British Values: Lesson One

In the wake of 'hardcore Islamist takeover of British schools', Michael Gove has insisted that from now on 'British values' will be taught to all children. There we were wondering whether we had any left, but I have thought of a few simple values that remain quintessentially British, for those who simply don't do things the British way.

If you are in any way 'foreign' to the British values system, don't worry, these will be easy to learn and to remember...

British Value 1: A nice cup of tea 

Violence and extremism are not welcome here in Britain. We find that most arguments can be settled over a nice cup of tea - including heated debate - not of course that we welcome religious debates. In fact, if truth be told, we don't talk about politics and religion unless we are absolutely certain that we are in company of persons that welcome our private view. So you might consider talking about such things as politics at the Conservative or Labour club, or religion at your particular church or religious gathering. Now, I want you to repeat after me, 'A cup of tea will solve everything'. Have you got that? If someone asks you whether you would like a cup of tea, say, "It would be rude not to", in a jocular manner. If you see anyone you know in distress, tell them, "I'll put the kettle on. I think this calls for a nice cup of tea."

An abberation

British Values 2: A stiff upper lip

The mass media will tell you that years of propaganda has made women more like men and men more like women, but British resolve remains indomitable that the male gender in the populace do not wear their emotions on their sleeves. You will notice that there are prominent exceptions to this rule, but they remain exceptions. During one world cup a man cried publicly and the nation never forgot it. That's how unusual it is.

You may be from a country where human emotions such as sadness, great joy (not that British people are truly joyful in the common sense of the word) or anger are encouraged to be expressed publicly. With exceptions, this is the British way. When at a funeral, it is best advised not to weep and wail over a coffin as you may have seen back home in your own country, but to instead keep a quiet and dignified reserve. Steel yourself, then in private you can do your mourning, but even then, keep it sensible and reserved. Whatever you do, don't embarrass yourself and others or make others feel uncomfortable by your emotional state, whatever it is. People will only offer you tea.

We have an innate sense of decency. It is indecent to sleep in doorways...

British Values 3: Learning the sense of "fair play"

In this country, by now you may have discovered that you can abort a human being from anytime between one and twenty four weeks in the womb, or even up to birth if the child is malformed or disabled. You may also have a relative looked after by local authorities in what we call a 'care home', horrified by what you deem to be a near total lack of care. Despite this, here in Britain we have a sense of decency unrivalled among any other nation. When, on those small number of occasions in which you meet injustice, say, for instance, when you are deported for not being British enough, simply keep your calm and say, quite insistently, "That's really not on!" The British person will realise then that you really are becoming British and there is every chance your deportation order may yet be cancelled.

Similarly, while equality legislation, feminism and other various forms of ideology have become deep rooted in British life, we still honour those who uphold standard British values of decency. If you see a pregnant woman who needs a seat on the Tube, it would be crude and dastardly to convince her that the life in her womb really is a living human being.

That said, it would be only right to offer her your seat and she will be thankful that you have. The same would go for an elderly person, though once they are left alone and neglected in a care home, or in a place of isolation, it is best not to bother them. After all, the British motto is 'Musn't grumble', so if you are in any way suffering and someone asks you how you are, simply say, "Oh! Musn't grumble!"

To recap then...

In this the first stage of our curriculum for learning British values, I believe we have shown you some important steps in becoming British. Remember, there is nothing that cannot be solved by having a nice cup of tea. Keep a stiff upper lip and remember to behave with a sense of fair play. We will, in our next session examine garden centres, how to talk about the weather, especially if it is clammy, humid or close, as well as teaching you how to say "hello" when on a stroll in the countryside.

We used to have a different culture in which there were acceptable norms about such matters as sex before marriage, cohabitation, the definition of marriage, gender roles, the acceptability or unacceptability of suicide, divorce, remarriage, family breakdown, illegitimacy, public modesty in dress, pornography, integrity in public life, adultery, drug use, homosexuality, mass immigration to replace a child-unfriendly population and other things that may be far less common in your home country, but through years of State-based education, wall-to-wall propaganda through the BBC and other forms of mass media, the country is nearly unrecognisable from even 50 years ago, thanks to the wholesale destruction of its Christian roots, but remember, destroying the values of the British is the Government's job. Don't come over here with your foreign ways imposing your values on us!