Inspired by the epic bio-pic of Professor Stephen Hawking, a University of Cambridge based ecclesiastical physicist has come up with a potentially "mind-blowing" equation answering what he has described 'theorem omnia' in the Catholic Church, the much sought after ecclesiastical 'theory of everything', which continues to be the great obsession of the Catholic academic world.
At a ground-breaking lecture in Rome, attended by no less than forty eager scientific disciples, the young Cambridge doctor of ecclesiastical physics, Dr Rabbitz Inyaparish expounded his idea, which he says came to him, "like dew from Heaven". Before receiving a standing ovation and rapturous applause, Dr Rabbitz announced his theory to a stunned audience of priests, religious and laity.
"Where PF is Pope Francis is divided by TB where TB is Team Bergoglio to the power of 5, but is subtracted by Pope Benedict (Emeritus) XVI and you add an airplane plus journalists to the power of ten at an altitude of 35,000 feet, added to the mainstream media, yet multiplied by Twitter, Facebook and blogs, minus Fr Frederico Lombardi, the result is total anarchy and a Catholic Church divided."
Already, offers of book contracts have come flooding in for Rabbitz Inyaparish, but he is said to be 'alarmed' at his sudden fame. Having 'cracked the code', Dr Rabbitz took some time to talk to journalists and when asked how he came up with the equation, he replied, "I was really quite depressed and considered it a little amusing at first. I wrote it on the back of a beer mat. It was only later on that day when I realised I had worked out the greatest ecclesiastical mystery haunting the minds of Church physicists in the modern age. I also believe that the equation could need adjustment over time as with closer observation of the ecclesiastical microclimate, we may yet be able to discern whether the element of freemasonry is involved, but for the time being, I am content with my equation as it is. Regardless, be assured of that what I propose here is no theory, but a rule or even a law that is at work in the Catholic universe. For that reason, my discovery merits the description, 'ground-breaking'."