G: So Laurence, tell the reader what has been going on in your life since you stopped writing this book a couple weeks ago.
L: Reader, something awful has happened. Every night I have been crying out to God and crying myself to sleep. Everywhere I go I see reminders of this girl. If I go to get some fags I go at night to the local corner shop called Beatrice’s shop, where I see the cash till flashing the name of Blessed Beatrice at me. It hurts me, because such things give me hope and make me think that one day my dream might come true. Then I am at work and people are talking about a song with her name in it and I seize up. Then I look at my phone at Beatrice’s number and I burst into tears. In fact I am in a state of perpetual sadness with tears flowing the likes of which I have never experienced before in my life. I don’t think this feeling is going to go away. I am gay, so why do I feel like this about a girl, Lord?
G: Love, Love and Love. In your heart you have a chamber of love for this girl. It will not go away. It is burning like a reflection, miniscule in proportions though it may be, to the Sacred Love in My Heart. No, it will not go away. You can try and explain it all you like and you still won’t understand it. Yes, indeed reader, it is true, My dear Laurence is utterly heartbroken. The cause of his sadness? He wants the one he cannot have. What happened when you went to see her in the North, child?
L: Well, we watched a film, Lord and then I retired to a bedroom alone after the man on the telly said, “And coming up next on Channel 4, a story about how a young man who finds salvation…in his bedroom.”
G: What happened five minutes later, child?
L: I found salvation in my bedroom, Lord, just as You said through the man on the telly. Well, her flatmates bedroom to be more precise. I hope she washed his duvet, it is covered in my tears.
G: My sheep hear My Voice. 
G: So child, tell the reader what happened that night.
L: Well reader, when I went to bed that night, I did not sleep. I didn’t masturbate either come to think of it, which for me, as you can already tell, is something of a Miracle in itself. No, I spent the whole night crying and crying and crying. Then when I woke up I went outside to the garden and smoked about 40 cigarettes and cried some more.
G: Why were you crying, Laurence?
L: I cannot put my finger on it, Lord. I was crying partly out of joy, that You had allowed me to spend a day in the company of my beloved. Then I was also crying out of pure contrition to You, because I knew that I had failed You in my life and not loved as I should have and that I had missed the point of Your Holy Gospel. Then I was crying because I knew that I couldn’t have her and would have to let her go because I am gay. But finally, yes finally I believe I was crying because I thought that maybe, just maybe, that You had answered all of my prayers and that You were going to reunite us and that we would love one another and live happily ever after. I thought that You had done it, Lord. And that is why the next day, I asked her to marry me. When she asked me, “How do you possibly think it could ever work?” I wanted to say, “Because of Jesus.” But I couldn’t. She would have thought me insane.
G: A great many people will read this book and think you are insane, Laurence.
L: I know, Lord, I am starting to think I am a bit schizophrenic, because they hear voices too.
G: Your case is mild.
L: Lord! Are things getting that bad?
G: I have not found such faith in Israel. 
L: I’m not surprised, Lord, not that many people believe in You there.
G: Bad joke. Anyhow we are digressing a little aren’t we? The reader will need some light relief from your crazed psyche, for things are about to get heavy. When I prized Laurence and Beatrice apart while they were at University something happened to Laurence. At one stage during their painful break-up, he got down on his knees in the room and started crying out to Me. He was hyper-ventilating at the time because he was about to lose his loved one. He cried out, as many people do, “O my God, O my God, O my God!” and didn’t stop saying this phrase for a good five minutes. Beatrice asked him, “Why are you crying out to God, what help can He give you now?” He could not answer. I took pity on him and waited for him in a local park for him to call out to Me for help in the aftermath of their break-up. Since then I have always been in hot pursuit of him, and to his credit, he hasn’t stopped searching for Me either. Hence this book.
