Monday, 22 July 2013

Royal LGBT Baby Watch

The royal baby:  Will he or she or s/he be born with a rainbow flag?
LGBT campaigners are waiting with baited breath for the new Royal arrival. They know its going to be a baby - but will it be the LGBT baby campaginers have been waiting for?

Could this be the first LGBT King or Queen of the future? With the Queen's hand having created the possibility for 'equal marriage' across the realm and the Royals now fully signed up to the new era of inter-sexual orientation harmony the LGBT community are waiting in the wings for news of any sign that could indicate sexual orientation or transgender issues.

Right now, the Duchess is in labour, though for how long she can be called a 'Duchess' is unknowable, since 'Duchess' is a fearful gender stereotype in the 21st century. Many are wondering, 'Will the newborn royal be a boy, or a girl?' Yet, with the Royals having well and truly 'got with the programme' some are already arguing that this could be the Royal baby who brings transgender issues to the Royal Throne. "He may look like a King," they are saying, "but a King could still yet be a Queen, both physically and sexually."

One LGBT campaigner with a special interest in transgender issues said, "I'm really hoping, even praying, that this baby will be transgender. We all know we are 'born this way' and it rarely, if ever, has anything to do with childhood development issues, so we will be hoping that this baby will grow up to be either a King, or a Queen who will take their transgenderism seriously and throw out many of the conventions associated with a traditional monarch. We love the Royal Family and we want this baby to be as normal and wonderful as possible - so we want an LGBT baby - Let it neither be a King, nor a Queen - Let it be a Quing!"

Under new same-sex marriage law, terms such as 'husband' and 'wife' will be applicable to same-sex couples as words and phrases lose inherent meanings that have been attached to them for centuries, in a bizarre dictionary revolution instituted by HM Government. In future, such terms as 'boy' and 'girl' could be erased from human language as concern over gender stereotyping - especially of babies - becomes more prevalent, so as not to injure their feelings or disturb their development into flourishing homosexual or lesbian, as well as questioning and unsure adults.

Summerskill: 'The law of equal opportunities is in our favour...'
Ben Summerskill of Stonewall said, "We are excited as everybody else about this Royal baby. A big gay royal baby could be the final overturning of an existing taboo which still, to this very day, may dominate sexual politics at Buckingham Palace. Yes, we too wish the happy couple - whose marriage is absolutely equal in worth and dignity to that of those same-sex couples who will wed - every joy in the new arrival of the baby King or Queen."

"Whether its a future King or a future Queen, we would only be too happy to see the Royal baby grow up to be a happy, healthy homosexual or lesbian or transgender young adult and look forward to the day when a Royal will join us on a Royal 'Floatilla' for Gay Pride in London, Brighton or Manchester."

When asked of the likelihood of a gay baby, Mr Summerskill said, "The law of equal opportunities suggests that the time for an openly gay King or Queen has come. If it was a gay baby, it would be so wonderful for the gay rights movement, and I would be first to attend the gay marriage of the King in either a civil marriage, or, indeed, at Westminster Abbey! Oh, I do love a good wedding! Oh how I love a good wedding!"

Paddy Power are already taking bets on the sexual orientation of the new Royal arrival, with odds of 7/1 that he or she will be heterosexual, 20/1 that she will be lesbian, 22/1 that he will be gay and 90/1 that he or she will have major transgender issues, most likely resulting in surgery on the NHS. Paddy Power are also offering odds of 5/2 that we will never hear of the sexual orientation of the Royal Baby in line with existing convention in the Royal Family.


Paddy Power have just revealed that the new Royal baby is a boy (gender stereotyping fascists, that they clearly are) and that he weighs 8lbs 6oz. Social Services are already on the scene to assess the baby and to check that this baby is not obese or prone to obesity because every child matters. The Royals are said to have been given the go-ahead and will be allowed to keep their baby, so there will be no family court appearance for this delighted Royal couple and the baby will not be carted off by the local authority to be put up for adoption with a gay couple.

We now go live over to our LGBT correspondent outside the hospital.

Ben, what do you make of this? 8lbs 6oz? Does this give us any clues?

Ben: "At the moment, it is just too early to say."

'Overjoyed': Ann Furedi of BPAS: Royal Reproductive Health Analyst
Interesting. Live now as the news breaks of the Royal baby to our Royal reproductive health analyst.

Ann, what do you make of this? First of all, is this baby human?

Ann: "Yes, its great news. I can say that I am 94% certain that at this stage, now that we have a birth of a new baby boy, that this is both a baby and human. The fact that its a boy is wonderful, especially in the light of that gendercide scandal that hit abortion clinics last year. An hour ago, I was really unsure, but I think we can categorically say, with about 6% of doubt, that this baby is human and endowed with Royal dignity."

But was he human about 24 hours ago, ten minutes ago, ten days ago or 6 months ago, or even, dare I say it, at conception?

Ann: "Let's not go down into that back street. For the moment, let's just rejoice in the birth of a new Royal baby. Isn't it splendid? I'm overjoyed. Everyone knows how much I love children and rejoice whenever a new baby is born into the World. If a public holiday is called in honour of this great event, I'd just like to say that all our clinics will be open..."

Well, that just leaves me time to offer my sincere congratulations to the Royal Couple and to the whole Royal Family on the birth of a wonderful new baby boy, made in the image and likeness of God, born to rule and to serve. For the sake of the continuation of the Royal Family, I hope that he doesn't go on to choose a 'same-sex wedding'. We all know that the Royals are better than that. After all, after the initial fad and media whirlwind, it is likely that it will not only be the Royals who consider such a thing as more than a little vulgar.


umblepie said...

Congratulations Laurence! The first I knew of this exciting news was on your blog-site! I know you're pretty-much on the front-line as far as news is concerned, but to beat the media at their own game is really something!

Anonymous said...

Makes the name QUEEN'S SPEECH more interesting.
Stephanie Mann on her blog has an interesting comment about the Queen singing the GLBT marriage act in defiance of the Book of Common Prayer.

johnf said...

You've excelled yourself again, Lawrence

jaykay said...

Private Eye cover: WOMAN HAS BABY Mr. Bones, your latest post surely guarantees you a place as a scribe with Lord Gnome's illustrious organ. Or maybe... ??? Shurely shome mishtake. I think we should be told.

Martina Katholik said...

Maybe the royal baby soon will get a LGTB uncle.

"Prince Harry: I might experiment with gay men if my relationship doesn’t work out"

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