Chapter 3 

G: My Laurence, why do you think I decided to answer your prayer and come to you in this book?

L: My Lord, I am so foolish that I do not know why You bother with me at all.

G: Dear child, the reason I decided to come and join you in this book is because you asked for Me. What is more, you did not ask for Me because you think it would be interesting to know, ‘Who is this God?’ You asked for Me because your poor heart is crying out for Me. The very heart of you, is desperate for Me, because I am your Creator and Redeemer. What you crave I long to give you. I thirst for you. I love you. The fact that you long for Me, makes you special in My Eyes and also makes your motives for this book very special indeed.

L: Behold the Man! [1]

G: Ecce Homo, indeed. Laurence, do you realise that while you write this book you are in a state of perpetual prayer? Through writing this book, you will indeed see how much you need Me. I will convert you entirely to Myself. And I will indeed become the Love of your life. See, all of your longing for Me will be revealed in this book. Not only will I convert your poor heart to Me, but the hearts of a great many other men who also long for Me, even if they had not realised it yet. During this book the reader will laugh, cry, fret, and agonise before I show you, Laurence, and many more that I, Jesus, am the One that you have been waiting for.

Brighton, UK: Home to millionaires and paupers
This book will bear witness to the Truth and will embody the very heart of My Gospel teachings. So, why have I chosen Laurence to write a book for Me? Firstly, because Laurence is a gay man and I wish to finally dispel the crude assumption that I, Jesus, hate gays. I am Love. There is neither hate nor anger in Me. He, you see, is one of My lucky homosexuals. He lives in Brighton, England, the gayest town since Sodom. He has good friends who love him dearly and liberal parents who only want their son to be happy. Thus, he is able to be open about his sexuality. Thank God, child that you do not live in Texas. It is now three ‘o’ clock in the morning and I am still talking to Laurence in the interior of his little heart. He wants to go to bed, but he is now completely alive to God and doesn’t feel he can.

Secondly, because once I have finished with him, Laurence will not be proud anymore. He has nothing to be proud of. Once I am done he will feel like a man who has seen the Light and wants to seek the Truth. This book, Laurence, is Judgement Day for you. Do not be afraid, Laurence. All men are wretched. When asked about this book, he will be able to say, sincerely, I am just a sinner who God has used as His instrument to write a book about Catholicism and homosexuality. Last night, Laurence discovered something about the man he referred to at the beginning of this book. His name is Francis and I sent Francis to Laurence in an online chat-room. Through My servant Francis I helped Laurence to finally accept once and for all his true sexuality.

Only a gay man can possibly understand what it is like to realise for the first time, ‘I am gay.’ Francis was incredibly worried about Laurence for the time that it took Laurence to come to terms with his homosexuality. He was worried that Laurence would commit suicide for the shame of his true sexuality, the sudden realisation that he had been lying to himself all along, the fact that his dreams of having a wife and family were being shattered before his very eyes. Francis, unlike Laurence, sincerely cares for other people. He loves Laurence and is the kind of person who would rather die himself than see Laurence suffer. He is truly My Disciple. Only a gay man, who has been through the shame, the pain and the utter heartbreak of realising one’s true sexuality and knowing that you could be cast out of society for it knows the pain that Laurence went through during that time. Laurence clung on desperately to any vain hope he had of not being gay.

Luckily for Laurence, he does believe in Me, and believes that his life has a purpose of service to God, so he wouldn’t have committed suicide and ended his short life. But, I tell you, the thought did creep into his mind. When Francis was young, the thought crept into his mind many more times than that and with much more intensity. Why? Because where he lives he would be utterly rejected. As I say, Laurence, you My dear, are one of the lucky ones. So, Laurence, as I say, you are chief human contributor to this book. Tell the reader what happened to Francis while he was in the seminary training to be a priest. I ensured that you saved all of your online conversation with him last night as he told you for the first time what had happened to him. You, My dear, do not know how painful that was for him. He has never told anyone his story. He cannot afford to.