L: Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
G: Indeed. I know all about you. You are not that shallow. You are, like all men, a very complex creature. The point is, that although, Laurence often feels beyond redemption, this is simply not the case. As I said, all men are sinners and no soul is beyond My Grasp. At a certain point in history I reached out to Laurence when he called out for Me in a moment of desperation. That is the Divine Pity. It is also a great Mystery. However, once a child calls out for Me and wants to know Me, then I do not let them go. The bond between us is inseparable, Laurence. Nothing you think, do, or say, no matter how vile or uncharitable or nasty will ever change the way I feel about you. You want to be perfect overnight and this is your great failing. It shall not happen, because if you ever became perfect overnight, then you may actually feel like you are perfect and then where would you be? You wouldn’t need Me anymore. I am afraid, dear that Perfection is something only allocated to My Chosen Saints who are especially graced by Me. Go to any priest and they will tell you dear, that Perfection for most Catholics is not something achieved in this life at all. That is what Purgatory is for. It is a Purification. What I want from you is humility and charity. It is all Grace.
Dear reader. Earlier on I said that Laurence has always been a man on the run from this fear: Laurence is a homosexual. However, Laurence has always ran away from every single problem area in his life. These include, deep and meaningful relationships, commitment, a career, responsibility and virtually every other important thing essential to human life. Apart from football and music and boozing with friends his life has always been one characterised by running away. Well, he cannot run now, because I have him here right now. I am talking directly to him. What is more, right now, he is loving every minute of it. I am Jesus, the One he was waiting for and Laurence will soon discover that to enter into a deep and loving relationship with Me is better than any sex any man could possibly give him.
Laurence, do you have any men in your life at the moment?
L: Only one, Lord.
G: What is his name?
L: His name is Jesus Christ.
G: Until this week, Laurence had also been on the run from another thing. Love. In particular, his love for just one, solitary, girl. Like all men you are thoroughly defensive when it comes to this most powerful of human emotions. You absolutely cannot deal with it. It is a complete affront to you. A stumbling block. You see, dear child when a person is consumed by love for another person it is hard to bear. I have been watching you the past two weeks and you have utterly lost control.
And this, Laurence is what you cannot take. You want to be in charge and strong and assured but in love this is not what happens. You cannot handle love and you know it. Laurence has been thinking to himself, ‘Ah, God has found my weakness – men! I cannot be proud now that He has found my weakness!’ Aha, dear child! I have just found another! Beatrice! I am afraid you are utterly rapt in love. She has you, though not intentionally on her part, wrapped around that pretty little finger of hers, and were she to pick up the phone or write you a letter you would shed tears of joy. If she told you she needed something you would get on the train to the North and do her very bidding. I am quite sincerely telling you Laurence that you are a slave indeed. You are a slave to your passions, but you are also a slave to her.
When you wake up in the morning you turn on your computer, now bearing the wallpaper image of St Mary Magdalen, a Saint whose love for Me you are unlikely to imitate, go to your Hotmail Inbox and see if Beatrice has written an email to you. Of course she hasn’t, child. Why should she? Is she spending all her days crying over you? No, of course not. Then you go out to your corridor to see if she’s written you a letter. Has she? No, but then why should she? Then during the day you receive numerous texts and calls on your phone. Is it her? No, of course it isn’t. Why would she do that? Reader, I am only trying to make Laurence see that his slavery is not just in the bedroom, it is also with this one girl.
Romantic love, although this has to be one of the greatest of romantic love stories in the history of the world, does this to people. It has made this poor child completely and utterly irrational. Not that he was rational in the first place. But do you see what I mean, child? The only good thing about his utter irrationality is his Faith in God, which can get pretty hectic at times too as you can tell. Still, I never promised you a comfortable journey, Laurence. Fasten your seat-belt now, please. It will not be a smooth ride.
L: Lord, it is all true. In fact, I don’t believe that this book contains a single lie, which coming from someone who is an habitual liar, I think is rather impressive.
G: He is still chasing the rainbow. He hasn’t given up. Well dear, you are persistent I will give you that much. Laurence, how long has this been going on?
L: Since the day Beatrice and I parted, Lord.
G :That will be four years then, five?
L: Yes, Lord.
G: Judas, do you think it is time to stop?
L: I will try, Lord, but it’s bloomin’ hard to stop!
