Well, as usual it has been an interesting Sunday. Having attended Mass and received Communion (though ever unworthy, I did go to Confession yesterday) I spent much of the day talking in pubs. "So what is new?" I hear the Court of Heaven crying. Well, something is. Something is new. I had a conversation with a brother parishioner and friend who I shall call Nicholas, because that is his name.
We talked at length about a great many things, amongst which cropped my sexuality and what I think will really make me happy. I explained to him my unhappy situation of being a man attracted to females but who also has the time-bomb of homosexual attraction just waiting to go off at any moment, which recently it has, albeit with my free, wilful and deliberate consent, which makes it even more mortally sinful. Thank God for the Sacrament of Penance. It isn't easy being a modern day Wilde. Suffice to say I was frank with him. Many gay men in Brighton are quite happy with their sexuality. I am not, never have been and never will be. Yet, it is not just my sexuality about which I feel most uncomfortable...its my life.
I have just turned 31. I could quite easily slip into a gay relationship and live 'happily' ever after. Deep down however, I know that no man can make me happy neither in this life nor the life to come other than Christ Himself. The only thing that makes us truly happy is God and His teachings as given us by Holy Mother Church and if you watch Bishop Fulton Sheen's talks on Love you will know what I mean. I am a self-centred person and live my life in Brighton following my own selfish pursuits. Deep down I know I don’t want that. I want to know what it really means to love.
I cannot really explain what happened next, however after our discussion I decided to pray in the Church (I have a key to the Church, being the Book-keeper of the Church, as I am). I went in and began to pray before the Tabernacle on my knees and though I may have by this point drank more than my fair share, I wept many, many, many tears and ended up by prostrating myself before the Altar of God still weeping. I then went to the Lady Chapel and wept more crying out "O Blessed Mother!" I wept so many tears that my body has not yet fully recovered. All I can say is it is the only time in my life in which I felt ready to die.
"What is this about?" I hear you, and the Court of Heaven cry. Well firstly this is about the Mercy of God who loves poor sinners like me. It is about repentance and it is about amendment of one's life. I shall not divulge fully what the outcome of my conversation with Nicholas was, but I shall tell you there was an outcome. I know now what I must do and where I must go. I know what I must do and I know that it shall not be easy. But then the course of true love never did run smooth. All I shall say, is that true love does not seek self. I have a chance to leave Brighton, to move to another town and live for just one other person.
I then returned home having bought a beggar some food and a beer. Nobody else had thought to do that, which is strange in a town so 'friendly' as Brighton. What with having drunk a bottle of wine myself today, who am I to begrudge him a beer? When I got home I watched a program on TV called 'It's MY Life'. In it a debate took place with a Muslim, a Catholic Priest, a gay Anglican Clergyman, a Hindu and an Atheist. Much of the conversation was about homosexuality primarily because an Anglican vicar pronounced himself the 'gay' vicar. The conversation was so very tedious and missed the point precisely. The point, if you choose to believe it, is above and even the Catholic Priest failed to make it with great conviction. God loves sinners and thirsts for us who though often entangled in mortal sin, deep down, thirst for Him. He also wants us to learn from Him because He is meek and humble of heart, so that patiently, gradually we may start to love as He loves and the great challenge is this: Love does not seek self. As St Francis said, "Let us begin to serve the Lord God, for up to now, we have made little or no progress."
I read your account with great sympathy. Please be assured of my prayers at this difficult time - I am just along the coast from you. At the risk of sounding over-pious, it is my experience that, if I ask Our Lady for help, she always, always sends some - though not always what I expect! So I am absolutely sure that she will send help for you too. God bless.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I shall for you too. Do you have a blog? Worthing or Eastbourne?
ReplyDeleteIt is a great thing to have a firm purpose of amendment, as we used to call it in the old days. Feelings of remorse are one thing. Repentance is another.
ReplyDeleteEven so, we can still fall along the way, so it doesn't do to become discouraged. Christ, who is without sin, fell under the weight of his cross.
We are all prey to different temptations. It is not easy to rise above human nature. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try ! I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. It isn't meant to be.
With a prayer.
Eastbourne. No, I don't have a blog, though I'm sometimes tempted to begin one. I think I'd get myself into too much trouble though! Not to mention I wouldn't really have time.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your prayer for me - always greatly needed.
Thank you Peter.
ReplyDeleteYou need a good spiritual director and a rule of life, have you thought about Opus Dei?
ReplyDeleteI have a good Priest. I have good friends. Thank you for your advice.
ReplyDeleteI was very moved by your post & have prayed for you several times. I suffered from a bad depressive episode some years ago & basically was deperate for help. I prayed with all my soul & then the strangest thing happened. I was in a fairly busy place & suddenly everything went quiet around me and there was brilliant light. Instantly, I felt all my unhappiness was taken away from me & I was filled with happiness. I know my prayers were answered.
ReplyDeleteI wish you well in your new venture & hope it brings you happiness. Just don't forget your old friends. Although you are never alone with God by your side. After my experience, I concentrated on just giving all my love to God and this was all I needed.