Lamentations

Today has been Ash Wednesday, so obviously the majority of the day I spent in Churchill Square publicly lamenting and wailing on account of my sins, saying...

"Oh lament! Oh lament! Oh let Top Shop fall on me, Oh let Primark go under! Oh let the streets be flooded with migrant workers selling ethnic scarves, 3 for the price of 2! That's right, 3 for the price of 2!"

Winks at migrant worker for a pre-arranged cut of the profits of bellowing advertisement.

"Oh behold my poverty! Oh behold, Western Road and her vacant Woolworths! Oh let Western Road's shops remain vacant, for we Lord, we have sinned! Order a fast! Oh, woe is me! Can't you see I'm fasting, O Brighton!? Oblations and libations! Oblations and libations!"

Dips into a mega-size pack of Monster Munch.

" I haven't eaten all day, look!! I'm wasting away! It's a wonder I've still got hair or teeth! It's a wonder I have fingernails! Oh lament! Relent Lord and show mercy! Oh the hunger pains!"

Reaches into family-sized KFC bucket for another bite of fried chicken, cleverly tucked away.

"Now where was I? Oh yes, O Lament! Lament! I'd urge you all to do penance, oh yes! Like me!"

A little child approaches offering a prawn sandwich.

"Begone, thou vile fiend! Nothing shall pass my lips today, I tell thee! Nothing! I'm lamenting and wailing. Oh the weeping and the mourning! Oh holy joy!

Dabs eyes with Evian.

"Look, look at my weeping! O salvation, oblations and libations! Oh, behold Brighton, my dustiness. I am dustier than Dusty Springfield singing about dust in a desert of dust before the face of our God! Oh I am overcome by my dustiness and I lament!

Reaches into 500g bag of Maltesers, cleverly tucked away.

"O so much fasting! It's a wonder I'm not dead! Yes, brothers, yes sisters, lament like me, repent! O Lord, have mercy, and relent!"

Elderly tramp approaches seeking alms.

"What do you want?! Can't you see I'm too busy lamenting, get away from me you old crone...I mean...Look everybody, I just want you to know I'm giving money to the poor! Yes! Lament! It's Lent! Repent! It's Lent! All our credit is spent! It's Lent! Half of Brighton is bent! That's right, it's Lent!"

Passers-by shout, "Go away you old hypocrite!"

"Oh yes! Oh that's just fine and dandy that is! Here I am pleading to the Lord with tears and fasting on your behalf and that's all the thanks I get! Well, a prophet is never accepted in his own shopping mall...typical!"

A friend approaches...

"Alright, Loz, you got time for a pint?"

"Yeah, go on why not."

"You had a good day?"

"Yeah, you know, same old, same old. Ash Wednesday, isn't it, so been lamenting, wailing and fasting mostly."

"Nice one. Guinness yeah?"

"Yeah, nice one, I'll get the next round."

"You need to get a job, mate."

"Yeah, hopefully something will come up soon."