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In an 11th hour bid to rescue the institution of marriage from destruction, Archbishop Vincent Nichols of Westminster, this week labelled as 'criminally insane' by liberal moderate Nick Clegg, is in dialogue with the Russian Orthodox Church in Moscow and is said to have asked for 'reinforcements' in the battle for marriage.
Patriarch Kirill of Moscow said of the move, "The Archbishop and I had a mutually respectful dialogue over strategies that could be put in place to restore good sense in the marriage debate in England. One idea that has been floated is that of using the influence the Orthodox Church has with Vladimir Putin to apply diplomatic and international pressure on London."
The option remains - and is yet to be ruled out - for Russia to turn her nuclear warheads on Westminster in a last ditch attempt to save the institution treasured by Churches in East and West alike. Both men feel that in order to save marriage - therefore civilization - the risk of ending civilization as we know it may be a price worth paying.
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Catherine Pepinster of The Tablet said, "It is obvious here that Rome is pulling the strings. Here, at The Tablet, obedience to Rome has not been an issue since the late 1950s - throughout the Cold War to the present day. The idea of obedience to Rome is considered an interesting idea redolent of a bygone era in Catholic history. Thankfully, that era has gone by."
"Fiscal Cliff" Longley, The Tablet's chief world affairs and economics correspondent said, "I cannot believe the Archbishop, having launched a war on the gay community and our friends at the Soho Masses, is willing to entertain the idea of World War III just to get a red hat, but it seems that on this one issue, the liberal and mentalist wings of the Catholic Church find agreement. The Archbishop will do anything - even risk a nuclear winter - to advance his career."
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It is thought that under the joint East-West Church strategy to rescue marriage from the brink of extinction, 'Operation Gay Fox' would aim a nuclear warhead at the House of Commons. Military experts in Russia suggest that weapons technology has advanced so much that a 100-tonne atom bomb dropped on Parliament could achieve the desired end with very little collateral damage.
Just in case the Big Gay Cold War goes hot and the 'Roman Missal Crisis' brings about Armageddon, plans are being drawn up by Archbishop's House to 'hunker down' while all Hell breaks lose in a nuclear bunker in Scotland, where the See of Westminster would temporarily be located.
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In the event that the Archbishop is unable to relocate in Scotland, it is thought that His Grace the Archbishop of Westminster will have built a bunker two miles below the crypt at Westminster Cathedral where he could remain until the battle for civilization is over, the fallout has cleared and life settles down up above as usual, in order to collect his red hat next year from Rome.
One Catholic commentator for The Telegraph, Damian Thompson said, "The Westminster Bunker option sounds more likely from what I've heard from my sources in Westminster and Rome, because, with or without World War III, this was, I believe, the plan all along."
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said, "Mr Cameron is pressing ahead with 'marriage equality' and will not be swayed by arguments against it or the voices of opponents of the measure to extend marriage rights to anyone in a loving and committed relationship with anyone, or, indeed, anything or things."