G: Absolutely! You are indeed a poor addict. You are addicted to cigarettes, you are addicted to alcohol (not dangerously so, though you do have your moments), you are addicted to masturbation, you are addicted to men, you are addicted to English Garden Peas, you are addicted to crisps, you are addicted to the internet, you are addicted to Arsenal, houmous, coffee, tea, cordial, music and dear child, in the words of 80s soul singer Robert Palmer, you might as well face it you are addicted to love. Thank God, child, that you are also addicted to My Heavenly Father, Me, Jesus Christ, My Blessed Mother, and I have noticed quite recently the entire Court of Heaven, as you go scampering around the internet looking for a Saint who will give you your Beatrice back, or cure the eczema on your hands, or perform some other Miracle for you. By the way, when did you get that eczema on your hands?
L: Well, Lord, it all flared up in the third year of university after I had lost Beatrice. It hasn’t gone away since. I put it down to sexual repression at first, but I don’t think it matters how much I masturbate or if I sleep with a man, it doesn’t go away.
G: No, it doesn’t. The trauma of your painful loss of Beatrice and your eczema on your hands are directly related. You have no idea of what it did to you. So have you pulled any men, recently?
L: No, Lord.
G: Why not?
L: Well firstly I am a Catholic, Lord and feel that it is not therefore wise as it is indeed a grievous sin and I hate offending You grievously. What’s the point in pulling some random guy at a club and having a completely meaningless night of sex?
G: Doesn’t stop you masturbating though does it, which is, is it not, a completely meaningless night of sex?
L: Well, I don’t take that long, Lord. Also, it’s the gravity of the sin of Sodom you see. Besides which I am talking to Francis a lot at the moment and writing this book which gives me a distraction from such things. Also, whenever I go gay clubbing I get drunk and start missing Beatrice and then I go home and sulk, eat some houmous on bread and go to sleep.
G: Oh My poor puppy. This is a Divine Distraction, Larry. Honour it and treasure it for What It Is.
L: Lord, I do not know why I got my parents to shell out so much money on counselling. Why didn’t I think of this before?
G: You did not think of this.
L: Ah yes. Providence. I do feel honoured that You would answer my prayer and help me sort my life out, Lord.
G: This book is not just for you, My dear. Honoured? The phrase you are looking for is blessed and highly favoured.
L: People will think it rather odd that You should converse with me, a homosexual.
G: Let the people think what they like. You are not a homosexual. You are Laurence. My dear girl. When My Laurence left you in the North he told you that he was going to write a book. Here it is. Laurence do you have a question for her?
L: And here I am, Lord. Yes, Lord I do have a question for Beatrice. Exactly what kind of yacht was it that you were after?
G: Oh, you are a poor romantic fool, Larry. Indeed, it is true. Many waters cannot quench love. For love is strong as death.
L: Anyone fancy joining the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church?
G: Oh, Laurence, how will you cope with fame? Behold, reader, Laurence - My new Evangelist.
L: Woo! You know that was what I always wanted to be. Dear Jesus, how shall I ever remain humble?
G: Dear child, you never were.
L: Ha-ha! You know me too well, my God and my love. I want to meet the Pope, Lord.
G: I think, My dear, that he may want to meet you too.
L: I will kiss his hands and his feet, Lord, I will humble myself before the Holy Father. I will humble myself as much as I can.
G: I think he will see through it, Larry. Just be yourself. Tell me child, what are you looking at?
G: Why is it beautiful?
L: It is beautiful because Your Cross is set against the Darkness, and from Your Body comes a Light which radiates around all who stand beneath It and all who stand beneath Your Holy Cross are illumined by the Light. You are the Light that enlightens every man  and it shines out from the Darkness, and the Darkness has not overcome it! 
G: Neither shall you be overcome.
L: I will be overcome, Lord. I will be overcome by You. I will go in to the Altar of God, to God who gives joy to my youth!
G: Ad Deum, indeed. ♥ That’s My boy.
