Ch 1-2

Chapter 1 

Dear God and Father, I am only 25 yet I feel so afraid. Everyday I feel a pain in my stomach, sometimes I feel sick, from my secret desires which I repress all day long.  I have done things with men in Your sight which have offended You, and I am truly sorry. I know why You had to send Your Divine Son to die in my place.  I never thought this would happen to me, I had repressed all my desires for so long and now it is all coming to the surface. Yesterday, I was in my room when I could feel a strange longing for a man and just wept on my pillow. Even now I can feel a stone pain in my stomach from this sexual repression. I know only two people who understand what I am going through from a spiritual perspective – my friend Francis in America and Your Divine Son. Why do you think My Divine Son knows what you are going through? I think it is because while He is God in Heaven, he became a man for my sake, and had a human heart. That human heart, the Sacred Heart of Jesus loved you on earth and loves you now in Heaven.

L: Also, Father, he knows what it is like to suffer pain and humiliation. 

G: He knows what it feels like to be crushed by the heavy weight of sin – not his sins, but your sins and the sins of the whole World. He took it all upon Himself.

L: Father, do you realise how difficult this is? I am gay. I would quite like a sexual relationship with a man, but in the eyes of the Church I should not have a sexual relationship as it is living in a state of sin. I’m in a mess, aren’t I?

G: The short answer is yes but no. You seem to be forgetting about the forgiveness of sins. If you should ever fall, I am waiting for you in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, a place where I catch you, brush you down and put you back on your feet again. You leave the Confessional with a soul reconciled to Myself.

L: But if I have a relationship with a man I would be mocking the forgiveness of sins. I can’t commit myself to a relationship with a man, have sex, go to Confession and say sorry I won’t do it again, and then return to a sexual relationship as if nothing had happened.

G: No, this is true, but how often do you masturbate?

L: I masturbate quite often at the moment, Father. Sometimes if I don’t, I get a sharp pain in my sides from the repression. At other times, if I am honest, I just give in too easily.

G: Well then you’ve completely destroyed your own argument.  You are a young man of 25 who has an addiction to masturbation. You are not the only 25-year-old Catholic who does this. Every man has a weakness. When you go to Confession you try to say sorry, but God is hardly surprised that you do it again and again because you are 25.

L: I have to say that as much as I still adore my ex-girlfriend, I haven’t looked at a girl in that way in months.  I only look at men now.  My mind is made up, or rather it has been made up for me. I suppose I am meant to take up my Cross and follow Jesus, am I not?

G: I think you are meant to accept that you are human and fail.

L: Also, Father, everywhere I go I keep on seeing the number 33.

G: What do you mean?

L: I mean the number just keeps hitting my eyes and I notice it.  The number 33 is not without meaning, is it Father?

G: No, it is a number full of meaning, My dear.  It is the age at which Jesus was crucified in order that sins may be forgiven.

Eerily, enough, this is also the number of degrees in British Freemasonry
L: I often see the number 33 when I am struggling with my homosexuality, Father.  When I am having homosexual thoughts and I feel it is wrong, if I am at work and these secret desires are suddenly coming out, it is often then that I see the number 33.  

Sometimes I am really struggling with it, and I am thinking, ‘I am a Catholic and can’t have sex with a man, even if the two of us were in love.’  I seem to want this sexual love, I don’t know why, but that is the way I am made.  But when I am struggling with all this, I often see the number 33.

G: Maybe, the number 33 is symbolic of God’s personal love for you. You are just a man, with desires the same as other men, passions and lusts that everyone has.  When the Son of God was 33 he took all of your weaknesses and faults upon Himself on the Cross. God died for your sins when he was 33.  He chose to do so.  He didn’t have to, he could have decided not to. But out of love for you and compassion for you he gave himself up to death, in order to open the gates of Heaven to you and the rest of Mankind.

You have always misunderstood the reality of Faith.  You seem to be under the illusion that you can earn God’s love. My Son made it quite clear that nobody deserved to go to Heaven on his or her own merits. Heaven is a gift freely bestowed upon Mankind by a generous, compassionate God.  You are always completely dependent on My Mercy.

The Catholic Church does not sanctify a homosexual relationship.  That much is true. The Church doesn’t endorse homosexuality in the same way that it doesn’t endorse adultery, robbery or fornication.  But everyone has his or her own sins.  

One man might be a compulsive gambler, who cannot for the life of him stop himself from gambling his family’s money away, or drinking all day long in the pub, while his wife is left alone. He would like to stop, sure, but it’s hard, very hard to stop. He can’t say no.  Another man might be a womaniser, who knows he’s doing wrong in the sight of God, and indeed polite society, but cannot help himself.  A woman maybe falls in love with a guy at the office, completely in love. She knows he has a wife, but the two of them fall in love and an affair ensues – its wrong, but it happens and it happens because people are sinful, not perfect. I did not originally make Man like that. God died for sinners, My dear, not for the perfect.  God loves those humble souls who cannot help themselves and who know they are dependent on Him and trust in His mercy.

Another thing.  You seem to be under the illusion that having gay sex would somehow mean that I would stop loving you.  You seem to think that I would turn away from you and reject you outright, so terrible is the act.  Well then, if that is your view of Me, you will be of no use to Me or any man, because My thoughts are not your thoughts and My ways are not your ways. When you did that thing which you believed to be so terrible as to make Me turn My Face permanently from you, you prayed the next day, and discovered in your innermost depths that I was still there loving you, simply because you are My child, not judging you in the slightest, but welcoming you back to My Breast.