A seminary years ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
L: Well um, reader. When my friend Francis was training to be a priest in a seminary in America, the seminary found out that Francis was gay. He was, of course, completely celibate at the time, because all priests and religious are meant to be celibate, because they take vows of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience. I know that Francis is a wonderful man and he has helped me a lot. Anyhow, so the seminary finds out that Francis is gay.

Apparently, and I don’t know whether this really still goes on, the seminary operated a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy on homosexuality. Like, if you are don’t tell us or don’t let us find out, because if we find out we may be obliged to eject you from the seminary. Anyway, so they find out that he is gay and Francis is almost immediately ejected. I had been talking to him and had asked him the question that if one just man was ever evicted from a religious house or seminary just because of his sexuality that that was a great crime, because it would be like saying, ‘You are too sinful to be here, you will never achieve holiness in any form and you bring shame on us. Then to my horror Francis told me that it had happened to him. I was, like, “O my God, how could that happen?”

He said he knows now that the Lord wanted him to look after his dying relatives and so it wasn’t to be. I was like, “No way! I cannot believe what you just told me. That is discrimination and that can never be good.” For me, Lord, it reminded me of that bit in the Gospel where you say that if anyone humiliates a brother or a sister then they are worthy of the fires of hell. [2]

Not only was Francis celibate, but he didn’t even masturbate throughout his time there, because he felt a need to set a good example to others. I think that’s amazing, because being a gay man myself, I know how it feels to try not to masturbate because I have lots of hormones going on inside of me as I am 25 and I get pains in my sides and in my tummy from the repression. Well, Lord, as you can imagine, I was utterly shocked and dismayed and thought, what if I wanted to be a priest or a monk and openly gay? Why should I have to hide my sexuality, something I was born with, if I wanted to be a religious? Like you say, Lord, it isn’t my fault I am this way, its just the way I am and You still love me, so why wouldn’t the Church love me too?

G: Eloquently put, Laurence. You didn’t used to think that though, did you?

L: No, Lord, before I found out I was gay, I used to be very tough on gays, Lord. I thought they were disgusting and sinful and therefore they would all go to Hell. Now, obviously I know I am gay, I have…well…adjusted my position and softened my attitude. You can’t go to Hell just for who you are.

G: You really are a terrible hypocrite, Laurence.

L: I know, Lord it is my folly and my shame.

G: Now, I love My Church, She is holy. She is however a perfect institution full of imperfect people. There are some gay Catholic organisations that seek a reform in Church teaching on homosexuality. Well, that can never happen, because Her teaching is perfect and sound. What I want from Her members, and that means lay people as well as clergy, priests and religious is love and understanding of homosexuals and the condition of homosexuality. Laurence, you look awestruck.

L: I am completely dumbfounded, Lord.

G: Why?

L: Well, Lord, I remembered that I had read a passage in a book I found at my Grandma’s a year ago and thought I should read the passage at the end again. It just seems rather, um…prophetic.

G: Tell Me, child, what is the title of the book in question?

A book about quiet people?
L: Lord, it is called ‘Holy Orders: The Tragedy of a Quiet Life’ and it is by someone called Marie Corelli.

G: Now, in case Laurence starts thinking he is My Representative on earth, I would like to stress to him that he is most definitely not. He is just a man, and a poor, foolish one at that. My Representative on earth is the Vicar of Jesus Christ, Pope John Paul II and he is no fool. The reason that Laurence is completely awestruck is that indeed I did indicate to him quite a while ago, before he discovered he was gay and long before I was going to write this book through him that he would be involved in a book. He wondered how on earth this was going to be possible, because he has never written anything apart from a few features for his magazine journalism course. A course which he has discovered to be completely useless. Anyway, I don’t want him to be a journalist. I want him to be My writer.

