Human Resources Department
2nd March 2014
I am writing to apply for the position of Pope, since a reader of my blog recently suggested that I 'obviously believe that I may make a better Pope' than the current occupant of the Chair of Peter.
I have good interpersonal skills and am familiar with many aspects of parish life and as a lay man I am secretary at a local parish church and bring with me invaluable experience in the effective administrative operation of a church with an effective brand and a global presence. This experience would be useful in running the entire Universal Church.
Recently, I was trained in the computer software package from Data Development, 'Finance Co-ordinator' and believe this experience may be very valuable in any reforms I would wish to make of the Institute of Religious Works.
I understand that adherence to the Magisterium of the Catholic Church is a vital ingredient of success in the role of Pope and have experience of defending the Infallible Teachings of the Church since 2007 when I started my blog, 'That The Bones You Have Crushed May Thrill'.
I am a good team player but, as is the case with the role of Successor of St Peter, also flourish working alone and using my own initiative. I am flexible in my working hours and my team skills have been refined by working in a local cafe, often working at short notice. Often, when the cafe is busy, I have to show flexibility, serving at one moment on the counter, then taking a food order out to customers, then washing dishes, mugs and cutlery to ensure the smooth running of the cafe.
While my language skills are limited, I have good interpersonal skills, which I use effectively in my role as a cafe assistant and occasionally as an examinations invigilator at a local further education college. I have good written skills, having obtained an A grade in A Level English (Literature and Language) at Oaklands College, Welwyn Garden City, Hertfordshire, and am an able candidate with media relations, having obtained a B grade in Media Studies at the same further education establishment.
I understand, too, that the Papacy has an important role in the political sphere, as each Pope is a Head of State for Vatican City, and believe that my 2:1 degree in Politics (BA Hons) from Liverpool University would be helpful in this regard.
I have read and understand your company's equalities policies and agree that no unjust discrimination should be shown to people on the grounds of their ethnicity, religious affiliation, disability, gender or sexual orientation.
In the light of recent sorrowful events in the Catholic Church, I have also read both your child protection and safeguarding policies. I have a CRB clearance as an Altar Server at a local church and I gained experience in the operation of safeguarding policies from my employment at a local college and from a Preparing to Teach Adults in the Lifelong Learning Sector (PTLLS) Level 3 qualification from the a local adult education establishment.
Teaching is an important role for any Pope - a vital part of the job - and I hope that I can bring to this role my experience of teaching the Faith of Christ online on my blog. I also use my considerable interpersonal and communication skills in person, in my role teaching the desk top publishing package, Adobe Indesign, to local unemployed people at the Brighton Unemployed Centre Families Project.
A pastoral concern for the poor, I notice, is specified as 'desirable', though not essential in the job specification. I have experience on a local soup run, as well as regularly seeing my homeless friend Jason, who is in and out of prison and local homeless hostels.
While I would never wish to undermine the position of your current director, now gloriously reigning, I attach my CV for your perusal should the position at any point become vacant since I believe that I have both the humility and ambition to be successful in the role.
It goes without saying that due to my current lowly status, as well as in accordance with the teaching of the Church, I have not had any contact with the local masonic lodge and have no connections with Freemasons, something that I understand traditionally exempts candidates from the job.
I understand that, under the tutorship of Cardinal Angelo Sodano, your company also runs apprenticeship schemes for prospective candidates and wonder whether there exist any papacy traineeships in the future.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Update: I have received a reply which can be read here.