Chapter 17

L: My God, I was just outside collecting my laundry when I saw a girl walk down the street in front of me. She looked just like Beatrice, in her walk and hair. Just at that moment a big taxi pulled up alongside me called, “Beatrice’s taxi’s.” It sent an arrow into my heart once more.

G: Yes, indeed.

L:  Then I was at the Video shop and a new movie with a girl called Beatrice in it, struck my eye with a girl on the front with a Wedding dress. Why do you send me such things, O Lord? Such things give me a foolish hope!

G: A sword will pierce your own soul.

L: I went home and collapsed under the heavy weight of the Cross and just cried in my room. She is more beautiful and special than any man in the whole world. How long, O Lord? How long? Father, if you can, take this cup away from me. But still, not as I will, but as Thou wilt.


Chapter 18 

L: Rabboni!

G: What?

L: My Lord and my God! I have just realised something! Something amazing! Something incredible! Something I have to tell the World of!

G: Come back, Judas! I am on the Cross, waiting for you! Come back, child! What, dear one?! What do you want to tell us?!

L: O my soul! Go back to your God! Hug your Crucified Love! It is not my Wedding dream you are preparing me for, is it?! It is hers! O my God! Forgive me! It’s not my dream of happiness you are preparing me for! It’s hers! The reason I called out for You! You have done it! When I called out for You in the Park I didn’t call out for You so that I could win her back at all! I called out for You because I couldn’t wish for her happiness and wanted You to help me! I didn’t call out for You to win her love for me again! I called out for You because I couldn’t put her first! Because I couldn’t put her happiness above my own and truly love and cherish her! I couldn’t let another have her and make her happy. I called out for You because I could only love her with a selfish love that wanted her to myself! You have done it! You are The Truth! You are the Christ! The Messiah, the Son of the Living God! My Lord and my God! That is what my dream was about! My Lord and my God! My Lord and my God! You are my Lord and my God.

Dante and Beatrice sunning it up in Paradise
By God I will go to her Wedding! I will! If she invites me that is! And on that day, I will rejoice in her happiness! For she is my Beatrice! Her Wedding will be my Wedding! Her joy will be my joy! Her happiness will be my happiness! She is the one who led me to You! She was the one who taught me what it means to truly love! Beatrice taught me! For only when we have the awesome love of God in our hearts will we have peace, a love that knows no limits, a reckless love that gives itself and sacrifices itself for the happiness and joy of others!

Two weeks ago I went to St Joseph’s Church and broke down and wept. A kind lady took compassion on me and took me over to a Shrine to Our Lady of Lourdes. There was a petition book to be read out at Mass. In it I wrote, “Dear Blessed Mother, please ask Jesus to heal me from my sickness, please ask Him to help Beatrice be happy in her life and please help my friend Joseph in America with his illnesses.” And what do you know!? The Man and the Lady answer my prayer!

My sickness isn’t my sexuality – That’s my sexual identity! My sickness is the sickness of the self, the sickness of selfish, possessive love that destroys and can will no good! Yes, Lord, I betrayed You, my Master, and ran away with the cold silver of selfish love! Only say the word, O Lord, and I shall be healed! Only say the word, and I shall be healed!

G: Dear reader, My Laurence may be a hard nut to crack, but in My Hands I hold the Keys to his heart. He can forget many of his failures, but deep down he will never forget the reason why he wanted Me in the first place.

Do you remember the first time you told someone you wanted to become a Christian, Laurence?

Where I asked a man to help me become a born again fruitcake
This child saw a man on the tube and followed him all the way from St Paul’s Cathedral to North Acton because he had a Christian bookshop bag. All the way there his legs trembled before he finally got out of the tube with the man and stopped him. “Excuse me,” said Laurence. “Yes,” said the man. “I want…I want…I want to become a Christian. Please help me!” said this poor soul in a trembling voice before breaking down in tears.

Honestly, the things men will do for love. For it was not for his sake that he said it, but for the sake of his beloved. Not that he knew that at the time. All he knew was that he yearned for Me. See this son of Mine, he once was lost, reader, but now he is found. Welcome home, Laurence. O ye of little faith. The Spirit and the Bride say, “Come!” To those who overcome I will give to eat the tree of life in God’s Paradise. I am the Resurrection and the Life, those who believe in me, though they die, yet shall they live.

L: And I must needs die! I must needs die! I must needs die to myself! And live for You! The truth will set you free! My God and my love! Make my dream come true! Make her happy with a man who can love her as she needs to be loved! Someone who can give her all the love she needs. And I, O Lord, I will be there at her Wedding! And when I watch them get married, I will rejoice, and no man will be able to take my joy from me. Because I will know that it is You who have redeemed me from my selfishness, because You are my Teacher, my Christ, my Messiah and my True Love and I am Your Disciple. Forgive me Beatrice! Forgive me reader! Forgive me, my God! The truth will set you free! And I thought I loved! I was sorely mistaken! I only loved myself! I only wanted her for myself, poor fool that I was! How blind! And I thought I could see!

Neo: 'What if I told you Jesus Christ is Lord?'
How empty my notions of love! I had not learned the meaning of true love, a love that lets someone be, that gives itself up for the other! I once was blind, but now I see! She is not mine, she never was, she is Yours, and I should love her in the same way You love her too. With a love that wants no control, with a love that seeks not to own or keep as an obsession! The Miracle has happened! Help her to find someone who can make her happy, Lord! Tell the world! Tell the world! Neo, is not the one! Jesus Christ is the One! Lord Jesus Christ, give me a Love like Yours! Make me totally Yours! Ah Jesus! My God!

G: Ah, Laurence.

L: Every dream comes from God! I knew it! My Lord and my God! My Lord and my God! My Lord and my God! For I know that my Redeemer lives, and He, the last, will stand on earth. I will be there behind my skin, and in my flesh I shall see God. With my own eyes I shall see Him – I and not another. How my heart yearns! Thank you God, for answering my plea for help and guidance. Thank you Father, thank you Son and thank you Holy Spirit. Thank you Blessed Mother Mary and all you Saints. Believe me, reader, that anything is possible for God.

'Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the Truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
Always hopes, always perseveres'
. ………………….....................................................................................................................................

Well reader, I think I am nearly done, as I say, because if I don’t stop writing in this format then my enormous ego will surely go through the roof and start claiming foreign territory! From now on the Lord leaves me to preach the Gospel. So I leave you with something someone wrote on a leaving card for me before I left my former place of work, long before I considered writing this prayerful book to the Lord and long before He told me I was gay. And remember, the next time you get a song in your head, our Lord might be trying to tell you something too. “Write. Let the ink flow – not from your pen, but from your heart – and all you write will be true and will touch the world. Go now friend. And write.”

 Glory be to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. 
As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be. 
World without end. 

G: The Voice of the Lord is powerful. The Voice of the Lord is majestic. I am the Alpha and the Omega. The Beginning and…



 Written by: © Laurence England (August 22, 2003)

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