See in My Wisdom I of course knew that this was going to happen. I told Laurence to quit his day job and start thinking about freelance journalism. Then I told Laurence to think more broadly about what he wanted to do with his life. And then I placed the idea of being a writer to him. See, he isn’t that good, but he knows that with Me all things are possible. For nothing is impossible for God – or difficult for that matter. Now, Laurence, when you read that final passage in ‘Holy Orders’ I gave you a Sign. People will need some kind of a Sign to believe that indeed it is I, the Lord, who am writing this book for you. So child, I want you to reproduce the passage word for word, and I will leave at your discretion how much you want to include, now at your computer. L: I think I want to reproduce it all, Lord. This is my little moment of fame.

G: You shall have your moment of fame, Laurence. This is only the start. Go ahead, reproduce the whole passage and have your first little moment of fame.

L: Okay, here goes…

'Out of the Cathedral the huge congregation poured, scattering its sections all over London, talking with heated animation as they went, some angrily, some scornfully, some jeeringly and a few admiringly, but all more or less violently moved from their usual comfortable calm. And avoiding the press of people as much as possible, young Laurence Everton walked through the City streets with a small, grey-haired dapper little man in the garb of a Catholic priest, no other than Sebastian Douay.
“Ah, my Laurence!” he exclaimed. “We shall never hear your father preach again in London! Such a sermon has offended everybody!”
Laurence smiled dreamily. “Does it matter?” “To him, no! But the world."
“What does he care for the world, except when it calls for his love and pity?” said Laurence – “The world cannot help him. But he can help the world.” “He can and he does”, agreed Douay. “But at a certain cost to himself. His Church is afraid of him.”
“Because he speaks truth, I know!” said Laurence. “Again. Does it matter?”
Douay looked up at the handsome young man beside him, and thought of a fair little face and blue eyes long ago hidden in the dusty darkness of the grave. “No, perhaps not!” he answered.
“And you, Laurence, will you also one day be a famous preacher?” Laurence shook his head decisively.
“Never! I shall never enter the Church!”
Laurence stopped in his walk. There was a brightness on his features as of some inward illumination. “Because I want too big a pulpit!” he said. “Too large an audience! There’s no cathedral vast enough to hold the congregation I seek to draw! My strength is limited, but my ambition is boundless. I shall be a writer, not a preacher. For when the people will not go to church they will read, and when a sermon is forgotten and perishes, sometimes, only sometimes, a Book lives!” [3]'

G: Now tell Me, child. What was it about this passage that sent a shiver down your spine?

 L: Well, Lord, it is just that the word, ‘Book’ is capitalised when it need not be. The only things that get capitalised are things that are holy.

G: Laurence. What is your name?

 L: My name is Laurence.

 G: Fear not, Laurence for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine. When you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you walk through fire, you will not be burned; neither will the flames consume you. For I am your Saviour, I Yahweh, your God, the Holy One of Israel. L: Praise to You, Lord Jesus Christ.

 [1] St John 19:5
[2] St Matthew 5:22-23
[3] ‘Holy Orders – The Tragedy of a Quiet Life by Marie Corelli


Chapter 4 

L: I think I’m going to need a cigarette, Lord.

G: You are a man of many addictions Laurence, none of which are particularly healthy. Laurence, there is another reason that I chose you to write this book. You did not know it at the time. You thought you were going to write a book about Catholicism and homosexuality. And so you have. In it I explain clearly that the act of homosexuality is a grievous sin, but like all sins, it can be forgiven in Catholic Churches around the globe and that homosexuals are no different to the rest of the human race in that they are sinners who are loved by God. Now reader, it is of vital importance that I tell you that before Laurence got to work on this book he had tried to write a book called, ‘Beatrice’ about the girl who got Laurence down on his knees and call out on Me, Jesus, for help.

The book never really happened, primarily because he wasn’t wise enough to ask Me to help him. This time he prayed to Me, knowing that he can do very little good without Me and that all things are possible to God. When Laurence went up North three weeks after having told his true love he was gay he rather rashly asked her to marry him. I have already rebuked Laurence for this behaviour as it put the poor girl in a very uncomfortable situation.

So, dear child, when you asked ‘Beatrice’ to marry you, what did she say?

L: She said no, Lord.

G: Why, child?

L: Well, Lord, she said no because, amongst other reasons, I am gay.

