Top Ten Causes of the Irish Referendum Result
As the Irish Bishops and clergy commiserate themselves, or celebrate, at the result in Ireland, an in-depth review is taking place within the Church in Ireland as to what or who is to blame for the massive 'up yours' that the Irish people have delivered to Almighty God.
1. The leaked memo details the 10 main causes of the terrible result with the Pet Shop Boys leading the names blamed in the analysis. While this band are not said to be Irish, their influence is global and will have had some effect on the outcome.
2. The influence of Graham Norton cannot be underestimated in the Bishops view.
3. Meanwhile, this leprechaun is thought to have played a major role. According to the memo, the Bishops would like to find him and give him a good talking to, but in a non-judgmental, inclusive way, on the subject.
4. This rainbow caused quite a stir in Dublin with a nation seldom known to be in any way superstitious, taking it as a sign that God was casting His vote for same-sex marriage, neglecting to recall that this arc in the sky is more likely to be either a reminder that God sent this sign to Noah after the Great Flood as a sign of His covenant with him or that the Irish Government's reasons for changing the law was all to do with a 'pot of gold'. Unfortunately, while God promised to never flood the whole earth again, it was not lost on St Patrick that he made no such promise to the land called Eire. St Patrick prophecised that the nation would one day be submerged by a single wave, and that the sole reason for this wave would be...
6. The O'Bama Effect has been noted by the Irish Bishops who, unlike the US President were unable to bring round the Irish people to their lacklustre campaign for 'No', perhaps because every time an Irish Bishop made an announcement to say something in defence of natural marriage, another Bishop said something lame, or another Irish clergyman came out as an unaccepted homosexual and told everyone he thought it was a great idea. O'Bama, however, has, since he was elected at least, always maintained a firm line and stuck to it, making it not right or moral, but more credible.
7. God has been seen by the Irish clergy and Bishops to be somewhat of an embarrassment during the campaign and seldom was He mentioned. If only God had not deigned to issue commandments binding on the consciences of His creatures then none of this would have happened. Surely, therefore, God must be in some way to blame for this unfortunate situation. So went the logic of the Irish Bishops, so much so in fact that when the Irish Archbishop of Dublin accepted defeat, he issued a statement to say the language of the Church must change, which will in all likelihood mean that God's law has to change.
8. Much of the Bishops' review focuses on the perceived menace of the laundrettes of Ireland, where it is believed the 'Yes' campaign made major in-roads simply by talking of days gone-by in which every laundrette was owned by the Catholic Church which worked to death slave girls whipped by nuns if they refused to work. Therefore, went the logic of the 'Yes' campaign, you simply must vote for 'gay marriage'.
9. Whiskey. It is alleged in the review of the Bishops that while 62 % of the Irish voted against Jesus Christ and His Truth that it is most likely that 100% of these voters were intoxicated, because people were allowed to vote after 12 o'clock in the afternoon. They do not rule out applying to the Government for another referendum, because the first one does not reflect a sober opinion.
10. The Bishops maintained in the review that there may be a very small outside chance that their covering up of horrendous sexual and physical abuse with the State and their handling of the abuse crisis was, perhaps, "not helpful in maintaining the levels of faith" in Ireland and that rampant levels of homosexuality and a form of liberalism diametrically opposed to the Gospel have dominated the clergy to the point that many question whether these individuals, along with Bishops, actually believe in God.
It is expected that the Irish Bishops will rule this option out and concentrate on the other nine possibilities along with the nefarious influence of a host of literary figures who expressed through their literary genius their relationship with the Catholic Church in only miserable, regrettable terms that made 'I really hate being a Catholic' the waking sentiment of at least half the population.
The official response to this calamity can be read here. 'It has nothing to do with us. It was the 'cultural revolution' wot won it.'