L: But Father, there is a part of me that wants to be heroic, that wants to take up the Cross and follow the Lord Jesus to Calvary and offer up everything for Him, never to sin again, never even to masturbate again however much pain I feel from the repression of my sin. For He suffered so much for my sake and when I look at the Cross now, I think to myself, ‘No. I cannot do it again. It cost too much.’

G: Well then, My son, thank Me for that desire. I put it there Myself.  But you are not that strong.  You would like to have it so. Do you not think that millions have gone before you with that holy desire, only to find that they are subject to myriad different influences that cause them to fall again and again?

L: But I can be strong, Father, I can defeat it. I have my own free will!

G: It is all Grace, child. Yes you have your free will, but I will not be surprised if you fall again. How many times must you be told? Do you think I make Saints overnight?

St Joan of Arc: Multiple voice-hearing soldieress
L: Lord, You know how much I want to be a Saint!

G: Yes, but such a desire can lead you astray. It becomes a barrier between us.  You are My child and I am your Father in Heaven. Such a holy desire is not bad in itself, but it can lead to Pride, which causes you all kinds of harm in your relationship with Me, and how you relate to other people. You are dependent on Me. All the Saints had to learn that the hard way.

L: Lord, my heart hurts.

G: Your heart has not surrendered. It will continue to hurt until you are happy with the Truth, until you are happy with your Jesus - happy with salvation.

L: But I can’t do THAT!  Even though I know You would forgive me if I did THAT again, something is stopping me – is it the Cross, is it my pride, is it my denial? My soul shirks back in horror of doing THAT, it always has and always will. The thing I truly desire, I also detest. I don’t want to do THAT again, I don’t want that guilt on my shoulders, Father, I can do without it.  Every time I have acted on my desires I know I have done something terrible in Your sight, and my guilt is extreme. I don’t want to take the forgiveness of sins for granted, I don’t want to mock my God, I don’t want to offend You in that way.

G: That is called filial love. You are My child, and like most children you don’t want to offend your Father. I appreciate that, but it doesn’t make me love you anymore. No man is worthy of My love, but I am Love.

L: Then You are too loving.

G: You can never be too loving, My child.

L: Lord Jesus, I feel like my life is one vicious circle of despair. I am like a man obsessed. I was born with an inclination to something forbidden. What a Cross!  I am naturally inclined to offend You from the very start!

G: This is My Beloved Son. Listen to Him.

And you think you are alone in all this? No, I tell you, all offend Me in some way or another. All men are sinners, even those who think they are strong and virtuous. Everyone has a weakness. You are lucky that you know what yours is. Indeed, I told you it Myself. Yes, indeed, for it was I who told you that you are gay. You were crying out for the truth, child. You needed the truth about yourself, the thing you had been running from for all of your waking life, the truth.


L: Lord, I will cry if you carry on.

G: Go ahead, I love human tears, they are evidence of My love for you and your love for Me.

L: Lord, I must have a cigarette.

G: I called you and now you know why. Write down what I say to you and publish it. I wish to make a great thing out of your book. You know you are not writing this as much as I do, it is I, Jesus, I am writing it for you. You are really not that talented a writer but I can make it Good. You haven’t even done a writing course yet.

I wish to proclaim My love for homosexuals. I love them, I do not detest them, I do not detest anybody. It is impossible for Me.

L: Lord Jesus, please write it for me.

G: You are a man of great faith, Laurence, and I LOVE YOU. You never stop looking for Me and always want to please Me. See, I even brought your little finger over to the Caps Lock – that was My inspiration to capitalise the words, I LOVE YOU.

What need have you to fear? You venerate My Holy Cross and you know why I had to come and rescue you.  I have always held you in the Palm of My Hand through good and ill, so why would I leave you now?  And here I am. What, child do you think of Me?

L: I love You, Lord, because You are so Good.

G: I am Goodness itself, Laurence. Trust Me, I am your Best Friend, not that you know it yet as well as you should. I am preparing a place for you in My Kingdom. Rejoice in that. You are worried, yes.  You are worried that your sexuality and what you may do with it is a hindrance to Me. You are in deep pain and anguish of soul and it is tearing you apart. But nothing can destroy My plans for you. I watched you that night when you went looking for a man to sleep with. I knew you would do it and I allow you to sin and fall.  That is what a true friend does, Laurence. A true friend is loyal to the end, a true friend allows the friend to be human and weak.  Since that night, you have sinned another time with a younger man, but not in the same way.  You have not truly gone “all the way” with a man. Why? It is too much for you, it is too overwhelming and, for your sensitive soul, too sinful.  If you sin you come home and stay in the shower for an hour. You are overwhelmed with guilt!  In fact, you are so overwhelmed with shame that you now don’t even go to a gay bar just to be around other people like you.

L: But, Lord, what I did was vile and wrong!