G: Were you surprised, Laurence?

L: I guess I expected it, Lord, because really it’s impossible for a gay man and a straight girl to get married. 

G: Now reader, this is a commonly held misconception. It is by no means impossible for a gay man and a straight girl to get married. The Sacrament of Marriage is holy. It is I, the Lord who make it Holy and I am the One who oversees its success. It is the union of two people who on the day of their Wedding Vow to each other that they will honour each other, love each other and obey each other for the rest of their lives.

Now, Laurence, if you were to ever enter Holy Orders, in becoming a monk or a priest you would be making a Vow, before the Almighty God to live a life of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience. Because you believe in Me, I do not believe that you would ever break that Vow, no matter how much you felt tempted by the pleasures of the World.

In so doing, you are choosing a Path of life. To go back on such a Vow is not something that anyone does lightly, not if they are serious about being My Disciple. Similarly, in the Sacrament of Marriage you make a solemn Vow before the Almighty God to devote your life to the happiness of that one person and to put that persons needs above your own - to forget about yourself and devote your entire life to the care of that one person.

L: I can see what you are getting at, Lord, and should I ever get married to anyone I would never be unfaithful to that person. I have never been unfaithful to anyone. Apart from You, Lord.

G: Ah, at last My child admits the truth. Indeed you have been unfaithful to Me, Laurence, but of course, I forgive you. I saw Laurence go to Confession today, you see and there I absolved him of all his sins, his masturbation, his pride, his selfishness and I can tell you, that since he has started writing this book, he is considerably more sorry than he was before. Not only were those sins forgiven, but even the ones he forgot to mention, such as the fact that he misses Mass far too often and doesn’t attend Holy Days of Obligation. He is now back in a State of Grace, although quite how long that will last is anyone’s guess. The poor man, as he so rightly says, sometimes, “gives in too easy.” Remember, child that sanctity is a life-long aim and not something that happens overnight. I am now peering into Laurence’s heart and soul and see that he has a question. What would you like to ask Me, child?

L: Well, Lord, if I ever got married to a girl would I be able to sustain a good and healthy love life with that person and would we be able to have children?

G: No. It is likely that you would not be able to sustain a healthy love life with a girl. However you most certainly would be able to have children. The Catholic Church teaches chastity even in the married state and that the primary reason for sex in the Sacrament of Marriage is that of Procreation.

In a World in which the pursuit of carnal pleasure has become the certified norm, the sanctity of marriage proposed by the Catholic Church offers the World a more sensible approach to sex in which the relationship is not governed by passion but by mutual love and affection. Sex takes a secondary role in the relationship, which is healthy, because as we all know, as a couple stay together and become used to each other, the passion dies down naturally of its own accord. No, in marriage, something stronger, more stable and more lasting has to exist for it to work, and that something is love. As long as love exists between two people then the power of love can overcome all obstacles. With the transforming power of God’s love, such obstacles are overcome all the more easily.

L: Lord, can I just stress to the reader that it is definitely not me who is writing this, and even if I am writing it, that You are helping me out. My parents will vouch for me in saying that the wisdom displayed in this book is not evident in my life in the slightest.

G: I am the Incarnate Wisdom, Laurence. Laurence. Would it be true to say that another reason that you are an unhappy man is that you are without your beloved Beatrice?

Holy tarmac: Blessed Pope John Paul II
L: Yes, Lord. That is true. I do still love her more than anything else in this World. If there was a competition between You and her, You would obviously win, but only marginally. I worship the very ground that she walks on, Lord. If I were with her I would kiss the ground she walks on as Your Pope kisses the ground of foreign countries when he gets out of a plane.

G: It is I who make that ground holy. And the ground she treads on will always be holy for you.

L: Everyday, I miss her and think of her and her charms. She is the most special person in the whole World to me. When I went to see her in the North I thought that I was in Heaven.

