Breaking: Appointment of New Bishop Could Signal Major Adjustments to the Golden Jubilee

With a different bishop will come a different style. New reports suggest that the Rt Rev. Richard Moth, who is leaving the Bishopric of the Forces to become the new Bishop of Arundel and Brighton, could signal significant changes to the AMEX stadium-based Golden Jubilee of the Diocese of Arundel and Brighton.

A newly appointed committee for the activities to be promoted during the Golden Jubilee have reportedly been asked to 'push the boundaries of ecclesiastical celebrations'. Guest speakers already invited are to be kept, but new speakers are also expected to be invited as the event takes on a more masculine, or even militaristic tone. It is thought that the new Bishop will want to distance himself from the original plans drawn up under the disgraced Bishop Kieran Conry and 'beef the event up' a little, promoting a more manly Diocese with strong and firm leadership from the top with deaneries set to be disbanded and parishes set to be merged into 'batallions'.

While the Archbishop of Canterbury will still be able to wax lyrical about his views on Christianity and Fr Timothy Radcliffe will be able to impress upon his audience some very private understandings of Christian morality, the Orthodox Church are to be represented by the man who's finger is always hovering over the red button, Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Putin, whose absence from public life recently promoted major news outlets around the world to issue 'Where's Putin?' cartoons, in which readers had to find Vladimir Putin in a crowd of figures wearing similar clothing, is set to be a big name booked for the mega Church celebration.

Ecumenical gesture: Vladimir Putin

It is expected that Vladimir Putin will enter the AMEX stadium from above, parachuting out of a Russian Bear fighter jet, with a live Russian bear and, having wrestled with the bear in mid-air, will continue the wrestling competition on the football pitch, before dusting himself down and giving an ecumenical talk on the powerful intercession of the Mother of God that he experienced while venerating the belt of the the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Cast out from the BBC for striking a colleague across the face for gross culinary negligence - and therefore one who can now be sought on the 'peripheries', the former Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson is said to be under consideration as a public figure who could speak ably on God, cars, driving, aggression and manliness. His talk will be entitled, "When I drive the new Ultima 1020bhp supercar, I begin to understand what it must be like to be God."

Clarkson: The only man left at BBC before his sacking
In order to promote masculinity within the Diocese as part of a new emphasis from the former Bishopric of the Forces, in a one-off mass gun licensing event, each Catholic who attends the AMEX event will be issue with a shooting rifle. Ten thousand grey collared doves will be released from a bulging net in the centre of the football pitch before those in attendance will be able to ready, aim and fire, a pastoral event that could see anything between 5,000 to 9,000 doves fall from the sky onto the turf below. The clean up operation from this event alone is expected to exceed the Diocese's initial six figure budget dramatically. Following this, children will be invited to play the traditional English village fete game, 'Whack a Rat', but with a twist to cultivate children's desire to hunt God's creatures and if necessary, to kill wild animals, as live rats are used and children learn to 'splat a rat'. A hundred ferrets have been ordered should the AMEX event run out of rats. Animal rights campaigners are concerned but as yet no moves have been made to curtail the programme's broad ambitions.

The multi-cultural nature of the city by the sea and Sussex and Surrrey's multi-ethnic communities will be served by various forms of hunting events during the day. A large, see-through container housing a variety of whales will be visible at the back of the stadium where Japanese Catholics will hunt with spears, making this family friendly day out an exciting event that will see clear water turn red with the spoils of sport, while the Filipino community will be entertained by cock-fighting. The Spanish community will be entranced by bull-fighting and anybody who complains about the nature of the event will be court-marshalled and, if necessary, taken outside and shot, after a short, but entirely just - and impartial - military trial.

