Saturday, 19 October 2013

The Ultimate Humility Test

Readers will by now know that if I were to take a humility test, I would fail. I can say that because I'm humble, you see. Have you worked out whether I am genuinely humble yet? I'm becoming enigmatic, no?

So, now that the media has either fallen under/created the spell of The Most Humble Pope Ever in Christian History TM, I have humbly devised The Ultimate Humility Test, so that readers can assess their meekness.

So...Let's begin and let us begin in all humility and simplicity.

Q1. Your company/place of work/organisation has a set of rules and regulations in place. You find yourself as an employee of this company in a very senior role. Do you,

a) Break the law? b) Abide by the law? c) Go with the 'spirit of the law' as interpreted by you no matter what your colleagues may think of it?

Q.2 Your job involves an element of public profile. You're naturally and even supernaturally shy and humble. Do you have a camera installed outside your house following you around on a car so that you can be more easily seen by others/crowds greeting you when you leave home?

a) Yes, b) No, c) Only at particular times of the year

Q.3 You work for a company that has existed for many years. At an unknown time, it came to be that, due to custom, a tradition emerged for certain clothing to be worn as hallmarks of your company/place of work. You may, for example, be used to working for a company where you have to wear a suit, like at an accountants, or as a lawyer, or as a nurse you may be required to wear white. Everyone has been wearing the same thing just like at McDonalds especially in your role. You've just got the job. Do you,

a) Wear the same clothes as the custom requires for the company in your particular role? b) Do your own thing? c) Enter into a negotiation with other colleagues on the matter and 'go with the flow'?

Q4. You know you've got humility. You know you've got ambition. You're the boss! Do you say. "I have the humility and ambition to do this/that..."

a) Regularly? b) Once? or c) Never?

Q5. Your work involves you working and living in a nice building that is prestigious and almost 'fit for a king'. You are embarrassed by this because it is grand and you feel this runs contrary to the ethos of your company, an ethos you agree with. Do you,

a) Move into the palace next door that is called a Hotel, while taking up a whole floor which would hitherto have been used by others of less noble rank? b) Stick with what your predecessors have done because it comes with the job, and in so doing, not draw particular attention to yourself? c) Resign and become a hobo and live with the alcoholic tramps on the outskirts of your particular district?

Q.6 The previous manager of your company promoted a particular ethos. Colleagues had become familiar with his (or her) style, manner and focus. Careful, discerning and wise, the previous manager laid foundations for you which would be easy to fit into, as comfortably as slippers, with regard to the message your company wanted to convey to the general public. Do you,

a) Tear up the rule book and say, 'Let's start again from scratch and reform everything in sight, even if there's no particular problem there,' b) Continue building on the legacy of your predecessor while introducing aspects of your own personal style incrementally, or c) Bring in the enemies of your predecessor to advise you regularly on how to go ahead to the horror of his supporters who you then alienate.

Q.7 You are given a company car as a part of your job package. You are astonished by the generosity of the company. Do you,

a) Reject it out of hand because you are too simple, humble and don't drive, b) Accept it with grace, c) Order an older, more humble vehicle to be driven around in because it looks more humble and that's your kind of thing, while ensuring everyone sees you in the 'new car'.

Q8. Part of your company's work is to do charitable service in the community. When you perform some charitable work do you,

a) Keep silent and do it secretly telling those who have witnessed it, 'Listen up. You've seen nothing, right? Got me?, b) Allow your colleagues and officials to publicise it on a daily basis in the local news and then international press the day after or even the same day as the event, c) Order a team to publicise it on a daily basis in the local news and then international press the day after or even the same day as the event because this is great publicity and you're loving it, they're loving it and that's just grand.

Q9. A dispute has arisen in one division of your company. In a particular team, a small minority of workers hate the way things happen. The majority like the operational procedures introduced under your predecessor. In order to bring peace to the division do you,

a) Side with the small minority and ban the operational procedure loved by the majority while appointing a new chief whose philosophy is antagonistic to the majority of workers? b) Introduce negotiations between the fractured parties to arrange a compromise? or c) Put it to a vote within the divided community.

