"Isn't It About Time We Had an Icelandic Pope?"

White smoke: But when will a Pope emerge from the Blue Lagoon?

With the mainstream media clamouring for an African Pope, so that the See of Peter may fulfill some kind of supernatural 'equality and diversity' criteria, the people of Iceland are wondering when their man will get the world's most sought after spiritual position.

Indeed, Scandinavia as a whole has been overlooked in terms of papabile material throughout the Church's history and this beautiful and scenic part of the World has been given the cold shoulder by Cardinals over the centuries. In the wake of Pope Benedict XVI's stunning announcement of resignation and retirement to seek the Face of God in monastic life, Icelanders are wondering whether this is their chance. Australians, too, have uttered their concern that their man may be overlooked yet again...

Bookmakers put the chances of an Icelandic Pope, Greenlandic Pope, Swedish Pope or a Pope from anywhere in the general region near the foot of their nominees for the role, preferring to imagine the Holy Spirit looking down the holy equal opportunities form and using positive discrimination to choose an African. The Spirit of God that can see into the depths of each man's soul is imagined by media pundits to have allowed Himself to be bound by the Equality Act of the United Kingdom and is ready to imagine all possibilities - especially favouring the ones put forward by morning television presenters.

Vatican window could face prosecution under the Equality Act

Government ministers, however, have warned the Holy Spirit not to be dogged down by "traditionalism" and the "conservative nature" of the timeless, Eternal Triune God, misunderstanding entirely the fact that the Holy Spirit can see beyond skin colour.

"At some point," said a spokesperson for the Government's minister for Equality, "the Government are going to have to look into the actions of the Holy Spirit in choosing Benedict XVI's Successor and open an inquiry into His procedural methods if equalities are not being respected. We respect His role in this, but nobody is above the law - even God. They say that window in St Peter's is of the Holy Spirit. We're thinking of bringing it in for questioning, but as for an investigation and assertive action on sex-selective abortions, you can forget that." 

David Cameron sent his 'best wishes' to Pope Benedict XVI and said that he hoped the next Pope would be a man not only 'gay' but 'married' to another man. Aides to the Prime Minister suggest that this could be an opportunity for the Holy See to 'get with the programme' and the Coalition are to send the Cardinals due to meet at the Conclave each a copy of some obscene material by the Terence Higgins Trust, explaining some of the 'ins' and 'outs' of homosexual married gay life to a group of men the Government regards as being in need of some 're-education'.

Some suggest, outlandishly, that Almighty God, knowing all things that are to pass, already knows the name and identity of the man who will be the next Successor of St Peter, but that He is keeping His cards 'close to His Chest', preferring to surprise the Church and the World on the day in which the new Pope is elected.

Patriarch Dawkins I Pours Scorn on 'Wasted Lives' Devoid of Sex

Patriarch: 'People who don't worship sex are wasting their life'

British atheists have been seen praying devoutly to God in the hope that He may reveal to them the identity of the future Pope so that they can put their life savings on the winner and reap in hundreds and thousands of pounds of cash, while British Patriarch, His Whollyriduculousness, Dawkins I, has opened the treasury of atheism's intellectual insights by suggesting that people who don't get any sex don't really live a life worth living, a comment he is said to have lifted from the school diary of a 15-year-old girl in Carshalton who has just contracted her third STI in as many years and is now considering her second abortion. "Life without sex would be like Shrove Tuesday without pancakes," opined the wise leader to the World's 16 trillion atheists, "It would be utterly pointless because, let's face it, if you don't rack up loads of sexual activity, influence, media-appearances and cynical and bitter Twitter remarks on the events surrounding the Catholic Church, is it not obvious that your life has no meaning?"

Dawkins I: Devout believer in the 'sex fairy'?

One Catholic theologian suggested, in response, that "Dawkins believes life has no inherent meaning anyway, so why is he suggesting a life without sex is worthless? What gives human life value? There seems no adequate atheist response for man's needs. The Church, on the other hand, holds that with Christ, no aspect of human life is without value and meaning. Everything has a deep meaning in Christ and, without him, it is harder to discern any meaning whatsoever. He is the fullness of life, love and truth."

Some have seen in the atheist's schoolboy remarks a tacit belief in the 'sex fairy myth' - the belief that there exists a 'sex fairy' who gives to valuable people copious amounts of sex, but to worthless people - especially to celibate Catholic clergy, members of the Hierarchy and the Pope - no sex whatsoever. This was thought to be an abandoned pagan myth, but it is said it has been incorporated into Dawkins' belief system which, like the origins of the Universe, he is still said to be 'working on' with colleagues at the Royal Society.

Other theologians have suggested that Patriarch Dawkins's comments display a level of insecurity and immaturity over the issue of sex that reveals an inherent spiritual and intellectual poverty at the heart of atheism and that Benedict XVI's contributions to the theological world suggest that the retiring Pope believes that the qualities of love, mercy, humility, generosity, faith, hope, courage and charity are the most sacred and valuable virtues to Christians, even in married life - in which the sexual act is sacred if open to life - since they reflect God Himself, and that a life without seeking the Face of God, while not worthless, contains a strong element of tragedy.

One Vatican theologian said, "How sad it is that at the heart of atheism there exists this fundamental belief that life a life without sex, money and power is worthless. No wonder they don't quite 'get' Jesus Christ..."