the day as traditionally understood as being 40 days after Easter Sunday - parking it on Sunday instead.

It can also be exclusively revealed that the Bishop's Moves company were employed in the 1970s in the vast programme of creating 'moveable Altars', including the taking away of traditional signs, motifs and symbols of parish Churches, such as statues of Saints, in the urgent drive of reformers to introduce modern Altars and other Church features essential to the 'renovation' of the liturgy.

With 'moveable Altars' and 'moveable Feasts' already being part of the lucrative deal between Bishop's Moves and the Bishop Conference of England and Wales, some within the company suggest that 'moveable Doctrine' could be part of the plan for the future in England and Wales.

One driver employee, who did not want to be named, admitted that the Bishop's Moves firm is expecting the removal of some Catholic doctrine unpopular with the 'modern-thinking Catholic man and woman' such as the Church's position on artificial contraception, same-sex unions and marriage, abortion, IVF, clerical celibacy and the exclusively male-nature of the clergy. "Basically," he said, "anything that could bring the Church in England and Wales into any form of confrontation with the Government, as well as anything that could offend modern sensibilities is already being boxed up and wrapped in bubble wrap." Asked where the Catholic doctrine was being moved to, the driver responded, "There's a disused coal mine in the North of England. That's all I'm prepared to say."

Neither an official spokesperson from the Bishops Move company, nor the Bishops Conference, were available for comment.

Comments

pelerin said…
Brilliant Laurence! one of your best. We have to laugh otherwise we would weep.

Forty years ago we used that same firm to move to our new home. We thought their choice of name was clever. I think it is still operating and the next time I see one of their vans I shall be wondering if it is en route for 'that disused coal mine in the North of England.'












umblepie said…

Thanks for this, made my day!
Genty said…
Just caught up. Nice one.
On a chess board the bishop moves diagonally and only on the colour it starts on. Sounds familiar.