Chapter 7 

Telephones in the good old days
G: What have you just done?

L: I came back from Mass and I called Beatrice, Lord.

G: Why did you do that?

L: I don’t know. I am furious with myself. Why did I go and do that?

G: You did it because you still love her and you miss her.

L: Well it was a foolish, stupid thing to do.

G: No, it wasn’t. But you must let the girl go. Your future is in My Hands and I have a Path laid out for you. Pray for her. Pray for her happiness and well-being. Pray that her life will be full of peace and joy.

L: Oh! Why did I do that!!??

G: Laurence, dear, calm down. Oh no, he’s crying again…You are so impulsive.

L: Okay, Lord, I am okay now.

G: Now dear, when you prayed your solemn prayer to St Jude you made a rather special petition. You prayed that you may die in love with Me and Me alone. You didn’t pray that you may die in love with Beatrice or any other human being, though she will always hold a special place in your heart. You prayed that you would fall in love with Me – your Creator and Redeemer.

L: Yes, Lord, that sounds wonderful.

G: It is. Now, dear, what I want you to be is My lover. By which I mean that I want to take the very first place in your life. It is I who am your True Love, you just do not realise it yet. Beatrice is your true love. There is a difference, no? One of us has capital letters at the beginning of our love, and the other one does not. When I tell you I want you to be My lover, I also mean that I want you to truly love, and to be a sign of My Divine Love, in the world, to all you know and all with whom you come into contact. Now, when you called your Beatrice was it, in your opinion, an act of love?

L: Kind of…Okay, no.

G: Did you put her needs first? Did you call her for her benefit? Or did you call her for your benefit? See reader, Laurence has not just committed an act of gross evil, but he already regrets what he has just done. The couple have made something of a pact not to contact each other for the mutual benefit of each and Laurence has broken that pact rather recklessly. However, I am the God who brings Good out of every possible Ill. I say Ill, because what Laurence just did was not Evil. It was just a little rash, and I can tell you the conversation was rather awkward.

See, Laurence, this is exactly why she is your Beatrice. You find yourself in a profound struggle because you are battling between a love that wants to possess another person and a love which lets the other person be free and independent of you. One of these loves is of Me, and the other is not. What is more, this is the same battle that you wanted to overcome the very first day you called out for Me, and it is still going on. Perhaps it always will.

L: Lord, you are right. You are right about everything.

A nodding dog
G: This is why I want My Disciples to be detached from the World. I want you to be in the World, but not of the World. It is very hard to be detached, by which I do not mean aloof, but lovingly respecting all that God has made, including those who you love, even in a romantic way. What did the lady in the garden next to Beatrice’s house say of her dog when it was barking at you, when you visited her recently in the North?

L: She said that the dog only barks at people who aren’t meant to be there.

G: How did you feel when she said that?

L: Like I was not meant to be there.

G: Laurence, you were not meant to be there. When you visited Beatrice only three weeks after telling her you were gay, you made an error of judgement which symbolises in a sense, your betrayal of Me. When you went to visit her in the North, you visited her for yourself. Like in most areas in your life, and I hasten to add, a great many of the human family, you acted on your first impulse to go and see her, because it was what you wanted. You went up to the North to see her, for yourself. The very fact that you asked her to marry you is a symbol of your selfishness. While your identity is one of being a child of God, it doesn’t change the fact that you are gay. What was the poor girl to say? How could she respond to your proposal without anything else but a point blank refusal?

L: I know, Lord.

G: There, there. I know that you regret it, but look, I am here to teach you. I am the Great Teacher. Reader, as you can see, My Laurence is a dreamer. He has a great aversion to dealing with reality. Is this child a Saint? Most assuredly, reader, as you can tell, he most definitely is not. Is he a sinner? Most assuredly he is. But as I say, his chief sin is not his sexuality. It is his selfishness. This is the cause of all his grief.

What have you done now, dear?

L: Lord, I had my ashtray on the floor and left my cigarette to burn a while as I was typing. I forgot clean about it, the cigarette burned and fell off the ashtray. I now have a black burn hole in my carpet.

G: Oh dear. Your landlord will not be happy.

L: I know, Lord. Even the carpet cleaner wouldn’t get the burn off.

G: How many burn marks are there on your carpet, Larry?

L: Two.

G: Why are there two?