G: Yes it was wrong, but yes, I still love you. I never said you were not sinful. I want you to rejoice in your salvation. You think I was surprised? You think I was surprised you did it? You are gay, child. Not only are you gay, but also you are a highly sexed homosexual person, and if you gave yourself free reign with your passions, you would be going to gay clubs every weekend and finding a man to sin with.  But you don’t and you don’t because of Me. Because there is a strong part of you that loves Me and wants to please Me. That night, you lost control – I knew you were going to lose control because that is what people do when they feel helpless and desperate. People do sometimes lose control, especially when they set up the environment to sin. I am thinking of alcohol, child. Many people discover that they are slaves to their desires and passions and that is why I came.  This is why I had to come and die for the sins of the World, and this is why people should believe in Me. It is a fallen World, child and that is why I had to come and rescue it. By faith, you are grateful.

L: Lord, You knew it, you knew I was always gay.

G: Indeed I did. When you were a child you experimented with other children. You were too young to know any better, but even then you knew it was wrong. You knew deep down that it was not, ‘normal.’ You were a gay child and now you are a gay adult. There is nothing you can do about it. You experimented with a child when you were little. No surprise that he is also a gay man now.  You also experimented with other children. Then throughout the course of your childhood you repressed the truth about your sexuality for fear of the shame. However, latent homosexuality was obvious in all your childhood relationships and deep down you knew that too. At the age that you discovered masturbation, as many little boys do, that was when the real repression came in and that was when you decided to declare yourself, to yourself, as a normal heterosexual teenager.

L: Come and see a man who told me everything I did! [1]

G: I am the Man who knows everything about you. But be not afraid, it is only Me, your Jesus.  Your subsequent sexual relationships with girls were a pitiable sham. Even your genuine crushes with girls up until University had something of the desperate about them. You clung to them. They became for you as little obsessions. For you, growing up as a teenager until the present day, masturbation was a truly disappointing experience because you didn’t even enjoy it. It was all a lie, you were pretending to yourself that this was what really turned you on, but it wasn’t. It broke My Heart to see it.  But the cloud was always there.  Even in your dreams.  I helped you to hide, because if I had told you then, without Me, perhaps I know what you might have done.  No, you needed Me to help you.

But there was one girl who was to change all of that and that was the girl you fell in love with. The one who led you to Me - Beatrice. She brought you to your knees, My dear. She was the one who made you seek Me. You lost her. You lost her because of your selfishness, and your pride.  But most of all, you lost her because you were, are and always will be, gay.  It was an impossible dream, child. She is your Beatrice.  Only in Heaven can you ever understand that she was your redemption, because you loved her so much and knew that you had to change. Ah, that blessed day when you called out for Me in the park! Do you know that the Angels wept tears of joy as you wept when you discovered Me! But do not be mistaken, child, it was her, Beatrice, the absence in your life, the adorable Beatrice who sent you to Me as you told Me, “I don’t know how to love her! Help me!”

And I held you close when you came to me on New Year’s Eve. You railed against Me and swore at Me as I tore your playhouse down, as I destroyed your illusion, as you looked around at the boys you fancied and became furious with Me and your poor misguided self.

L: Lord, I heard Your voice yesterday after Mass, and You said to me, “How heavy do you want the Cross to be?”  And I answered You and said, “Give it to me, Lord and I will carry it! I am willing to suffer all things on account of You!”

G: Make it as heavy as you like, Laurence, and I will carry it for you. Oh, Laurence, you are in a mess aren’t you?

L: Oh, Christ.

G: When you are famous, My dear, some will love you and some will despise you. Some will despise you because you are such a poor sinner and some will despise you because you want to put all your trust and hope in Me and declare Me to be the only hope of salvation for humanity. You are indeed a wretch, but you are a wretch who believes in Me.

L: Blessed be God forever.

G: Amen.

L: Lord, indeed I am a desperate man.

G: Yes, but I love you anyway.  We are however, getting sidetracked are we not?  This book is about My love for sinners. In particular, it is about My love for you and all who are like you, all who are homosexual.  Does the World think I love some and leave others alone? Does the World think I forgive some sins, but not others? Does the World think I withhold my forgiveness from homosexuals? I love them, as I love you and all. I am compassion and love. I seek to draw all men to Myself, all who are thirsty to know they are loved by God, all those who wish to find Me and My Mercy.  Holy Mother Church will not change any rules, nor any jot of her Doctrine because the Doctrine is perfect. But all have fallen short of the Glory of God and all have sinned. All men are sinners, My darling, and not just you. It is not man’s fault that he is born a sinner and I wish to save all and bring all to the full knowledge of the Truth.

My Church is a hospital you see. It is holy because it is the place of salvation for all Mankind.  I wish to invite all sinners to become members of My Church, and through this book to invite homosexuals especially to know Me, the One True God. You will see in this book how much I love Laurence, even though he has done things in My Sight which are wrong. He knows when he has done wrong and comes to Me in prayer, and Confession and attends Mass to meet Me in the Holy Eucharist. He knows he is not worthy, but nobody is worthy of Me.

L: Lord Jesus, you explain things so much better than I ever could. I knew you would answer my prayer this morning.

G: I am the Redeemer of the whole world and My Church is the instrument of My Redemption. Man does not know about how much I love him. If only all men knew, then My Heart would be glad.

'Go on, Lord, break his leg!'
Let me introduce Laurence to you, reader. He is My gay Disciple, and I chose him before the foundation of the World. I chose him for this reason. He is a poor lost lamb. He knows not whether he is coming or going and to be honest he has always been this way. But I do love him so. He tries so desperately hard to be good, but at the end of the day he knows he is not good enough.  But then, nobody is good enough. But this is not enough for him. 