The entertainment, having wowed a bloodied and thrilled congregation with renewed interest in various bloodsports, will end when the new Bishop will ride into the stadium upon a stallion, chasing a skulk of foxes before saying, 'Tally-ho! Before this Mass let us turn to the Lord and ask His mercy for those times when we have failed to live up to our baptismal promises, as we say, 'Lord, you were sent to heal the contrite. Lord, have mercy...' as Mass begins. It is thought and hoped that in the wake of this unique Church day out, all memory of the tenure of Bishop Kieran Conry will be quickly forgotten and the Diocese of Arundel and Brighton will experience the comradeship and the excitement of a newly energised Catholic community. The event may also serve, unintentionally of course, to distract attention within the Catholic community from the upcoming Most Appallingly Disastrous Synod in the History of the Church. TM


Pelerin said…
I fell for it hook, line and sinker - that is until I got to the mention of Putin! Thanks for the laugh - by the time I reached the 'splat a rat' I was laughing out loud!
Sue Sims said…
This reminded me irrestibly of P.G. Wodehouse's wonderful poem (it's in one of his Mulliner short stories, in which a pair of pacifist animal-lover writers come under the influence of a deliciously horrible blood-sports-loving household):

Good Gnu (A Vignette in Verse)

When cares attack and life seems black,
How sweet it is to pot a yak,
Or puncture hares and grizzly bears,
And others I could mention;
But in my Animals "Who's Who"
No name stands higher than the Gnu;
And each new gnu that comes in view
Receives my prompt attention.

When Afric's sun is sinking low,
And shadows wander to and fro,
And everywhere there's in the air
A hush that's deep and solemn;
Then is the time good men and true
With View Halloo pursue the gnu;
(The safest spot to put your shot
is through the spinal column).

To take the creature by surprise
We must adopt some rude disguise,
Although deceit is never sweet,
And falsehoods don't attract us;
So, as with gun in hand you wait,
Remember to impersonate
A tuft of grass, a mountain-pass,
A kopje or a cactus.

A brief suspense, and then at last
The waiting's o'er, the vigil past;
A careful aim. A spurt of flame.
It's done. You've pulled the trigger,
And one more gnu, so fair and frail,
Has handed in its dinner-pail;
(The females all are rather small,
The males are somewhat bigger).
Genty said…
I might have bought it, you rotter, if you hadn't claimed the event was drawn up by KC when clearly it has CMOC's fingerprints all over it.
Anonymous said…
The real thing is as bad as the parody. Only a difference of degree.
viterbo said…
Mr Bones, where do I buy m'ticket! I have to say, that the if Mr Clarkson were pope, I might have, possibly, but not probably, more respect for sedevacantists.
viterbo said…
Unknown said…
LOL . Clarkson, Japanese Catholics w spears, whack a rat---high larious.

Seattle kim
Pelerin said…
Real life is becoming so close to satire and parody. I have just read that on Easter Monday the Bishop of Metz celebrated Mass on the Dodgem Car attraction at a local fair. Now that's something A & B hasn't thought of - yet.

The dodgems had been lined up at the back; the altar was placed in front of the pay desk and the altar cloth covered with signatures and messages from children.

The bread and wine were brought up to the altar by two children in a dodgem car everyone smiling broadly as they were the centre of attraction. According to reports another dodgem brought up a large basket of sweets for the Bishop ... I am not sure what he was supposed to do with those.

The event of course got a mention in their local paper 'Le Republican Lorrain'. Perhaps if A & B did do something like this there would be a report in the Argus, but we mustn't give them ideas although 'splat a rat' still appeals to me!
viterbo said…
@Perelen. dear me. If clarkson had got the Novus Ordo white cassok thumbs up pinky and perky, i suspect that True Worship would have been, happily, left to promulgate.
Unknown said…
I'd like to see Jeremy Clarkson slap Pope Francis just like St. Nicholas slapped Arias. That would be awesome!

The Styg
Aka Seattle kim
Anonymous said…
Hello Mr Bones,

What about drones flying and making optical ''Medjugorje inspired' wonders in the sky above the AMEX. Please remember to take your trainers and are you fit to run away from the AMEX towards the Downs?...God will give you a good run for 100,000 K ..for the poor?

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