L: Because five minutes after I cleaned the one burn mark from a cigarette, I lit another cigarette and exactly the same thing happened. I had to go back and get the carpet cleaner for a second time in five minutes.

G: You are incredible. And so, once again Laurence displays his most amazing knack of failing to learn from his mistakes.

L: Yes. I surprise even myself sometimes, Lord.

G: And this is what is happening in Laurence’s life quite a lot you see reader. He fails to learn from his mistakes. And with the young Beatrice too, he fails to learn from his mistakes. Laurence, I want you to promise me that you will not call her again, or send her a letter and that if you ever feel the urge to do either of these things, pray to Me that I will help you not to do the first thing that comes into your mind with regard to this girl. I know that you love her very much, but you rarely have her best interests at heart.

L: Yes, Lord. Can I still buy her a yacht though, Lord?

G: Of course. You should, however, ensure that she actually wants one first though, child. I don’t think she’ll mind you calling her to ask her that, as in this case you would be finding out what is in her best interests. You never know, she might need a car. And take your hands out of your trousers.

L: Yes, Lord.

G: Really, Laurence, put your hands wherever you like. I am only kidding. See I am just showing you that My love for you is Love indeed, because I allow you to be free to do whatever you want. I don’t want control of you in the slightest. You are not a robot. I don’t put you in chains. I want you to imitate this Love with your neighbour. Allow people to be free, and yes, in particular, allow Beatrice to be free. If you do this you will be My Disciple. So, dear are you feeling better now?

L: Yes, Lord. You are so Wise.

G: How was Mass?

L: Okay. I don’t know, Lord, I never seem to get that much out of Mass. I want to feel Your Presence in the Eucharist, but never do. I think its because I am not contrite enough.

G: The Holy Eucharist is for you, but also it is a source of Grace so that I live in you and gives you the Grace to do those things that are pleasing to Me. It is not about feelings, it is about being there at Mass and giving Me the chance to be with you and for you to hear My Words, which are Spirit and Life. Devotion to Me, a whole-hearted, heart-felt devotion to Me will come in time.

L: It is true, Lord. All Your Words are Spirit and they are Life.


Chapter 8 

G: How are you today?

L: I am okay, Lord. A little stronger today, thanks.

G: You had a nasty dream last night didn’t you?

L: It was a horrible, painful dream.

G: A nightmare?

L: A nightmare, Lord, and it is the same dream I have had for a while now.

G: What happens in your dream?

L: Lord. Beatrice tells me she is to marry another man, and she has already bought the wedding dress.

G: Heartbreak Hotel?

L: Heartbreak Hotel, Lord.

G: Your deepest fears revealed.

L: While I was dreaming it I could feel my heart breaking, Lord. I woke up in deep anguish. I felt like my whole world had ended. My dream shattered to pieces before my eyes. During the dream I felt suicidal.

G: I would call it agony. Prepare yourself, child. That day will come. Remember that you are praying for her happiness, not yours. If she finds someone who makes her truly happy, then as My Disciple, you are obliged to rejoice in her happiness, however much pain this scenario brings you. Should your dream come true, then you will find yourself with Me on the Cross, in a position of suffering love. You will feel like you yourself are being crucified. For the sake of her life, you will lay aside all of your dreams, all of your desires, and all for her happiness. On that day, you will know what it is truly like to love your Beatrice. All this you will do, without a wish for a reward, you will not even have a boyfriend to call.

L: In such a scenario I can see what would happen. I would seek consolation for my heartbreak by seeking a man who could take away my pain if only for a night. I can see, I would almost certainly turn against You in bitterness and go seeking sexual solace with a man. In fact, I would put it in stronger terms than that. I would go to a gay bar, pick up a guy and would allow him to shag my brains out for a night, both as an act of consolation and an act of bitterness against my Maker.

G: I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest. For such reasons did I come. Does all this tell you something? At the beginning of the book you said that you didn’t know what was stopping you from doing that again. You asked My Father, “Is it the Cross, my denial, my pride?” Now you have your answer. Laurence, what is stopping you from doing it again?

L: Her.

G: Is this rational?

L: No.

G: It is not rational, child and you are most certainly not rational. So, let’s get this straight. You are currently celibate (give or take a few solitary indiscretions) because of your feelings for a girl in the North who you are not even going out with.

L: Basically, yes.

G: That’s insane.

L: Completely barking.

G: This has to stop.

L: What my celibacy?

