The Catholic's Guide to Gay Pride

Today is Gay Pride Day in Brighton, a day when homosexuality, lesbianism, transvesticism, transexuality and bisexuality, but mostly homosexuality, are celebrated openly in broad daylight in front of the public, including small children. Scandalous! Every good Catholic knows that this kind of thing is meant to be kept behind closed doors, if it is to be kept anywhere. Preferably, the doors are closed tight on a closet in the attic which has been sealed under lock, key and reams of gaffa tape. Of course, we've got Oscar Wilde and his Bosie who died having embraced the Holy Faith and we honour them, because even if they had a steamy love affair, they wouldn't have been seen dead at a Gay Pride march and thanks be to God for that! They had class and a sense of decency!

O Christian soul! You have been called from Darkness into the Light of Christ. Armed with the weapons of Faith, Hope and Charity you must fight the good fight and do battle with the roaring lions of London Road, in order to defend Holy Mother Church and win souls to Christ, knowing He loves every man, woman and child He has made. So then, take the Gospel not just to the pagans, but lo, to the gays as well! Here then is your Catholic guide to Gay Pride Day...

1. Arise early in the morning, make the Sign of the Cross and say your prayers. You could be ripped limb from limb by the gays this very day, or worse, be embroiled in a dance routine to Kylie with a sexually licentious throng of overly sexed men, the wild animals that they are, so these prayers may be among your last. Pray to St Stephen, Proto-Martyr of the Church for the Grace to forgive your persecutors should they lose their temper with you or try and convert you to their sordid lifestyle.

2. Take a blessed Crucifix and holy water for your travels. Leave your hot pants, your Frankie Goes to Hollywood 'Relax' t-shirt and your feather boa at home because for today at least, you won't be needing any of them. Even if, Heaven forbid, deep down, you yourself are strongly attracted to members of the same sex, this marching nonsense must stop and pronto! The only processions men and women should be involved with in this town are processions of the Blessed Sacrament on the Solemnity of Corpus Christi and that is a scientific fact. Ask Richard Dawkins and even he will agree.

3. Approach the hoards on London Road as they march upon their descent into the heart of Brighton, hold aloft your Crucifix and cry out, in a loud voice. "Behold, gays, bis, lezzas and trannies of Brighton! I come to bring you the Good News of the Gospel! Why are you so hard of heart!? God loves you and Our Blessed Lord died for you so that you may place your trust not in the baser aspects of our fragile, fallen human nature, but in He who is Truth and Love Itself! Yes! We all struggle in one way or another with mastering our passions and our sexuality, but the Lord has sent me to tell you not to place your trust in vain and empty things, but in Him. Look! Here in my hand I have the Confessions of St Augustine, let me read you some...Look! In a Milanese Garden! I called out and You shattered my blindness!" Unfortunately, none of them can hear you because the first float is playing 'I Will Survive' by Gloria Gaynor at ten decibels, so your words are not heard. Few people have even noticed you standing there because they're all chatting to each other, cavorting shamelessly and having a good time. Hell-bent heretics!

4. Your initial evangelisation has failed. It was too general. You need to gain the attention of one or two people personally in order to preach the Gospel. So, during the march you sidle up to a couple of men blowing whistles and tell them about the riches of Christ and His Holy Gospel. Explain to them gently how you disagree with this kind of thing but God has sent you to preach to them the Good News of Salvation and that God is rich in mercy and in love, how Christ died for our sins but that He was raised and now longs us to be with Him in Glory. They have never heard the Gospel being preached so eloquently and with such tenderness and immediately are won over to the Church. "Thank you for telling us all about Our Lord," they say, "We just thought the Church hated us because we're queer, but now we can see the Love of God. We'll see you at Mass on Sunday and let us know when the RCIA course starts, sweetie!"