L: Lord, I went to St John the Baptist’s Catholic Church today and lit a candle for my friend Francis in America. He is very ill. He keeps on having mild heart attacks and mini-strokes and suffers a lot from pains in his body, and he has swollen feet from his high blood pressure. There I lit a candle for him to You. I worry about him a lot at the moment, Lord. It is not really in my nature to worry about other people, but he has been so kind and good to me that I do because we have been through so much together. For him I am the little brother he never had, and to me he is just a kindly, saintly man who stuck in there with me when I found out I was gay. When I had finished praying and lit the candle, not forgetting to give some money for the candle of course, I went and sat on a pew. There I saw two little hearts next to me, two white little confetti hearts. And I thought, maybe, just maybe… When it comes to Beatrice, see, I am like Harry in Dumb and Dumber, when he asks what chance there is of a girl like Mary Swanson falling for a guy like him. She says, “One in a million.” Harry waits a while, looks utterly heartbroken and agonises before finally saying, “So…there’s still a chance! Yes!”
G: That is exactly what you are like, with young Beatrice, Laurence, and do you know what? She didn’t even say one in a million. She just said “No.” Some people, reader, do not know when to give up. Tell me child, do you feel like you are yearning and longing for a man, for male sexual love?
L: No, Lord, I feel like I am yearning to know You. You are the only Man that I long for. No man has ever made me feel so loved and so special in all my life. Come to think of it, no woman has either, Lord. To talk to You is to be given a hot water bottle on a freezing cold night. You have warmed my heart. You are the Man I have been searching for all my life.
G: Terrible analogy, Larry, but Allelulia, Allelulia. This is the Gospel of the Lord.
L: Like You said, Lord, I am not that good a writer. Praise to You, Lord Jesus Christ.
G: Do you have a deep pain in your sides? Are you in any pain, child? Your tummy?
L: No, Jesus, I feel okay, like a new man and that I could take on the whole World.
G: You probably will, however, not without My Help.
L: I love You, Jesus.
G: Child, can I tell you something? L: Yes, Lord.
G: Peter, one of these days you will fall with a man. One of these days you will fall.
L: I am hoping not, Lord.
G: When it happens I will be here for you. Nothing you do, however wrong it is, can change My love for you.
 St John 10:27
 St Luke 7:9
 St John 1 1:9
 St John 1 1:1
G: So what has happened to you over the last few days?
L: I don’t know. All I know is a man called Jesus put spittle on some clay and rubbed it on my eyes and told me to wash it off at the pool. I was blind but now I see.
G: But surely this man is a sinner?
L: I don’t know whether he is a sinner or not, Lord. All I know is that I was blind, but now I see. 
G: You don’t see yet, dear. You know the Gospel off by heart don’t you?
L: Not all of it, Lord, but most yes. My God, it is true, I really am Your child.
G: Yes, you are. Tell me child, are you a homosexual?
G: Are you a heterosexual?
G: Are you bisexual?
G: What are you then?
L: I am a child of God. I am Your child. You, Jesus, are my Brother and Saviour in Heaven and Your Heavenly Father is my Father too. Your Blessed Mother is my Mother too, and all of the Saints are my brothers and sisters in Heaven.
G: Peter, do you love Me? 
L: You know, Lord, that I do.
G: Feed my lambs, feed my sheep.
L: I will, Lord. So You have loved me so I will love your lambs and sheep. You are the Good Shepherd indeed. My God, I have a song in my head.
G: What is it called?
L: It is called, ‘I’ll be There for You’. It is You isn’t it? You are a Great God. I have noticed this. Whenever I get a song in my head it always answers my needs of the time, and it feels like it is You. It is You, Lord, who is singing into my soul.
G: Yes. Tell the reader what I am singing to your soul.
L: Reader, the Lord is singing this:
'You will never be a stranger,
You will always be my friend.
Be you angel,
be you devil,
I will love you to the end.
I’ll be your shelter,
I’ll be your shelter,
In times of storm,
I’ll keep holding on.
I’ll be there for you.'
G: I am singing this to Laurence, because I love him and he needs to be comforted almost all of the time.
L: Lord, I have noticed that you are always singing to me, whether times are good or bad. When I used to pray I would hear songs in my head and would try to drive them out as a distraction. Now I realise that it is You and I just sit back and listen to Your Sweet Voice singing your love to me.
G: Reader, I think My child is falling in love with the Invisible God.
 St John 2 9: 13-39
 St John 2 15-17