Floods Prompt British Pagan Federation to Campaign for "Sacifices to be Made"

George Osborne: "Did someone just say, 'sacrifice'?"

With the Prime Minister and the Environment Agency struggling to deal with floods of 'biblical proportions', concern is growing as to how the British population will respond to the Cabinet's management of the disaster in a 'post-Christian country' in times of epic aquam intolerabilem.

With the baptismal waters of Christianity brought to the British Isles in tidal retreat and polytheism and neo-paganism washing over the nation as they leave, the UK-based Pagan Federation believes that the ancient rites associated with human sacrifice to appease rain gods could bring welcome relief to a country whose patience with unprecedented precipitation-related strife is running very swiftly dry.

The Stonehenge altar stone prepared for David Cameron

Emergency sacrifice sites already being prepared?

The Pagan Federation's controversial proposal suggests that such sacred sites as Glastonbury Tor, Stonehenge, Datchet, Worcester, Shepperton and Bridgwater could quickly and readily be prepared to make way for sacrifices and political oblations that it is hoped could mitigate or even reverse the tide of dramatic flooding witnessed in the first two months of 2014.

Residents are being urged to make 'preparations' in the regions for rituals not practiced on a such a scale since the arrival of St Augustine of Canterbury on these shores, bringing the Gospel to the Angles.

In close collaboration with the Pagan Federation, the Met Office have released this image of those regions where sacrifices to wind, rain and snow gods and godesses are thought likely to be most effective.

The involuntary 'offering' of David Cameron, Nick Clegg and David Miliband, upon pagan altars, to be followed closely by Maria Miller, Eric Pickles, the Chief Executive of the Environment Agency - as well as the voluntary self-offering of Green Party MP, Caroline Lucas - is maintained by the Pagan Federation to be just the first in a wave of potential ritual appeasements seeking to steer the favour of the gods back towards the protection of the British Isles, as well as its iconic coastline, known for its natural beauty and sites of special scientific interest.

Suggestions include the 'Angel of the North' being converted into a dual purpose sacrificial tower made famous in 'Apocalypto' with in-built 'wicker man' facility for the burnt offering of political figures and environmental chiefs.

A spokesperson for the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales tried to pour water on the initiative being touted by the Pagan Federation, but insisted that, "The Bishops Conference welcomes any proposals that might bring relief to communities affected by flooding and while such ritual sacrifices would be regrettable, can confirm that a return of widespread human sacrifice in the British Isles would in no way hamper the ongoing and fruitful inter-religious dialogue taking place between the Church and occult societies and organisations."

Rubrics associated with human sacrifice

Donations of liturgical dancers have been offered from around the World

The Pagan Federation has released an in-depth guide for British households on the ancient rubrics associated with human sacrifice to appease the anger of the gods, acknowledging that the pagan movement in Great Britain remains divided following the publication of the revised pagan missal of 389 AD.

This was an event which split the pagan communities in the UK, as high priests and priestesses decided, following the pastoral Second Glastonbury Council, to abandon Latin and introduce vernacular into their sacred rites, while ministers of the rituals agreed, after much controversy, to celebrate the rites 'facing the people' instead of the ancient sun god. The new, revised translation of the rite of human sacrifice of 389 AD is favoured by the Pagan Federation and is being proposed as the most effective rite in the banishment of rain, wind and snow and training centres are being set up in community centres around the UK for the formation of a body of new ministers. Traditionalist pagans, however, remain unconvinced that this rite is as effective as the 'old black mass' of their ancestors and is 'less reverent'.

The Pagan Federation has made an appeal for women, in particular, to train in the art of pagan dancing at the sacrificial festivals which could once again become a hallmark of religious life in the United Kingdom and, in a gesture of good will, the Catholic Church around the World has offered some of its finest liturgical dancing teams with suitable outfits to assist in the liturgical celebrations as ancient pagan rituals become once again a common feature of modern British life.

Dismay among traditional Catholics

To the dismay of traditionalists within the Catholic Church, who maintain their belief that Christ's redemptive Sacrifice upon Calvary is the only Sacrifice that can bestow upon mankind salvation - a sacrifice re-presented in the Mass - churches, too, in line with new equality legislation, have agreed to allow their community centres and parish halls to be used as makeshift training centres for the rituals which the Pagan Federation insists could begin in earnest as early as March 2014.

One controversial Catholic apologetic insisted that with 200,000 abortions every year recorded in the United Kingdom, "It is very apparent that human sacrifice to the gods of the age bring nothing but misery and death, both temporal and spiritual, to the World. This is surely the diabolical ritual slaughter that needs to be ended in our time if you genuinely seek to appease the justice of the Triune God."