Sunday, 15 December 2013

The Great Catholic Apocalypse Quiz

Are you ready for the Book of the Apocalypse Quiz?
In this great liturgical season of Advent, we look forward with yearning to the Great Day when Christ will come to Judge the living and dead and pray earnestly that upon His coming in Glory that we be found to be worthy to stand among His elect to inherit the Kingdom for His Bride, the Church, prepared since before the foundation of the World.

With this in mind, then, I have devised a quiz so that we may remind ourselves of the promises and prophecies to be found in that most clear, decipherable and concise book in the Bible, the Book of the Apocalypse.

Are you ready? Grand!

So let us begin as we refresh our knowledge of this sacred and most beloved of books in Sacred Scripture...

Question 1: For how long is the first beast of the Book of Revelation permitted to utter its boasts and blasmphemies against God, against his name, his heavenly Tent and all those who are sheltered there? Is it:

a) forty two thousand years?
b) 42 months?
c) Whenever Countdown is on?

Question 2: Does the false prophet, the second beast of the Book of Revelation, cause people to worship:

a) A variety of different sportsmen and celebrities?
b) Jesus Christ as Lord and God?
c) The first beast?

"Yes, but is the Novus Ordo an 'authentic' expression?"
Question 3: St John the Divine gives believers a number by which they may recognise the beast, it is the name of a man. This number, is it:

a) 999?
b) 666?
c) All the prime numbers?

Question 4: Once the first beast and the second beast, known as the false prophet have been vanquished and thrown alive into the fiery lake of burning sulphur, the Book of Revelation promises that Our Lord Jesus Christ will reign the Earth emphatically in some manner for:

a) 1000 years.
b) 100,000,000 years.
c) One academic year.

Question 5: A great and famous city will see destruction as the wrath of God is poured out upon the Earth. The city alluded to, the destruction of which people of the Earth will mourn, is known as:

a) New York.
b) Slough.
c) Babylon.

Question 6: Following the second battle of the End, the devil will be thrown into the lake of fire, where the Beast and the false prophet are, and their torture will not stop for:

a) Day or night, for ever and ever.
b) A few hours.
c) Until they apologise.

A bowl of plague is released on the Earth...
Question 7: How many bowls of plagues shall fall upon the Earth?

a) 7
b) 27
c) 144,000

Question 8: How many Jehovah's Witnesses shall be saved?

a) 144,000
b) None. No, I tell you, not a single one.
c) It's not made clear, given that this is a bizarre sect that arose hundreds of years after the book was written.

Question 9: As the seventh angel empties his bowl into the air there were then flashes of lightning and peals of thunder and the most violent earthquake...

a) Since the last one.
b) Since that one in Pakistan a few years back.
c) That anyone has ever seen since there have been men on earth.

Just say 'No!' to the mark of the beast. It's a world of pain.
Question 10: All the people branded with the mark of the beast and who had worshipped its statue will suffer:

a) Violent and virulent sores
b) Violets and vintage furniture
c) Violas and violins

Question 11: The second beast, which emerged from the ground, which had two horns like a lamb but made a noise like a dragon, will compel everyone, both small and great, rich and poor, slave and citizen to be branded on:

a) Live TV shows such as Big Brother and hit musical wannabe series such as Pop Idol and X Factor.
b) The little area behind the knee, on the left leg.
c) The right hand or on the forehead.

Question 12: All those who worship the beast and his statue, or have had themselves branded on the hand or forehead will be made to drink:

a) A range of different beers at an ale festival in the Kent region in the height of summer
b) the wine of God's fury which is ready, undiluted, in his cup of anger
c) Champagne

A lake of fire, otherwise known as the fiery lake of burning sulphur
Question 13: In fire and brimstone, for how long will the smoke of their torture in the presence of the holy angels and the Lamb go up for, with regard to those who have had themselves branded on the hand or forehead?

a) Forever and ever, with no respite day or night.
b) Until Coronation Street is finished.
c) Until the end of the Last Gospel at the end of the Traditional Latin Mass.

Question 14: How many stars are upon the head of the Woman of the Apocalypse upon whom war is waged by the dragon?

a) 5.
b) 144,000.
c) 12.