He thinks he can prove his own virtue to Me. Let me tell you this – he has none. He is arrogant, stubborn, proud, lying, completely governed by his passions and lusts, finds fault with almost everyone and everything else in the World but himself, and finds no contentment in this World at all. His life is utterly shambolic. However, I am not the kind of God who rejects His own adopted son lightly. I have never rejected him at all.

If he does a good thing, or he has a good thought, or he is chaste and refuses temptation, he thinks that he has won and gained My love. That is not how I want him to be. Do not be fooled by his false humility. He is not humble at all. In truth, however, Laurence is slowly discovering that he is not the person he thought he was. He is not good. When he finds out for himself that indeed he is not good, he takes fright, sometimes he flings himself into prayer for refuge against the storm of his own guilt, his unworthiness and his inherent evil ways.

After four years of being My Disciple he is still surprised to discover that he is bad. But I will give him this much. He believes in Me, Jesus, and believes that I can turn him into something Good. I am driving him on. However, the fact that he realises that he is bad, in all manner of ways, not just his recently discovered lust for men, means that I can help him. Deep down, Laurence knows that he needs Me.

Do you want to know what a gay man sometimes does when he finds out he is gay? He clings to the faintest hope of some rescue in the form of a marriage. Do you want to know how many girls Laurence has asked to marry him out of desperation? Two. He asked his true love to marry him only a few weeks after having told her that he was gay. Then on refusal, he waited another few months to ask a friend if she wanted to have kids and get married. This had more chance of working, as she is a special girl, very compassionate and forgiving, but really, Laurence, did you expect her to say yes?

L: Actually, yes Lord, I thought it was Your will.

G: You have just discovered you are gay, child, you think that I want you to get married the same year? Boy did you have a shock! Of course she said no! You may be 25, son, but you have the naivety of a 10-year-old. Patience! My Will for you will be made known in the fullness of time.

L: Lord, are you telling me off?

G: I rebuke you when you need it, son. You do not know how to tell yourself off, so I have to do it for you. You have never had any boundaries, there are reasons for that, but above all you are a spoilt little child who when he does not get his own way bursts into tears.

L: Is my humiliation complete?

G: No, My child there is more to come. You think the entire World revolves around you. You are a very selfish person. Do you really love? Do you really love Me? Do you really love those who I have placed around you? Do you really care about people? Do you worry about others? No. You only really care about yourself.  If you said this to your friends, if you asked them to console you about your failings, they would cover you, because they think you are lovely.  But I, Laurence, I give you the truth! I am the Truth. I am the Truth about you and in the end I am your worst nightmare.  And yet, I am also the Man who loves you. I am your God. I am Jesus. I am the Truth.

Be not afraid, Laurence. Do not be afraid of the Truth about yourself and above all do not be afraid of Me. You are not alone. I am with you. Just trust Me.

G: See, reader, what I am trying to do with My Laurence, is to bring him to his knees and worship Me as his True Love, as his God. Only broken people can worship Me as their God, only broken-hearted people can discover My love for them. I don’t blame Laurence for running away from Me, it is natural for man to run away, for fear of the Truth.

But now we are coming to the crunch. Laurence is slowly accepting what he most feared all of his life. Laurence has always been on the run from this fear: Laurence is a homosexual.  Laurence cannot bear this. This is the ultimate humiliation. He doesn’t allow himself a single rude thought about men until he gets into bed and finally gives into his desires and masturbates about Brad Pitt, which is all he can think of, because he is so ashamed that he can’t develop any more elaborate fantasies than this.  He closes his eyes and gets on with it. Am I surprised?  We all know that good Catholic boys are not meant to do such things.  Laurence is not a good Catholic boy. But come on, My dear, I cannot see any good Catholic boys, and quite a few of them masturbate too.

L: Lord, you have completely taken over my book.

G: It is not your book, child, you can be listed in the contribution section at the beginning. As with all great works of art, it is I who am the chief Artist. You will play your part. You will, however, be the sole human contributor and may earn some money out of this. You need this book to work because if it doesn’t you will have to get a real job, and then what are you going to do?

What is a good Catholic boy? It is a boy who is willing to be loved by Me and receive My Unconditional Love. In truth, there are no good Catholic boys, because boys are not good. Only God is Good.

Did you know, reader, that Laurence was going to write a gay version of St Augustine’s Confessions? St Augustine’s ‘Confessions’, Laurence? Are you a Saint? Do you have St Augustine’s contrition, his love for Me, his Beloved God? Have you given up your life of sin yet, for Me and only love for Me? Early have you loved Me, Laurence, early have you loved Me, but not as much as him, not nearly as much, not even a drop in the ocean of love he had for Me. [2]

[1] St John 4:29
[2] St Augustine’s ‘Confessions,’ “Late have I loved You, O Lord.”


Chapter 2 

G: Okay Laurence, let us begin. What are you looking at?

L: Lord, I am looking at a picture by my computer. It is a children’s picture, done in crayon from a charity Christmas card from my former place of work. It is a picture of two children next to a giant flower.

G: Is that all you see?

L: No Lord, what I see is a giant penis with sperm coming out of it.

G: Do you think everyone would see it that way?

L: No, Lord, I see it that way because I am gay.

