Reply to Cardinal Paperclip
|The papal dressing gown of Pope Larry and co|
Thank you for your swift reply to my application for the role of administrative officer, grade 12, commonly known as Pope, at your prestigious company, the Catholic Church.
I am encouraged that you keep a team of 'bank staff' who could be called upon in the event of the Chair of Peter becoming vacant. I would like you to keep my CV on file, should in emergency you require a Pope, or Popes in the future, since I have friends online who may also like to be Pope.
Due to part-time work and other voluntary commitments I have in Brighton, it might be advised that, should I be successful in any future application, I take up the role in a 'job share' capacity, since I would like to continue gardening for business and pleasure, as well as freelance writing while governing the Barque of Peter.
Due to technological developments, I believe that there is no reason that I cannot govern the Church with my friends in my dressing gown at my computer. Did not St Dominic say, "If enough people prayed the Rosary, you could convert the World in your dressing gown while snacking on a Ryvita in Lent?"
With regard to the language of Latin, which Vatican II said should be retained in the Church's liturgy, while my Latin is not proficient, I do know several Latin texts in the Mass, as well as small parts of the Little Office of Our Lady and I believe there is a Latin evening course available in Brighton. There exist, too, local baby-kissing training opportunities in my region, such as the NVQ Level 4 in Ecclesiastical Baby-Kissing and Public Acts of Compassion at City College Brighton and Hove. I believe that the relevant department in this important growth area in the world economy merged with the hair, nails and beauty treatment department recently.
I suggest that the releasing birds into the air problems currently experienced in the Vatican can be overcome by painting a Golden Eagle white and releasing this instead - an imaginative alternative to releasing a White Eagle. This way, there is little opportunity for carrion-feeding scavenger birds in the region of Vatican City, such as the famed Larus Argentatus, to spoil a delightful ornithological event connoting peace in the world.
Of course, this proposal is delicate and sensitive in nature, therefore it is probably an idea we keep it confidential and between ourselves, the reigning Pontiff and his administrative officer advisers, who, I am sure, are keen to keep abreast of any potential successors who may be waiting in the wings out of love for the Universal Chuch as a matter of utmost discretion - rather than something to be discussed it over the internet!
I note that with one retired Pope, Emeritus Benedict XVI, and one current reigning Pope, Francis, it is possible, if exceptional, that there are two sets of Keys to the Kingdom of Heaven currently in the hands of the two individual Popes.
While the vast majority of my ministry in being spiritual father to over 1 billion Catholics would, if I were successful, take place in my pyjamas, I have sized 10 feet, so while I would never presume to have secured this important position, should I be successful in any future application, I would please like my slippers to be red in respect for my predecessors and to connote my walking in the Blood of Christ and the martyrs.
May I also take this opportunity to thank you once more, Your Eminence, for your helpful reply, and humbly suggest to His Holiness that with WWIII on the horizon over the territorial disputes taking place in the Ukraine, now might be a good time to, in union with the Bishops of the World, consecrate Russia to the Immaculate Heart of Our Lady.
Yours sincerely, your humble and obedient servant (of the servants of the servants!)
Enc. Bonkers leaflet on Fatima with quotes from Fatima enthusiasts that may not be that bonkers after all if relations between Russia and the West continue to sour...