Big Bother

The UK Government want to monitor our Facebook, Myspace and Bebo profiles to protect us from terrorism.

I always suspected Facebook was a cloaked surveillance operation by the Government to keep tabs on UK citizens. I mean, why bother with round the clock undercover operations when people are telling everyone what they're doing and where they're going anyway under the banner of 'social networking'.

So, in light of this news, it is clear that the Government are fully intent on curbing civil liberties until there is nothing left to curb, under the pretext that it is all for our 'protection' from nasty terrorists. New policies to look out for might include...

Domestic bodyguards: Your very own housemate, employed by the Government, wearing bulletproof vest, with a full range of police accessories such as tazers, teargas and truncheons. You don't have a choice whether he lives with you, but that's okay because he is there to protect you from the nasty terrorists.

Shopper check-in: You need a packet of fags and a pint of milk. You go to the local shop but wait, you need to have your iris scanned and your fingerprint taken in order to purchase them, the information of your visit to the local shop going direct to Whitehall, who are happy to hear you have bought milk and fags without getting blown up by terrorists.

Street Terror Enforcers: A new sub-division of the Community Police Support Officers, will be employed to go around telling people to be hyper-aware of the terror threat, to be very worried and not to enjoy a second of their lives in case they get blown up. They can also fine you on the spot if you drop your cigarette on the pavement.

Terror Level Traffic Lights: Traffic lights take on a whole new meaning. Red no longer means stop, it means, the terror threat is very high, amber means the threat is medium but to be very alert and green means everything is okay at the moment.

Microchipped Arses: Totally and utterly self-explanatory.

Any more ideas? Post them here or send your security measures to the Prime Minister who doubtless will listen to your great ideas to protect us from terror.