Liverpool University Carnatic Halls Bar
G: Indeed. To most eyes it is just a giant flower, but for you, it has become something it is not. As you so aptly said, it looks like ‘a giant penis with sperm coming out of it?’ My Laurence is not a rare breed. The World is full of repressed homosexuals like Laurence. When Laurence was at University, he had a terrible time in North America, where he visited his friend with testicular cancer.

His friend’s troubles easily passed him by, though he tried his best to be there for his friend in his hour of need – he could not get past himself and his dark troubles. He was so caught up in his worries that he smoked around his friend who had cancer, knowing full well that his friend was offended by it. But I pitied poor Laurence, because he was suffering from a nervous breakdown. See, Laurence had a voice in his mind, a voice that would not go away. It was a voice that said, “I AM GAY.” No matter how hard he tried to make the voice go away it didn’t.

After a year he had managed once again to silence that voice and suppress the truth about his sexuality. But during that summer he was miserable. His misery consumed him completely. The dear child is in the habit of proving himself to himself, and now he is in the habit of proving himself to Me. It doesn’t work Laurence. But, lo and behold, the fear of the Truth still haunted Laurence. He had not laid his demons to rest at all, because as we all know, to lay your demons to rest, you have to face them. But he wasn’t facing them, he was popping his head around the corner and checking they were still there, and of course – they were.

L: Amen, Lord Jesus. Amen.

G: Ah, men indeed, My child. And you continued to run away from men for a long time after that, did you not?

L: Yes, Lord, it is the truth.

G: When young Laurence returned home he met his parents at the airport and burst into tears on arrival, his parents wondered, ‘What is the matter with our son?’

His mother gave him a letter from his beloved Beatrice. As soon as he opened it he burst into yet more tears because deep down he knew that he couldn’t have her and that it was all going to end in terrible tears and tantrums. In the same garden where he used to get up to naughty things with a friend then, My Laurence made the bold step of telling his parents that he thought he might be gay.

His parents were compassionate, but could not understand how he could be gay and have a girlfriend and be in love. Neither could Laurence and this, reader, was what drove him crazy. Gay men can have fall head over heels in love with women. However, if the man’s true identity is gay but he refuses to acknowledge it, he is likely to try and prove his heterosexuality to himself in any way he can. This is what Laurence did. He was also deeply in love. Child, what did you see on the dinner plate that day when your mother cooked your family a meal?

L: Penises, Lord. Little penises.

G: Freud was not wrong about everything, Laurence. You broke down at the dinner table and when your mother asked you what was wrong, you had to confess that you were upset because the mushrooms on the plate looked like penises and that this was what had upset your somewhat fragile sensibilities. Trying to comfort you, though not without a sense of irony, your mother remarked that, “Well, I suppose they do look like penises a bit.”

Lister Hospital, Stevenage
Of course they did child, but you were the only one at the table who got in a sweat about it. Do not get me wrong. If Laurence had been able to accept his fate then, his family would have understood then, as they do now. For I moved him to tell his mother and father recently and they have been wonderful. But at the time, still in a complete denial of the truth, Laurence sought psychiatric help for what was going on inside his brain.

He went to a hospital where he was delighted to hear the news from his psychologist that he was suffering an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. “I know its okay now, I have an obsessive compulsive disorder,” he was able to tell his parents quite gleefully. He thought that now he had a name for the annoying voice in his head that was screaming, ‘LET ME OUT, I AM GAY!’ it would all be okay.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Now, as Laurence knows, what he has is a disorder but it is not an OCD. He has a disorder of the natural sexual state. Through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, My Church teaches that homosexuality is intrinsically morally disordered. This is My Truth and it remains forever. However, My Church also teaches that masturbation is also a grave moral disorder. Look, reader, if you will at the grave moral disorders that surround you in the World. The World is full of corruption and moral disorder. In fact, you will see that My Church is absolutely correct in proclaiming Man to be gravely morally disordered. My Church, you see, is the Ark of Truth. She is not there to please the World, but to proclaim to the World the Salvation of God and the Glory of My Gospel.

In the World you will see drunkards, fornicators, thieves, murderers, lesbians, homosexuals, transsexuals, drug addicts, gamblers, prostitutes, fraudsters, gluttons, liars, flashers, sadomasochists, tyrants, religious fanatics and a great many more people with intrinsic moral disorders. The point of My Gospel is this. There is not a single human being in the World who does not bear the title of ‘sinner.’ For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. But as I told My Disciples, so I tell you, do not be afraid. I love sinners. L: Amen, Lord Jesus.

G: My child, you are the apple of My Eye. I address not only you dear Laurence, but all who will read this book. I am grounding you firmly in the truth and it will be the Truth that saves you. Did I not say, the truth will set you free? Here, touch My Pierced Side, feel the Wounds in My Hands and believe. The World stands guilty, and for all of My Laurence’s pride, he knows that before Me he stands guilty. For no man is just or pure in My Sight. Even when he has convinced himself that he is good enough, and is ready to declare himself a Saint, such is his hubris, he knows he is not. He has done too much evil. He has sinned so very mortally as to be worthy of punishment. He has committed the sin of Sodom, and a great many other sins. I have never taken My Eyes off him since the very day he was born and I never shall. My child, you are quite possibly one of the most prolific sinners I have ever seen.

