Gay Nature Watch: Is Titchmarsh Next?

Concern at lack of 'gay' coverage in Gardener's World

The Telegraph today reports on the shocking omission of 'gay behaviour' in animals featured on David Attenborough's documentaries for BBC such as 'Africa', 'Blue Planet' and Attenborough's one-off special on humanity's interaction with the planet, the stunningly photographed, 'Die, Humans, Die!'.

Animals, however, are not the only 'species' that could come in for attention from the boffins with the active 'gaydars' working round the clock at the University of East Anglia.

Alan Titchmarsh, otherwise known as 'That Nice Alan Titchmarsh', is said to be "unflappably, indeed, affably concerned" that his own coverage of the plant world and horticulture could come in for close attention from the UEA, the University which was responsible for gathering the chief source of data on climate change, only to be discovered years later for falsifying the climate trends shamelessly.

The BBC, already chastened by reports that 'gay animals and insects' have not been highlighted enough in Attenborough's documentaries, are concerned not only that gay galaxies and queer constellations have not been explored enough by Professor Brian Cox, but that the diversity of sexual orientation in the plant world has been under-represented by Titchmarsh.

Narcissus 'Tete a Tete': A bit gay, or not quite gay enough?

A spokesperson for the BBC, who said he would rather not be named, commented,

"Look, we've been propagandising the British public on homosexuality for years, but this is getting a bit much. We placed homosexual characters in soaps quite deliberately to loosen up public attitudes to homosexuality and, by employing a veritable army of homosexuals and lesbians, we've been pretty much scorning the traditional family for a half a century.

"If Cameron wants to thank anyone over getting 'gay marriage' through without the doors of Parliament getting smashed in by the general public he can thank us before anyone else. But there's a line - that line is the plant world - and as far as I know, reproduction is what plants are interested in - not gay sex. This madness has to stop!"

Brits will be shocked a Robin has 'come out' of the bushes

Gay behaviour researchers at the Department of Horticulture at the UEA, however, will not be silenced and a team working on 'the queering of data' in the world of horticulture are already said to be building up a considerable dossier on the gay behaviour found in not only British plants loved by everyone in the country, but also the garden Robin, the Christmas card poster boy who researchers claim has been living a double life since the time of Queen Victoria.

"It's true," claimed Professor Roger A. Roger, of the UEA, "The Brits favourite garden bird is very gay. I saw one come out recently. It had, until then, been hiding in some bushes."

Flamboyant and exotic: More gay plants?

Gay plant sceptics, otherwise known as 'deniers', are queuing up to offer criticism of the UEA's research, claiming that there exists an inherent bias towards 'queering the plantworld' even to the point when such evidence of homosexuality in plants is so small as to be non-existent.

One sceptic, who wished to remain anonymous in case gay activists urinate in his letterbox, said, "We can take a plant that seems gay, like gladioli, but just because it is gay on outward appearance, it is not possible to assert that this plant is actually gay.

"In fact, these researchers are only accusing, I suspect, these plants of being gay because Elton John spends £240,000 on them a week. Plants can't be gay by association. They're either gay or they're not. These plants, like many, many others, are perfectly normal in their reproductive methods. There is no reason to suggest they are anything otherwise. While there is evidence for 'self-seeding' or even a measure ofasexuality in plants, to call any plant homosexual seems to me rather odd. I guess this is what we call nature's law."

Gay rights campaigners, however, were horrified to learn of the use of the term "normal" in relation to sexuality in the plant world, however, and are offering a reward of £1.2 million just to find the identity of the person who used the phrase, so that he can be hounded on Twitter until he has a nervous breakdown due to 24-hour-a day harassment and online bullying.

Despite mixed feelings and a heated debate over the sexuality of plants, David Cameron has already announced a new consultation to be undertaken in response to the Government's new plan to redefine the entire plant world according to sexual orientation. Already, a rebellion by Tory backbenchers is blossoming and one backbencher boasted that he believes that the Prime Minister is secretly "soiling himself" at the prospect of yet another rebellion with his ranks.

"All the bark chippings in the World are not going to put down the weeds of this blooming rebellion," he remarked, "If this pansy of a Prime Minister thinks he can redefine my garden plants, he's going to have a perennial problem from his own party and its membership. The fushia of the Conservative Party is in not going to be a bed of roses. Indeed, we're sick of this Brussels sprout to the back teeth anyway! By the time he's done, the entire country will be a canker-infested orchard.

"And anyway, what's he actually doing about the borders! For a long time now, his party have been wondering exactly what kind of garden path Mr Cameron is taking us down. As far as I can see its a thicket and, in time, he might find himself the subject of a measure of pruning. This is not a poplar move at all. This country is already a hanging basket case. If he carries on like this, at the next election this slug of a party leader will have made the party so unelectable it will be absolute quince. If I were a Churchman, I'd suggest that in the next life, Mr Cameron could see a red hot poker or three. The people don't have thyme for this and it is definitely not sage! Mr Cameron, yew will not get away with this!"