It Must be the Postal Strike...

How many applicants for EU Presidency are there? I hope that the post fulfills the equal opportunity legislation...

Well, I'm still unemployed as you probably guessed, but, determined to better myself and get a job, I've applied for the EU Presidency. I don't know if this sounds a bit audacious, but as far as I know, if you don't try, you don't get, right? Fortune favours the brave, right!?

I know I'm not as qualified in international war, sorry, I mean, international relations, as Tony Blair, but, you know, the last few years I've been to Rome, Assisi, Venice, Barcelona, Seville, Morocco and, of course, I've been on a day trip to Dieppe as well, once or twice. I even spoke a bit of french there. When I was little my mum and dad took me to Switzerland and Camping Cala-Go-Go in Spain I think, or was it France. Oh well, they're all foreign places so they're all the same aren't they? All in all, I'm something of a Europhile.

I don't know how many applicatations the EU has had, but, from what I know of EU legislation, equal opportunities are a big thing. So how come, when I type 'EU President' into Google Images, all I get is loads of pictures of Tony Blair. Honestly, it is almost as if he's got the job already! That said, I know to the EU, equal opportunities is important and its vital that there is a level playing field in getting this EU President job. For instance, the LGBT community might be upset if a transgendered/big gay man/lesbian lady/bisexual was not considered. So, on my application I bigged up my sexual history, saying that basically, after a bottle of wine or two, I am anybody's. I think that will help my cause no end...

In my application I stressed that I was an outside contender but that I would be fresh blood in the European leviathan, sorry democracy, that I would be tough on expenses and tough on the causes of expenses. I think now that Metro has reported that Sarkosy's shower alone cost the EU £250,000, they might want to have a crack down on the gravy train mentality and I'd be the man to cut costs.

Also, I mentioned that having never been involved in a massive illegal war and sanctioned the dropping of huge bombs on vast swathes of a soverign nation on a misleading premise of WMDs, I might be considered reliable on the world stage. You know, an unknown quantity, but not tainted by a bloody war which destroyed my credibility on home soil and integrity in the eyes of both God and man.

I made a big thing of my Catholicism, like Tony does, but suggested in my application that I was more sincere in the pursuit of my faith because I would never have voted to have unborn babies killed in the womb at any stage. Also, I stressed that while I am a poor sinner seeking the mercy of God, I thought that the whole gay civil partnership was something of a black mark on Blairs premiership in the UK since it seems to have the effect of corroding respect from true marriage between one man and one woman and presents to the world a new kind of family which is destructive for children adopted into it, the institution of the family and society as a whole.

I mentioned that I can do accounts as well, which I know will go down well, what with all those expenses claims for hotels, the massive security bill and flights around the World telling people about man-made global warming (sorry, climate change). I told them that, having nearly completed a Pitman Training Centre program in Brighton in basic accounting, that I could save them loads of money by totting up my own expenses so they wouldn't have to hire a book-keeper on my behalf. I also stated my experience in gardening so I could save them a few bob or two as well, since, should I become successful in my bid for the EU Presidency, I will do my own gardening on my vast tract of land.

I know how much the EU cares for the poor so I drew attention to the fact I help out every now and then on the soup run in Brighton. The EU, with that vast wealth and all that money swimming around the corridors of power are dying to set up facilities to help the very poorest in societies all around Europe. This is reflected in the kind of policies that emanate from Europe such as the standard correct shape of pickled gherkins. These are important matters and you can't help European peoples until there is a uniform shape and size of food stuffs. Everyone with sense knows that.

I'm yet to hear back...It must be the postal strike.