Exclusive! Obama's Copenhagen Summit Speech!

Obama set to reveal that aliens have been in contact with NASA

President Obama: "Leaders of the World, delegates, pseudo-climatologists and sycophants, it gives me great pleasure to stand before you today here at Copenhagen, a city know for its...Err...Does that say pasties? Anyway, whatever its famous for, we meet here to unite at a time when Planet Earth is under threat from flood, climate-sceptic pests and the disease of Catholicism, Pro-Lifers and conservatives in general. I come to you, as usual, in great humilty, cloaking supreme arrogance. We unite here today to save this dear Planet, my global comrades, from the great threat of global warming, which threatens to devour, if not us, then future generations. To my African comrades who I love dearly, even though I'm sending Planned Parenthood into your countries as I speak, in order to kill your babies, I'm glad that you rejoice in the fact that I am the first black president of the World, I mean, the USA. I'm glad I'm president too and as usual, I'd like to thank my sponsors, the Rockerfeller organisations, George Soros, the Rothschild family, JP Morgan and various large corporations, energy companies and media moguls who have helped to make my life the ultimate Kenyan Communist, I mean, sorry, American, dream.

Of course the concerns over global warming are pressing and that is why we are all here today. But, perhaps it will surprise many of you here today to learn of a new and startling threat to Mother Earth, of which we were largely unaware and of which I was, until very recently unable to speak. The World is under threat from global sea rises, but also, astonishingly, aliens as well. It is my solemn duty as your President, I mean, President of the United States of America, to inform you and via you, the World by TV, that aliens exist and have made contact with us. NASA just told me about ten hours ago.

However, as usual, there is hope. Allah Akhbar. The aliens have made contact with NASA, but say that they come in peace. They called them by telephone recently and said, "Earthlings, take us to your leader, for we come in peace." Nobody else was on hand, so naturally, I thought I'd step in and was then given the call about ten hours ago to talk to them. They are from the Planet Obamaton, another Planet existing somewhere in the Universe. They told me that although they come in peace, there are other aliens from another Planet, Planet Chrystyan, who do not come in peace. These bad aliens seek to destroy us, but the good aliens, who have UFOs or spaceships, as we call them, want to join us in battle against the bad aliens. They also promise to share their esoteric wisdom with us Earthlings. They have a religion of peace, like me, and they too congratulated me on my recent Nobel peace prize, which I accepted very humbly, being the great testimony to patience, long-suffering and non-violence that I am, while fighting war on two, oh sorry, three fronts.

With me as leader of the World, facing a situation akin to that faced by the President in the Will Smith blockbuster hollywood movie, 'Independence Day', I call upon you all, and all of you Earthlings at home to place your trust in me. These good aliens will show us the way of peace and share with us their new religion, which is low-carbon, because apparently their spaceships run on an altogether different fuel which is environmentally-friendly. They will help us to lower the sea-levels, end famine and share everything with each other by compulsion. I know that in placing your trust in me, your messenger, or your saviour perhaps at this great and dire hour for Planet Earth, that I will not let you down, nor your hopes, nor those of your children, nor those of your children's children, nor theirs. This is the hour at which humanity arises to unite together against a common enemy, with the help of benevolent alien creatures. Together I know we can do it, so make me the World Leader and I will save you from catastrophe. I'd now like to introduce to the floor, Ed Millipede.

Over to you, David. Oh, no, wait...you can clap now...Go on, we've got time. Let's see if we can make it last an hour or two, until my legs get tired. Oh, by the way, the aliens said you've all got to be micro-chipped. Don't worry, we've already got it ready to be rolled out. It will help you to buy and sell more easily without pesky cash. It will have your health records and all that bollocks on it as well. Take the chip and you'll be fine. But if you don't, then...Well anyway, that's enough for now...Everybody, the UK Climate Change Minister, the Rt Hon Mr Ed Millimetre!"

David Miliband: "Err...I...Really?!"