Q10. For centuries now, your company/organisation has been promoting a particular message to all customers/service users, one that your staff are familiar with. It's a brand message that people associate with the company/organisation and your workers suffer no confusion as to the message. Profits are at stake and this message has never failed to yield good results. As manager of the organisation do you,

a) Divide the staff and radically overhaul the message and tell your staff that those who believed the traditional message are just being 'obsessed', thereby leaving them deflated and rudderless, b) Support those who have worked tirelessly for the company/organisation in their endeavours, confirming them, but suggest other options they may also want to consider as well or c) keep silence on the previous message because you've worked out that now its divisive.

Q11. You have inherited a great responsibility for a huge team of staff. Certain new practices have been developed over the past half-century that many staff are still not happy with in the company/organisation, though some like these new methods. You know you're governing a big ship, with many different people in a diverse company/organisation. Do you name call or insult one community of your staff,

a) Monthly, b) Weekly or c) Never

Q12. Some staff get together to bring you a bouquet as an offering of their love and support of you in your responsibility and care for them. Do you,

a) Accept the bouquet graciously, b) Reject the bouquet or c) Accept the bouquet but tell other members of staff you couldn't believe that the staff who gave you the gift went to such effort to count how many flowers were in the bouquet and all have a good chuckle at their expense, which then gets fed into the press, so they hear about it.

Q13.  Many people are at your service in your role in your company. In an interview with a publication do you,

a) Thank them for their hard work, b) Thank them for their hard work while suggesting that the company needs restructuring or c) Suggest their presence is a form of leprosy.

Q.14 A concert/musical event/party is put on in your honour for your hard work in your company/organisation. Do you,

a) Send an RSVP thanking those who have put it on, while apologising that you unfortunately cannot attend? b) Go out of duty and respect for those who have thought of such a kindness in your regard, or c) Fail to turn up leaving your guests and performers stunned by your absence from an empty chair that is emblazoned on tomorrow's headlines while rumours abound that you have said that you are basically too humble, simple and modest for all that kind of rubbish.

There are no answers to this The Ultimate Humility Test, because, quite frankly, who am I to judge anyway?


Lynda said...

I'm one of the most humble persons you could ever be privileged to meet.

Elizabeth said...

Bingo. Thanks for the sad chuckle.

Deacon Augustine said...

Its time for all this anti-humble bigotry to stop and for all us humble people to take to the streets in support of the chief humbleman. We will call it a "Humble Pride" parade.

Andrew said...


Pope Francis Jr. said...

I took the test and am proud to say that in my own estimation I am very humble.

Martina Katholik said...


Anonymous said...

With people like Cass Sunstein around (the one who chillingly boasted of the so-called 'Vatican Spring' last year), and his apostate wife Samantha Power now recently appointed US Ambassador to the UN, it is hardly surprising that the Washington Post will continue to perpetuate this false persona that surrounds the person of the pope i.e. the myth of Francis' humility, holiness etc.

In fact, we should expect the secular media to be actively engaged in grooming the world in this perception as Francis (unwittingly, we hope) imparts that kiss which begins the Church's passion.

Celia said...

Not for the first time in the last few months you made me laugh out loud at something that usually induces grinding of teeth.Thank you.

In relation perhaps to Q10, I had lunch with a non-religious friend the other day who congratulated me on the fact that 'your Church' will now allow priests to marry and no longer expects us to believe in Purgatory. Eh? 'Well, I'm sure I read pope Francis said that'. Sigh.

Anonymous said...


I hope everyone appreciates your use of 'frankly..'

Dr. Mabuse said...

I'll have a slice of that Humble Pride, Deacon Augustine. A la mode!

Physiocrat said...

Naughty Laurence!

Siobhan said...

"In fact, we should expect the secular media to be actively engaged in grooming the world in this perception as Francis (unwittingly, we hope) imparts that kiss which begins the Church's passion."

Martha said...

I take Pope Francis` description of himself as "humble" on one occasion, to mean something like "ordinary' and "in tune with the man in the street."
It doesn`t come across to me as any kind of parade of great virtue.
In any case true humility is acknowledging one`s own strengths and weaknesses realistically, they are all God given anyway, without either undue pride or false humility.

Physiocrat said...

Pope Uriah? Or Pope Obadiah?

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