G: No, the motives for your celibacy. If you’re going to be celibate, do it for the love of God, not for the love of a girl who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings towards her, who lives 300 miles away and with whom you have no contact whatsoever. That’s not love, dear, that is called an obsession. If you continue with an obsessive, selfish love, towards any creature then you may have no part with Me.

L: My Christ! You’re right! You are full of Grace and Truth. My God. I am not ready for love, not for a relationship, either with a man or a woman.

G: You are ready for a relationship, but only a relationship with Me. I will teach you in the interior of your heart, I will teach the very heart of you. And then, one day, you will be ready for a loving, human relationship. But no, right now, you are far from ready. It is an ongoing process, however. The lesson of love can last a lifetime, does last a lifetime.

L: My God, for months before I went to see Beatrice, I agonised in my heart as I thought of her, and knew how I still loved her, an ache in my soul. But as long as the days passed I always held myself in check, telling myself, ‘No, I am not ready, I am not ready for love, not with her, not with anyone.’

G: You slipped up this week, yesterday. You slipped up when you went to see her in the North out of your own desires for her. You know now that it was wrong, and I will teach you to let her be. And for this reason, you will fall in love with Me. It was for this reason that I came for you. When you are ready for love with another person, I will tell you Myself. See yourself as a student, My Disciple, and I, your Christ, your Messiah, your Saviour as your Teacher. Do not agonise about what the future may hold in store for you, for it is all in My Hands. There is little you can do to shape your own destiny, for all is in accordance with My Father’s Plan. You are wherever My Providence guides you. You are always in My Hands, so take your joy in fulfilling God’s Will at all moments of your life. Be simple hearted and live simply. Come to Me and speak to Me, write prayerfully to Me and I will answer you. I do not leave you as an orphan. I am always close to you, even when we seem far apart.

L: My God, I pray for Beatrice. I pray for you to amend in some small way the damage I have done in contacting her, any pain I may have caused to be softened by Your love. Bless her and fill her life with good things, with happiness and joy. Protect her and may no harm come to her. May your holy angels guard her from all that is harmful. And may I let her be, in accordance with Your Will.

G: Consider your lover’s prayer answered. I know your pain, Laurence. I have travelled the road of Unselfish Love, the road I want you to travel, the hard but blessed road, the royal road of salvation for you already while I was on Earth. I know about the pain of true love. For this is why I called you. So that you may learn with all your heart what it is truly like to love and cherish others. The very reason you called for Me in the park, I will fulfil it in you. Be patient. In the end you will thank Me for all your hardships, for in it all is My Loving Hand.

I do not say that you will never find another to share love with. I do not say you will never get married and I do not say you will never have a special relationship with another person. All I say is that your imperfections, your inadequacies, your failings will endear your heart to My Heart. And when you are ready, I Myself will give you someone who needs a shelter in you, someone who needs a lover in you, and someone who needs a protector in you. That day will come, and you will rejoice, for you will know that I sent that person to you, to be loved as I have trained you and taught you to love. For My Heart’s desire is to make you more like Me.

L: My Jesus, I long for that day when you become All in All in me. My Christ. I remember the aftermath of my break-up with Beatrice and how You spoke to me in songs, for even then before I believed in You, I heard Your Voice in music speaking to me in songs.

G: Try a Little Tenderness? I led you to Me in hymns of love.

L: Yes, my God. My Lord and my God. I remember the days when Beatrice and I were together, how selfish my love was, and still is! How foolish I was and still am! How weak is my love, and how little my virtue. I have loved poorly!

G: Believe in Me, believe in Me, have faith and have trust that I can make you into a New Creation. Look to the lives of My Saints, look at the Prayers of My Francis, and you will see that all you seek is in Me. Read the writings of the Saints, and study their devotion to Me, the Cloud of Witnesses to My Redeeming Love.

L: But they were not gay, Lord.

Eczema: Man with a withered hand
G: That, my dear, is not your fault and is not a sin. You are you! Who you find attractive is of little consequence to Me. What you do with your inclinations - that is of more consequence. Look to the Saints and look to My Mother, look above all to Me. Seek not to be consoled yourself, but seek to console others, seek not to protect yourself, but seek to protect others, seek not to love yourself but love others. Surrender yourself to My Will in all things, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem to you. Resign yourself to Me. How is the eczema on your hands?

L: It is getting better, Lord. I still need the creams though to stop them from drying, but they are less itchy.

G: Good.

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