Sunday, 2 March 2014

Application for the Position of Pope

Human Resources Department
Catholic Church
Vatican City

2nd March 2014

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to apply for the position of Pope, since a reader of my blog recently suggested that I 'obviously believe that I may make a better Pope' than the current occupant of the Chair of Peter.

I have good interpersonal skills and am familiar with many aspects of parish life and as a lay man I am secretary at a local parish church and bring with me invaluable experience in the effective administrative operation of a church with an effective brand and a global presence. This experience would be useful in running the entire Universal Church.

Recently, I was trained in the computer software package from Data Development, 'Finance Co-ordinator' and believe this experience may be very valuable in any reforms I would wish to make of the Institute of Religious Works.

I understand that adherence to the Magisterium of the Catholic Church is a vital ingredient of success in the role of Pope and have experience of defending the Infallible Teachings of the Church since 2007 when I started my blog, 'That The Bones You Have Crushed May Thrill'

I am a good team player but, as is the case with the role of Successor of St Peter, also flourish working alone and using my own initiative. I am flexible in my working hours and my team skills have been refined by working in a local cafe, often working at short notice. Often, when the cafe is busy, I have to show flexibility, serving at one moment on the counter, then taking a food order out to customers, then washing dishes, mugs and cutlery to ensure the smooth running of the cafe.

While my language skills are limited, I have good interpersonal skills, which I use effectively in my role as a cafe assistant and occasionally as an examinations invigilator at a local further education college. I have good written skills, having obtained an A grade in A Level English (Literature and Language) at Oaklands College, Welwyn Garden City, Hertfordshire, and am an able candidate with media relations, having obtained a B grade in Media Studies at the same further education establishment. 

I understand, too, that the Papacy has an important role in the political sphere, as each Pope is a Head of State for Vatican City, and believe that my 2:1 degree in Politics (BA Hons) from Liverpool University would be helpful in this regard.

I have read and understand your company's equalities policies and agree that no unjust discrimination should be shown to people on the grounds of their ethnicity, religious affiliation, disability, gender or sexual orientation.

In the light of recent sorrowful events in the Catholic Church, I have also read both your child protection and safeguarding policies. I have a CRB clearance as an Altar Server at a local church and I gained experience in the operation of safeguarding policies from my employment at a local college and from a Preparing to Teach Adults in the Lifelong Learning Sector (PTLLS) Level 3 qualification from the a local adult education establishment.

Teaching is an important role for any Pope - a vital part of the job - and I hope that I can bring to this role my experience of teaching the Faith of Christ online on my blog. I also use my considerable interpersonal and communication skills in person, in my role teaching the desk top publishing package, Adobe Indesign, to local unemployed people at the Brighton Unemployed Centre Families Project.

A pastoral concern for the poor, I notice, is specified as 'desirable', though not essential in the job specification. I have experience on a local soup run, as well as regularly seeing my homeless friend Jason, who is in and out of prison and local homeless hostels.

While I would never wish to undermine the position of your current director, now gloriously reigning, I attach my CV for your perusal should the position at any point become vacant since I believe that I have both the humility and ambition to be successful in the role.

It goes without saying that due to my current lowly status, as well as in accordance with the teaching of the Church, I have not had any contact with the local masonic lodge and have no connections with Freemasons, something that I understand traditionally exempts candidates from the job.

I understand that, under the tutorship of Cardinal Angelo Sodano, your company also runs apprenticeship schemes for prospective candidates and wonder whether there exist any papacy traineeships in the future.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours faithfully

Laurence England

Enc. CV

Update: I have received a reply which can be read here.


Anonymous said...

LOL ! Did you enclose a s.a.e. for the reply ? Lyn.

Our Lady of Good Success-pray for us. said...

As it is the 'Year of the Laity', and the democratisation of the church is full steam ahead, I would give you my vote as the Office of Pope is being laicized. However being somewhat familiar with your Traditionalism (adherance to the Faith and Her Founder) I'm afraid you would not be a suitable candidate as the ability to publicly deny Revelation, insult the sincere, and placate Satan is non-negotiable.

Anonymous said...

That was very good! What a laugh!

If you get the "position" I would like to be your Secretary of State. OK? I have some international skills that may be of use to you...LOL!

Seriously though,that's what happens when you are an informed lay Catholic - people accuse you of wanting to be pope... quite paradoxical in the post-conciliar Church of so much "lay participation".


Celia said...

I rather think the Vatican's equal opps policy currently disbars sufferers from traditionalist drift.
Among your many distinguished qualifications, you don't mention the essential Diploma in Advanced Hugging. I believe the current postholder is willing to give online tuition, even, if you're cute enough and want to travel to Rome, a personal demonstration!

johnf said...

What regnal name would you take, Lawrence? I've always fancied the name Innocent XIV.

The Bones said...

I've got an interview!

Cardinal Sodano wrote to meet him at two o'clock in the morning in the car park at Rome Ciampino airport, so that I may be taken by car to a place where I will be interviewed the following day!

Liam Ronan said...

What a riot you are, Bones. I do, however, have...ummm...(whatever) to pick with your CV.

You twice mention:

"I have good interpersonal skills..."

This makes me suspicious that you are somewhat careless with what you intend to communicate. Such being the case, you're perfect for the job!

Mary Buchanon said...

I think many may disagree with your 'good social skills' but it's all hypothetical anyway since you would never pass the psychological testing. Also having a mental illness such as OCD would probably mean your application is a non-starter.

Pelerin said...

There is a great 'reply' on Eccles! They suggest you submit your application in Latin to prove you are not a Latinophobe!

Anonymous said...

Sour-grapes for breakfast this morning Mrs. Buchanon? Nasty taste on your tongue...

Ah what a shame when one has no sense of humour...


Eccles said...

An official reply from Cardinal Paperclip may be found on my own blog.

guinadese said...

Lame, back to sixth form humour. Grow up. Marco.

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