5. You have won converts to the Holy Faith through your sublime humility and trust that the Holy Spirit will give you the words to say, which He did. But, did Our Lord just quit after a few converts?! Did St Francis?! No! So get stuck in and win more souls to Christ! You and your converts to the Holy Faith hijack a float by stealth and switch off Abba's'Winner Takes It All' and take the mic. "Oi, you reprobates...I mean...Brothers and Sisters! I'm glad to now have your attention! See these brothers here now wish to join the Holy Faith of Christ and become members of His One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church. They know that God loves them and wants them in Heaven with them and nothing but a short period of instruction, Baptism and a hearty Confession stands in their way of their path to Eternal Glory! Who knows!? If we pray for it we might be martyred or live lives of heroic virtue and miss out on Purgatory altogether! They now know that the love they seek lies not in the vanity of sin but in the Sacred Heart of Jesus, the Lord who is made present on the Altar at the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Isn't this true, converted couple?!" The converted couple reply, "Err...yeah." A portion of a crowd has been won over. The rest are on ecstacy and love you whatever you say. Things are going well.

6. The march takes a route through the centre of Brighton, irritatingly stopping all daily, routine functioning of the town. Inspired by the Holy Spirit you disembark from the gigantic pink flamingo float and rearrange several diversion signs in order to direct the path of the march to your local parish Church. Liaise with your parish priest to organise a Traditional Latin Mass so that the poor lambs can pop in at will and be witness to the sublime beauty of the Latin Mass. At least half of the marchers will be converted by the Majesty of the Tridentine Rite and will be literally gasping for the forgiveness of Christ. Those who aren't touched by the Mass will be converted by the splendour of the Sacred Vestments and the lacy alb worn by the parish priest, because, if there's one thing gays can appreciate and love, its aesthetics, fashion and impeccably embroidered clothing. You have won now nearly 5,000 gay brothers and sisters over to the One True Faith, even the ones who already attend Mass regularly at your local parish Church on Sunday.

7. The march has been going on all day now but you still don't want to relent on preaching the Gospel. You realise that it is 7 'o' clock and the soup run is being held on the seafront. You know that gays are compassionate because that's what everybody says about the two men who live next door. So, divert the crowd once more so that all the LGBT fraternity can see the poverty of those living in Brighton and that while they're getting shitfaced on pills, coke and booze, the Lord Jesus's little ones are queuing up just for a cheese sandwich by the Peace Statue near the West Pier. The gays are moved to tears by the plight of the poor, even the really hard gays from London, and well over half the marchers recant their heresy and publicly state their desire to devote their lives in service of the poorest and lament their selfishness. "Yes!" they say, "The Lord is Compassion and Love! He takes pity on us in our weakness and shame! We too should take pity and give to His poor!" Many are heard saying, "I'm either going to become a missionary in Africa helping AIDS victims there or perhaps a Carthusian and seek the Face of God for the rest of my earthly existence."

8. The march is swinging in your favour. You send new converts to your local Church to gather all the CTS pamphlets, papal encyclicals and Latin Mass english/latin translations they can to disseminate among the entire flock of the marchers so that the truths of the One True Faith can be taught openly among the crowds. The majority love the Catholic Faith for they had thought that it was just a load of old mumbo jumbo that meant they were damned merely for their sexual orientation. But now they see the Holy Father is right and that the ecology of the human race is threatened by damaging and dehumanising ideologies concerning the reduction of our humanity to sex and its commodification. What is more most now agree that not only society but the Sanctity of Marriage and the Family are at stake here. Inspired by the Holy Spirit they sing God's praises like little blackbirds at morning's break.

9. The path of the march returns towards Preston Park. Enthusiastic gays have ran back to the tents to cancel the DJs, happy hardcore music and vendors of poppers, condoms and lube, so that they may be replaced with Eucharistic Adoration, recordings of Pope John Paul II saying the Rosary and inspiring talks from the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal on the Blessed Virgin's status as Co-Redemptrix of the World. Many of your brothers and sisters now converted are organising Gregorian Chant workshops both for this festival and those in years to come. Those not fully converted to the Faith are content to sit and listen to Ronan Keating singing 'You Raise Me Up' on the stereo. Give these little ones time. They will come around eventually.

10. You are a gay icon and you revel in it. Hundreds of souls are now gay as a result of your work, but in the original sense of the word, in that they are happy because you have brought them to the Lord Jesus who loves them unconditionally and alone can make them truly happy with His teaching and His Church. Your work here is done. You can let your hair down and dance with the gays all night long singing 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go' and 'Club Tropicana' with great hilarity and joy. Hundreds turn up to Mass the next day and lapsed gay Catholics are queuing up for a pre-Mass Confession...yourself included.