Christ the Consoler Statue and Black Victorian Cope for Sale at Snoopers Paradise

Snoopers Paradise: Second-hand tat sellers (not like the Open Market)

I came up with a script to aid my selling of a rather splendid Victorian black cope and a handless Christ the Consoler statue. I wanted to film it but was, perhaps unsurprisingly, not given permission to film inside Snoopers Paradise by the shop manager. So far I have had no word back from my suggestion that I act as a go-between for them for religious objects of devotion and the Catholic community at large.

It starts out as a spoof of Michael Voris's Vortex presentations on the Catholic Faith but ends up going a bit mental. Shame I was unable to film it. I (for one) would have found it amusing to get down on camera...Spoilsports! It would have been free publicity for their store as well...

"Hi, I’m Laurence England and welcome to The Cortex [twirls index finger around head], where lies and falsehood are trapped, exposed and injected into the brains of heretical corpses, whose heads are even more full of mush now…than they were when they were alive!

Today, a Bishop has shocked the Catholic community by saying that…Oh, I'm bored of bad news about the bishops…Let’s go shopping instead! You join me outside Snoopers Paradise, Brighton’s premier traders of local second hand goods, the kind of goods Brighton and Hove City Council call junk when its for sale at the open market ran by poor people. This is the trendy area of Brighton, so its different!

Somehow, I don’t think the Council will be knocking this building down because the traders aren’t working class. Still, let us be thankful, at least, for that, because at least they recognise that, when people who aren’t poor are selling stuff, that it isn’t junk. Just ask Mr Luzar of Luzar Vestments, who sells traditional and used, as well as those modern sacred vestments!

Readers. Three days ago, I was just a bum. Today, I’m probably, if not the most important antique dealers in the United Kingdom, then I’m one of them. Why? Because I give devout homes to objects of pious devotion that, scandalously, remain unloved in fleamarkets in Brighton and beyond. Firstly I would like to thank Nick Clegg and David Cameron, who have released the entrepreneurial spirit across the length and breadth of the country. Students! Don’t riot! Sell stuff instead!

However, be warned, readers, that the footage you are about to see may shock you, may disturb you, may indeed, horrify you. The awful truth is that religious objects remain alone, unloved, sitting in marketplaces across this country, once called Our Lady’s Dowry. Some viewers may find the following scenes upsetting...

Let’s go inside and investigate!"

[Walk over to religious stall]

"Behold readers, a black cope, of the Victorian era. A little frayed at the top but really rather beautiful. Perfect for that Requiem Mass in the Extraordinary Form. Here, to our left, we have….

Readers! It’s a Miracle! This statue of Christ the Consoler is crying!"

[Bend knees]

 "O Lord, I thank thee that Thou hast chosen me to be witness to this Miracle. I am not worthy, a poor sinner in Thy sight. Lord! Tell us, Lord, why are You crying?

Yes…yes…He says that He is crying because he is languishing in this flea market and belongs in a Catholic home, most favourably that of a Priest.

O Lord! Why do You favour a Priest?

Uh-huh…yes…He says because as you will see He has no hands on Earth but for the hands of Priests, without whom bread and wine would never become His Precious Body and Blood. But, Lord, why have You no hands? Was it modernists, Lord? Was it pagans? Was it vile protestants? Was it those Vatican II church wreaking modernist types?

 Uh-huh, yes, yes, uh-huh. Got it! He says it is not important but that the Priest that buys him will always recall that the Lord has no hands on earth but for those of His Priests. Not only that, but the Priest that buys Him shall enjoy a Happy Death and only spend 4 days in Purgatory.

Readers, read the fine print of this contract because it is said that to the Lord a day is like a thousand years.

Uh-huh, yes, yes, yes, yes, uh-huh, got it, yes, yes, uh-huh. Great!

He said he wants £500,000 and for this statue and for half of the money to go to the Building Restoration Fund of St Mary Magdalen’s Church, and for me, His humble instrument, to have the other half. 

Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay. Okay, Lord. He told me not to fib. He said £50. Well, readers, especially Priests, I would take those words very seriously because obviously I believe they came for Our Blessed Lord and if I believe it, then hey! It must be true! I'm off to Medjugorje to meet Marija, Vassula and other go-betweens between the Lord and humanity!

I’m Laurence England and I’m contacting the CDF straightaway about this stunning flea market private and yet public revelation and may God bless you. Buy, buy, buy!"

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