Survival of the Fittest

David Attenborough's views helped us to abandon our homeless project

I volunteered last night for a homeless shelter project in Brighton. With three other Catholics, I manned a night shift at a night shelter scheme in conjunction with other Brighton and Hove Churches.

We were flicking through the newspapers and read the David Attenborough article about population, climate change and poverty.

Having read the Royal Society fellow's analysis of the world's problems, we soon thought better of our so called 'charitable' work of sheltering the homeless and decided it best we throw them out onto the street and into the snow.

I mean, what is the point in making provision and sacrificing personal time and sleep in order just to preserve these people's lives? It's not rational to intervene in nature and defend them, is it? Why not just let nature take its course, surely? These people are not economically productive. They don't work, do they? What are they contributing to society? Are they paying taxes? There are so many homeless and economically 'unfit' people in Brighton, one wonders whether they are some kind of plague upon Brighton and Hove. It's anti-Darwinian after all and surely against reason to care for them. What is their purpose?

 

After the homeless vacated the building, the games began!

So, we told them all to sling their hooks, kicked them into the street and stayed up until late playing poker in the cosy and warm. One of them left his fags behind, but that was his fault, so we smoked them all. I do hope nobody gives him any money to buy more because he'll only spend it on drugs and drink. But don't worry, readers. Before we threw them out into the snow, we temporarily sterilised them while they were sleeping in order to limit population. Some people say what we did was "mean" or "heartless", some even "downright evil", but Attenborough's view of the world helped to change our view on matters of population, climate change and especially poverty.

For a while, we talked about 'What would Jesus and Mary do?' in this situation, but in the end there were enough heretics in the team of volunteers to decide that Jesus would do whatever a successful and wealthy nature documentary maker and climate activist would do, because the man Jesus was just a really nice guy who cared about animals, population growth and the environment - just like St Francis of Assisi.

So thank you, David Attenborough, for helping us to see what a drain on the economy and on natural resources these feckless homeless people were. We would like to have gone one step further and shot each one of them in the head so that we reduced the number of homeless in Brighton - a sure shot way of reducing poverty - but obviously that would have got us into trouble with the law.

David mixes with some furry fellow friends at the Royal Society

In the end, thanks to David's clear and concise analysis of global poverty and population, we have abandoned the homeless night shelter and left the homeless men we were sheltering to die of exposure in freezing temperatures due to Council indifference.

Part of me thinks what we have done is 'wrong' - a feeling I can't quite shake - but I know the man who hangs around with monkeys and other ape friends, especially at the Royal Society, has to be right, because, after all, he's on the telly. The reduction in carbon emissions due to our humane intervention could just save an ice shelf in the Antarctic. I mean - well - it could if everyone made a combined effort to rid the world of homelessness once and for all and a sustainable distribution of food and resources were made a priority for those who truly deserve them - those who can afford them and who contribute to society.

We were going to give them a nice fry up and some tea and coffee in the morning, but thought best that we eat all the food ourselves and throw anything we didn't use in the compost for recycling. We've since abandoned the Catholic Faith and are seeking Richard Dawkin's approval in order to join the National Secular Society.

"Frightening": Homeless men wander Brighton's streets at night

With renewed vigour and zeal, the team are drawing up a radical proposal to send to all the Churches of Brighton and Hove currently involved in the night shelter scheme for the "frightening" homeless community.

The population of homeless has "exploded" in the last few years, so we will be making several recommendations to other Churches taking part in the project. We've called it 'Agenda 24(h)'. These recommendations are as follows:

i. Provide round the clock sex education to homeless people.

ii. Coercive artificial contraception measures to be enacted in their regard.

iii. Take steps towards ensuring that despite the fact that there is loads of food in shops, encourage at all nightshelters a progressive policy to keep the homeless community of Brighton in a state of perpetual famine - just as the British Empire did with Africa and other colonies.

iv. Lend a fiver to the homeless men everyday. Set the interest rate at 4059% per day that they have not repaid the debt. If they cannot repay the money then give them another loan at an interest rate of 8098% until they pay back the first loan on the express agreement that each and every man accepts an action plan on reducing their population in Brighton and Hove.

Brighton and Hove City Council have welcomed our environmentally friendly, anti-poverty, population measures and are now considering funding the initiative until 2029. Already the UN has shown an interest in the policy proposal and David Rockefeller has very kindly donated $3 billion to the progressive, environmentally sound, anti-poverty population reduction initiative. Thank you, Mr Rockefeller, you really are a Saint who consistently puts his money where his mouth is.