G: Indeed you were, child. Do you want to know why you were in Heaven for that day? It is because she will always lead you to Me. She was, is and always will be your salvation. Now, it is important that the reader knows that the name of the girl in question is not Beatrice at all. The girl knows who she is. The reason that I have called her Beatrice is that the girl in question knows full well, having studied Dante’s Divine Comedy, that Beatrice is the name of the girl who always leads Dante to Heaven. 

So, Laurence, why do you think that this is the girl who will always lead you to Heaven?

L: Lord, Beatrice will always lead me to Heaven because when I lost her I realised the terrible cost of not loving. I realised the cost of not putting another persons needs above my own and I realised the cost of my selfishness. When I called out for You, I called out for You because I wanted to know how to love her, and not only her but all my brothers and sisters.

G: My child. What was the cost?

L: The cost was Your death on the Cross, Lord Jesus.

G: My child is now experiencing contrition for his sins so very perfect that his tears are as jewels in My Sight. So, my Beloved Disciple, what I asked you earlier I now ask you again. Are you ready to give up your life of sin and selfishness for the love of Me and only love for Me?

A luxury yacht
L: You know that I am. I will always love her, and I will buy her a yacht with the proceeds from this book, Lord and not just any yacht. We always had a running joke that if I ever made any money I would get her a yacht. It would be called Beatrice and she could use it under the condition that Mass was served once a day.

I will leave it in Brighton and she can use it whenever she likes. My God! When I went to see her, I never meant to ask her to marry me. That was never on my mind. It was just that, when I saw her, I knew that I still loved her and realised how much I missed her. For that evening we were together I knew I was with the most beautiful creature in the world. It was like being with an angel.

G: You have been with angels before and you did not behave like that.

L: My Christ! I cannot explain it even to myself! How can one person leave my life and cause a great shadow to fall over the rest of it!? I am a gay man in love with a girl in the North. How could one person have so much power over me that would drive me to You!? Every morning I wake up and know that I have dreamt of her. Every night I dream of her. Before I lost Beatrice I didn’t want anything to do with You, and now I am obsessed by You! How can the absence of one person in my life drive me into Your Arms and set my heart on fire with the desire for Perfection!?

G: It is called Love.

L: Well I hate it! It causes too much pain!

G: I know you hate Love. That is why you and I do not often see eye to Eye.

L: Do you want to know why I asked her to marry me, Lord? I asked her to marry me because of You. Because I thought that because of You, anything was possible, that You could make all things well.

Romeo circa 1968
G: O Romeo…My poor lovesick Romeo.

L: I am not Romeo, Lord. Romeo was straight!

G: Romeo was tragic.

L: My God. Love hurts so much. My heart hurts so much from her absence.

G: My darling, look at My Holy Cross and you will see that I know exactly how you feel. It is true what you say. Love hurts.

L: My God! My homosexuality is not my Cross! My Cross is that I cannot be with the one who I adore. I cannot be with her. All I can do is love her and wish for her happiness and pray for her happiness daily. I cannot get married to her or anyone else, for I have learned a harsh lesson in life. That love is not enough. And that is a sad reflection on our fallen World. Because it is a fallen World, sometimes love is not enough. Vanity of vanities. All is vanity! [1]

G: So then, your love for Beatrice. Is it all in vain?

L: Lord, to love is never in vain. But to love someone so much that it hurts everyday to be without her, to me, feels like a love in vain. What is the point in loving someone if you cannot show them your love for them?

G: I think that at this moment in time you are doing just that.

L: Lord Jesus, when I was at work a few weeks ago, a friend came up to me and I told her that I had recently been up North. She said she was from the same town as her. She asked me what bar did I go to while I was there. I told her I didn’t know the name, but the bar had three levels. She said that the three levels represented Hell, Purgatory and Heaven. Then she asked me what floor I was on with Beatrice. I said I was on the top floor. “Oh,” she said, “So you were in Heaven?” “Yes!” I replied. Holy Mother of God! I nearly broke down and wept there and then! It is true. Every dream comes from God.

G: Not every dream, dear, but some.

[1] Ecclesiastes 2 1:2

1 comment:

Physiocrat said...

This is as good as C S Lewis.

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