L: Thank you, Jesus. Blessed be the Holy Trinity forever.

G: Dear reader, do not take fright at My words. For they are Spirit and they are Life. I did not come to condemn the World. When I was on earth and lived an earthly life, did I condemn anyone? I saved My harsh words for the Pharisees who were so blind that they judged sinners, but could not see their own guilt. I loved all.

During My Ministry on earth I revealed Myself to be the One whom My Eternal Father had sent to preach the Gospel and the Truth. I revealed the Face of My Father to the World. I revealed that God is Love. I am Love. I am your Saviour. Laurence, when you were received into My Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church, what Saints name did you choose for your Confirmation?

L: Peter, Lord.

G: So, Peter, who do you say that I am?[1]

L: You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God. G: Yes I am. Solemnly I tell you, flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father in Heaven. Indeed, flesh and blood did not reveal to you your true sexuality either. It was Me. Tell me child, when you did not know you were gay and would return home from work and cry alone in your bedroom how did you feel?

L: I felt like my whole world was ending around me, Lord, I hated everyone and judged everyone and despised You and myself. I didn’t know what to do! In desperation I prayed to You everyday to release me from my bondage. I could not stop the malice in my heart, my hate, like an albatross on my neck. Your anger weighed heavy upon me but I didn’t know why. I was a heartless hypocrite, Lord, and I knew I needed You to show me the truth. One day, I looked in my Bible and read the words written, which seemed to be speaking to me. It said, “Tell me, which of the Saints shall you pray to?” That day I went to the off-licence and saw there was a special offer on red wine, and the sign on it said that it was soon the Saint’s Day for St Jude, Patron Saint of Lost Causes. And I thought to myself, Lord, that he was the Saint for me. Because I felt like I was a lost cause, because I could not serve You well. So, I waited a couple of days before I got down on my knees and prayed to St Jude.

St Jude
G: Tell Me what you asked of My Holy Patron, St Jude, Laurence. L: I prayed to him, Lord and said, “Dear Saint Jude, I feel like I should pray to you, because you are the Patron Saint of Lost Causes. I am a lost cause. I am so miserable and wretched. I have so much hate in me and cannot serve the Lord at all. Please would you ask Jesus for me to help and heal me. Please ask him to shatter my blindness and show me what my sins are because I cannot go on like this. Grant that I may die in love with Him and Him alone. Please answer my prayer and I can rejoice with you and all of the elect in Heaven for all eternity. Amen.” G: Do you believe that he answered your prayer, Laurence?

L: Yes, Lord I believe that he answered my prayer. That evening I was enfolded in peace and love, and in many places I saw the name of Jude, which confirmed to me that he had heard me and would answer me.

G: This is the Mystery of Faith, My child. You prayed to St Jude out of desperation. You are not the first and you will not be the last. Are you grateful to St Jude? Thank him now if you wish.

L: Thank you Saint Jude, you have performed a Miracle on me. I owe my sanity to you. You are my favourite Saint because you prayed to Jesus for me and he did exactly what I asked of you. I can say with my hand on my heart, that I was blind and now I see. I know who I am and I know now that when I die I will be in love with God. I owe it all to you. Thank you.

G: Oh Judas, what have you done now? The poor child says he is blind and now sees. He doesn’t know the half of it. 

L: Lord, I showed my friend what I have written. She said she didn’t realise I was this self-obsessed. She said that if it was true that I really didn’t care about anyone else but myself then nobody would like me anymore and want to be my friend. It hurt, Lord. It hurt my heart.

G: Why child, do you think it hurt?

L: Because its true, Lord, I really am that bad. I am really this bad!

G: You are crying, child. Please don’t cry, dear. All truth hurts. No, your homosexuality is not your chief failing in My Sight. She is a good girl, Laurence because she is humble. My Grace rests on the humble. I do not love you because you are good. I LOVE YOU. Do not be afraid, child, the more you learn about yourself, the more you will learn of Me.

L: Lord, I want You more than anything else in the whole World.

G: Really child? Is it Me that you want? Is it really Me that you want? Yes, indeed it is I that you want. I hold you in My Hand all of the time and take care of you. However, deep down, you know in the depths of your stubborn heart, that you do not have Me. Yes, I can see it in your poor sunken eyes. It is Me that you want. On the outside you seem brave, assured and strong. But on the inside you are a very hollow man. Your friend is absolutely correct in her view of you. You are completely self-obsessed. When you called out for Me in that park, you told Me that You wanted to change. Four years later on, you tell Me, have you changed?

Gay Pride: Is it gay, or is just Pride?
You believe in Me and you go to Church often, you participate in the Eucharist, if you feel you have sinned you go to Confession. On the outward appearances you seem to live an upright life. You seem to all appearances to be just, kind, loving, merciful and all the things a good person should be. My Jude did indeed answer your prayer.

But now what? Are you no longer lost? You have acknowledged your sexuality. So you are gay? Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Laurence has finally admitted that he is a homosexual. Laurence has been telling all he knows that he prayed to St Jude who prayed to Me, and I told Laurence he is gay and somehow now everything is okay and Laurence is happy.