Question 15: Upon what does this Woman stand and with what is she adorned?

a) She is adorned with the sun, standing on the moon.
b) She is adorned with moon, standing on the sun.
c) She is standing on the Earth and whatever it is she adorned with, none of it is made by Primark because she hates consumerism.

Question 16: Towards the conclusion of the Book of the Apocalypse (22:14-15), Jesus Christ calls happy those who will have 'washed their robes clean, so that they will have the right to feed on the tree of life and can come through the gates of the city'. Others must stay outside. These include:

a) Sad Christians, liquid Christians, self-absorbed neo-promethean pelagians, airport Bishops, querulous and disillusioned pessimists, restorationists, rosary counters, sourpusses, authoritarians, elitists, liturgical obsessives, specialists of the Logos and all manner of functionaries.
b) Dogs, fortune tellers and fornicators, and murderers and idolaters, and everyone of false speech and false life.
c) Since the Equality Act has forbade any form of discrimination, nobody, as long as you don't hold onto any entrenched, intolerant views that may offend some people or are poor or homeless.

'Starry, starry night...'
Question 17: The third angel blew his trumpet and a huge star fell from the sky, burning like a ball of fire, and it fell on a third of all rivers and springs. What is it called and why?

 a) It is called Wormwood, because a third of all water turned to bitter wormwood, so that many people died from drinking it.
b) It is called Frank, named after St Francis of Assisi, so there is nothing to worry about since it will bring about peace, fraternity, an era of global friendship and solidarity with the poor. Everything will be great.
c) It will be called Retired. It will be the title of the last Rolling Stones album and it will be both tremendous and devastating. It will be the most dazzling concept album ever astounding both critics and fans.

Question 18: The famous prostitute of Babylon rides:

a) A bicycle.
b) A scarlet beast.
c) A rollercoaster on Brighton Pier every other Saturday.

'Get up, stand up, stand up for your rites!'
Question 19: What will God wipe away upon the descent of the New and Heavenly Jerusalem at the End of Time in the Book of the Apocalypse?

a) All tears from their eyes; there will be no more death, and no more mourning, or sadness. The world of the past has gone.
b) Crypto-lefebrevists from the very face of the Earth as well as the use of the Latin language in worship
c) Any Roman rite that does not constitute an authentic expression of the liturgical tradition of the Church

Question 20: How many witnesses will God send to prophesy for those twelve hundred and sixty days, wearing sackcloth, known as the two olive trees and the two lamps that stand before the Lord of the world?

a) 2
b) 200
c) er...144,000?

Question 21: Fill in the following blank with the appropriate word concerning with whom the beast is given power to make war and to overcome.

'And it was given unto him to make war with the _________ and to overcome them. And power was given him over every tribe and people and tongue and nation.'
a) Iranians
b) Saints
c) Leadership Conference of Women Religious (LCWR)

Question 22: At the end of the Book of the Apocalypse, Jesus Christ refers to Himself when He says:

a) I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.
b) Don't mind me, I am just the lowly, humble, poor Nazarene carpenter. My followers know me as Jesus but equally you could call me something else, like Mohammed, Lord Shiva or Ghandi. We've all got our own truths at the end of the day. As long as you are happy in your own truth, that's the main thing.
c) I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End but then again I could be pretending, depending on whether or not the person reading this book is a Jesuit, in which case you might as well forget it.


gracem said...

You are soooooo funny and so clever!

The Bones said...

If you enjoyed it, Gloria Deo!

Supertradmum said...

Is Slough a famous city? Wow. I did not know...

Lynda said...

Too clever, by halves!! Thanks for the relief, for your understanding and consolation. You've truly been gifted.

Martina Katholik said...

Regarding question 2, I just found:

Pope Francis: without prophecy, only clericalism

“A church without prophets falls into the trap of clericalism."(...) As we prepare for the birth of the Lord, Pope Francis concluded, let us pray: “Lord, let us not lack prophets amongst your people!” All those who are baptised are prophets: let us not forget God’s promise, let us not tire of moving forward.",_only_clericalism/en1-756052

The corresponding German article is even more weird.

Pope: Church needs prophecy instead of clericalism

Papst: Kirche braucht Prophetie statt Klerikalismus

Martina Katholik said...

Pope: When Church lacks prophecy the vacuum is filled by legalism and therefore clericalism
“A prophet is a man of three times: the promise of the past, contemplation of the present; the courage to show the way towards the future.”

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