Monday, 18 August 2014

Police Take More Abuse Calls from Members of the Public

Domestic violence against electrical items doubles when the 
celebrity is on television.
Police have issued a statement maintaining that they have taken several more calls concerning abuse from a perma-tanned, high-profile celebrity pop singer in his 70s.

Metropolitan police are keeping the name of the singer under wraps while investigations are carried out in order to protect those who have been exposed to serial abuse. A spokesman for the police has said, "We have received numerous calls from members of the public complaining of serious abuse from a high profile pop singer."

The spokesperson continued, "We are very concerned. Members of the public, having seen the singer on stage, especially at Christmas time, have complained of having been left feeling 'violated' and 'confused' when the man appears on stage. Both his appearance and his voice have rendered several members of the public feeling 'incredibly irritated', others 'so beside myself with annoyance that I smashed my TV in. Usually I would just change channels but there's something about him that's so irritating, I cannot put my finger on it.'

"Aural and televisual abuse is something that we take very seriously, especially when it comes from high profile, inexplicably successful pop stars. After the summer holiday, we hope to have gathered enough information from members of the general public to press charges against the individual. We are very concerned that we afford protection to all members of the public from this kind of abuse, especially the young ones. Records have been seized from several charity shops around the country as we gather evidence that the man's music may have done significant harm to persons. We think he may have committed several crimes against music - and - by extension, humanity itself."

"While we have received around a hundred calls so far from members of the public, we are concerned that this case of serial abuse could have touched the lives of hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people in the United Kingdom. We would like to offer our congratulations to our officers, and to the BBC, who are dealing with this investigation with utter discretion and sensitivity both to the individual concerned and those vulnerable members of the public who remain at risk. By October we hope to have done significant damage to career and his reputation because, whether innocent or guilty, no smoke without fire and all that, so we know that if it comes to it, he'll have a fair trial with unbiased media coverage. That might seem wrong, but we're banking on the hope that the vast majority of people just can't stand him, his music and his general demeanour. Let's face it, anyone who hangs around with Tony Blair has to be dodgy. Oops, I wasn't meant to breach any confidentiality rules, but, oh well, nevermind."

The spokesman denied that the investigation constituted a witch hunt since beliefs in such a phenomenom as a devil woman were outmoded. The confidential investigation continues...

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