Well, reader. Let me tell you this. Laurence is not a happy bunny. And it is not just his personal conflicts with his religion and his sexuality that are to blame. Laurence is unhappy because after four whole years of believing in Me, he has not changed a bit. He knows more about his identity for sure. It is a terrible burden to live a lie based on one’s sexuality. However, deep down, Laurence knows that if he fell in love with a man and explored his sexuality and got into a relationship that this would not make him happy. Laurence, why did you call out for Me four years ago?

L: I called out for You, Lord, because I wanted to love Beatrice and put her before myself in my life, her happiness before my own, to truly know what it is like to love and cherish another person.

G: Bless you, child. I could not have put it better Myself. So, Laurence, after four years of being My Chosen Disciple, do you know what it is like to love and cherish another person?

L: No, Lord. I am a poor shell of a man.

G: Now, reader, Laurence’s own private hell revolves around this issue. For a long time now, wherever Laurence has gone I have hounded him. I have pursued him day after day. Nothing is difficult for Me, and I have been badgering him for a very long time. Something went wrong with My Laurence and it wasn’t just the denial of his homosexuality. Everywhere that he has gone, no matter how hard he has tried to flee from Me, I have been shouting at him, “Judas!” He knows it himself, but he can’t bear to hear it. If there is one taunt that can hurt a Christian it is the title of Judas.

Remember, Laurence, unlike you, dear child, I always speak the truth. Laurence has betrayed Me, he has betrayed My trust. He is utterly deluded. He thinks he loves. He is sorely mistaken. He only loves himself. This is why he feels so separated from Me and ultimately, so separated from his brothers and sisters. Judas betrayed Me in a physical act, when he took the silver as a ransom for My life, but he had already betrayed Me in his heart. I knew what was in his heart long before he took the silver. Dear Laurence, just because you have found out you are gay does not stop you being a Judas to Me.

L: Lord, I know it is the truth because it hurts so much. You arrows have sunk deep within me. After all this time, I still do not know what it means to love. What can I do? I know that my heart is hardened against You and against my fellow man. But I don’t know what to do? It is hard, Lord. What should I do? I wake up everyday and I am still the same man. I try to be good and avoid sin and try not to be evil and think well of everyone, to be a good Christian and serve You. But I know that something has gone wrong and I have indeed betrayed You. I cannot defend myself. I have no defence for having a hard heart. But it doesn’t change, Lord. I am so selfish and wretched I know. See I have been this way all of my life and simply believing in You hasn’t changed my heart. I still don’t care for others. I am still not gentle and tender like You and I still don’t love.

G: Rome was not built in a day, My love. All I am telling you is the Truth. You have so many questions, Laurence. Yet you know that I am the only Answer. You tell me that you want to know how to love. That is what you told me the first time you called on Me. And, for all of your faults, you do at least have the humility to recognise that by all standards, when it comes to love, you have been a miserable failure. For it is not only sin that causes so much pain in the World, but that people do not wish to learn how to love. When I was on Earth I told My Apostles to love one another, and by this people would know that they were My Disciples. In doing so, they would bring glory to God. Well, I have not given up on you, Laurence and I never shall, for I am telling you now, that I will never give you any rest until the day that you truly love. And yet you find it so hard to love. Why is that?

L: I think, Lord Jesus, it is because I do not really know what love is.

G: Child, I do believe you have hit the nail on the head. Not only have you hit the nail on the head, but you have hit the nail firmly into My Hands and into My Feet. I never condemn you, Laurence, it is you who condemn yourself. See reader, Laurence is painfully aware that he has utterly failed to do what I want him to do. Before I was lifted up on the Cross to suffer and die in Atonement for the sins of the World, I left My Disciples with one Great Commandment. Love your neighbour as yourself. Laurence loves himself, of that there is no doubt, but I did not mean love yourself in a crude narcissistic way. What I meant was love yourself, be gentle with yourself and respect yourself. Laurence loves himself so much that there is no room for another, or indeed, Another. Not even for Me.

L: It is true, Lord, but what to do? What to do?!

G: This is why you feel so empty on the inside and so very hollow. Do not fear this, child. You see, when I rebuke you, I do it because I love you, and when I console you, I do it because I love you. I love the way you ask Me questions and indeed you do seek My Face. You know that you have failed Me and you want My help. Let Me be your Teacher. Love is not easy. Do you think it has been easy for your parents loving you? No, it has not. I do not find it hard to love you, Laurence. But then, I am Jesus. I am God. I love everyone. Do you think that sweating blood in the Garden of Gethsemane over your soul and your many sins was easy? For you, dear one, are a man of many sins.

What of your dear parents, child? They are a very tolerant set of parents that you have. I never blame you, dear, I am only showing you the truth that you want deep down to hear. While you were at University you put your parents through deep distress. Your mother worried sick about you all of the time and so did your father. On your return from University you became a fundamentalist Christian and scared the life out of them. Once you settled down from this and I brought you into the Catholic Church then you did start to sober up a bit. However, you were hardly discreet about joining the Church because you were so wrapped up in yourself that you couldn’t give a monkey’s about how your parents felt about it all. I don’t mind zeal, Laurence, but that was silly.

Anyway, you are here now and I do mean to save you. I mean to save you from the oblivion that may be yours unless you change your life around. By which I do not mean, save you from your homosexuality or your sins, I want to save you from yourself! My dear child, you cannot love, because you only ever think of YOURSELF. I know that you cannot help it. Old habits are hard to break and this is the oldest habit of all. Do not be ashamed of Me exposing you to reality, My dear. You are not the only one. You are trapped in a maze of your own making and the only way out is Me. In the morning you wake up and turn your computer on.

The first thing you see when you turn it on is an ornate Orthodox painting of Me dying on the Cross. At the foot of the Cross, you see My Beloved Disciple, St John clasping My Feet drenched in My Precious Blood. You look at it and you think to yourself – ‘That is like me, grateful and sorry at the death of Jesus.’ Well, I tell you, you are nothing like him! I understand that because you have sinned so gravely in your life, especially with men, that you are grateful that I came for you. However, that is not the only reason that I, Jesus, came for you. In many Catholic Churches you will see a scene of the Crucifixion, with St John underneath the Cross. Sometimes you will see written, ‘He must increase, I must decrease.’

This is what I want from Laurence. Laurence, dear, you must decrease! My dear Peter, when I asked you earlier who I was you correctly replied that I am the Christ, the Son of the Living God. Indeed, I am. Do you want to know Who I really Am? I am your Conscience. Although you believe in God, you have never really believed in Me, your Conscience. Because if you really want to find Me, you are going to have to find your Conscience and live by your Conscience. If you want to be My true Disciple you will have to forget yourself and serve the needs of your neighbour.

Reader, I am only trying to help this poor soul to solve the major problems in his life. I know I sound harsh, but I do love him truly. I never said that Laurence was a great man. I said he was a man of great faith and that I love him.

G: Laurence, you know that I am very compassionate on your sins. When you fall, I know that you will come back to Me and ask Me for My forgiveness. The fact that you are gay makes no difference to Me whatsoever. I love you as you are. However, I do have a question for you. Child, do you think that having gay sex is going to make you truly happy?

L: It would make me happy for a little while, Lord, but then I think I would feel empty again

G: Now, Laurence has touched upon something quite important and has proved that he does at least have a modicum of wisdom. People say that sex makes people happy. This is very true, but it only makes people happy for a little while. The happiness gained from sex is not lasting. Indeed, My wish for Laurence is to be truly happy. Only I can give Laurence true and lasting happiness. Laurence, when I proclaimed the Beatitudes on the Mount in Israel, who did I say would be ‘blessed,’ a word that also means happy?

L: Lord, you said that those with the spirit of the poor would be happy and you said that the gentle would be happy. You also said that those who hunger and thirst for justice would be happy, as well as those who mourn and those who are persecuted for Your sake. I think you said that there were a few more people who would be happy, but I cannot remember them off-hand.

G: You do not know My Beatitudes off by heart, Laurence?

L: No, Lord. Sorry.

Brad in younger days
G: You are not the only Catholic who does not know them. You are also not the only Catholic who masturbates and thinks of Brad Pitt either. Now, Laurence the Beatitudes reflect something of My Beauty. That is why they are called the Beatitudes. They are a Guide to happiness, both in this life and the next. They point to Me who am the Way, the Truth and the Life.

All of My Gospel teachings proclaim to Mankind that the true road to happiness is to lose yourself and serve others. I told My Apostles to forget about their needs, their own desires and to care for one another. When I said to you earlier that you were a man of many questions who knew that I was the only Answer, you seemed bemused by it. ‘How can Jesus be the answer to all of my worries?’ he thought. Well, let me tell you now, dear, that you have come to the right Man.

The reason that I am the Man who is the answer to all of your ‘worries’ is that when I was on earth My only ‘worry’ was the needs and concerns of those who were in My Care. I didn’t worry about Myself. Likewise, if you are to be My true Disciple, then your main preoccupation should not be your own worries, because if you are only concerned about your worries then you are in fact only concerned about yourself. That is called selfishness.

The Christian vision is the complete opposite of selfishness. It is called selflessness. Now, reader you can see how fretful Laurence is about offending Me with his homosexuality and that in fact, his homosexuality is not My main concern with him. My main concern with Laurence is that he has admitted his failure to love and wants My Divine Help. I put it to you Laurence, that the only way you will ever be happy is if you lay down your life, sacrifice your own needs, and care for others. If you do this, then you will not be worrying about your conflict between your homosexuality and your profound faith in Me. If you do this, I promise you that you will be happy both in this life and for all eternity.

[1] St Matthew 16:15-17


Physiocrat said...

This is interesting but it is very difficult to read on screen. I would like a print-out to read at leisure. I don't suppose I am the only one.

Any chance of a pdf? 12 point Times Roman, 14 point line spacing to make it easy to read.


Matthew said...

This is very well written (better than your normal stuff), and extremely brave and very, very encouraging! Thank you.

But, why not give up on the odd Roman Catholic stuff and become Orthodox? You must know that what the RC Church's infallible magisterium has taught, has changed and changed (the chances for salvation of non-Catholics for instance); and that modern roman practice and teaching contradicts the primitive church; and that the whole notion of infallibility is philosophically problematic anyway - who says which stuff is infallible and are they infallible when they say that something is infallible?

There is another way. Holy

And you would fit right in! We are as useless and as struggling as you seem to be. Although most of us don't write half so well!

Anway, best wishes and thanks for the blog!

Joe Heim said...

Well written and thought provoking! This is a beautiful piece about unconditional love and the power of grace that brings us back to Him. I will re-read it many times when I think that all is lost. I will meditate on your dialog about Christ's love for everyone! My sincere thank you.

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