Monday, 30 September 2013

Controversial Lord Slams Divans, Launches Scathing Attack on Britain's Favourite Bed

The bed most offensive to God?: The classic divan with under-bed storage
By Bill Gardner
Religious Correspondent 
The Argus

Shocked parishioners of Brighton's Catholic churches walked out distraught yesterday as they heard of God's detestation for divan beds.

Divans slammed, but set for bounce back

The divan bed, well known for its comfort as well as useful under-bed storage facility was at the heart of a controversial statement in yesterday's reading that sent shockwaves through the Catholic community, 67% of whom are said to own the offending instruments of sleeping luxury. In the biblical passage read out at Mass yesterday, the controversial Lord blasted the divan, leaving communicants wondering whether they should approach the Sacred Banquet of Holy Communion, having slept on a divan bed just the previous night.

'Woe to those ensconced so snugly in Zion
and to those who feel so safe on the mountain of Samaria,
Lying on ivory beds and sprawling on their divans,
they dine on lambs from the flock...'

That's better!: An ordinary bed construction pleasing to the Lord
Catholic quilt complex

In what has since become known as 'Catholic quilt complex', many worshippers complained of the Lord's controversial words over one of the nation's favourite beds. One worshipper who came to Mass five minutes late and left immediately after Communion said,

"You have to get to know the Lord first before you make up your mind about some of the things He says. Sometimes He just gets angry and blows His top over something that appears relatively small and unimportant - divans being a case in point. He did this especially in the Old Testament. It's a part of His personality and you just have to get used to it. What can we say? 'In a quilt I was born, a sinner was I conceived'. I think you have to supply a corrective to the divan thing and that is that Jesus's approach is much more gentle and caring. Perhaps if the Lord were to know just how popular the divan was to become in the 21st century, He might have thought twice about saying that. I can understand how many think that's just offensive to modern sleepers."

The first time they tried this, he was lowered on a divan
How did Jesus treat the divan?

Speculation is rife that some of the Lord's healings in the New Testament may have had to be 're-done' because of God's dislike of the divan.

For example, the man lowered through the roof in the Gospels, we are told, is lowered down on a 'bed'. Theologians suggest that the first time the man was lowered through the roof, he was on a divan. Knowing He was to fulfill the whole law, His Apostles sent him back up the roof saying, "Look, the Lord wants to heal you, but lose the divan already! You know how much His Dad can't stand them!"

In another example, the healing of Jairus's daughter, theologians speculate whether the Lord Jesus, approaching the bed of the young girl may have realised that she was sleeping on a divan and only healed her out of his boundless compassion, in spite of his obvious misgivings about the luxury bed with the useful under-mattress storage facility so loved by the people of today.

Theologians continue to ponder on whether the Lord possibly checked under the sheets first to make sure it wasn't a divan and, seeing that it was an ordinary bed without the useful compartments for storage, healed the girl.

Mercy: The Lord heals Jairus's daughter even though she's on a divan?
As can be seen in the re-construction, the family and friends of the young girl clearly tried to cover up what kind of bed she was sleeping on. Some speculate that she was moved to a different bed, which was not a divan, while others maintain she was indeed on a divan, but the Lord, knowing everything, looked with pity and compassion upon the young girl and in His mercy healed and raised her up anyway.

Argus survey reveals crisis at heart of Catholic Church

An exclusive Argus survey of two Catholics in the region suggested that if God's position on the divan does not change substantially within the reign of Pope Francis the slumbering Church will eventually die due to lack of members. Many Catholics hope that Pope Francis will enable the Church to get with a more comfortable programme for the Church's members all round, but if he does not come up with the goods many in the Church will take at face value the words of the Lord who told the crippled man to 'take up thy bed and walk'.

'Memory foam': A mental affliction affecting many Catholics
My 'memory foam' agony

These angered Catholics, however, will take up their beds and walk out of the Church with one man saying...

"I've suffered all my life with this kind of Catholic quilt complex. Why should I have to change my bed, or even my sheets, for religious reasons? Why is the Catholic Church always interfering in the bedroom? It hurts so much, it really does no good at all for my memory foam."

'Memory foam' is a mental condition that affects many Catholics, the image to the left showing exactly what happens when Catholics are indoctrinated by the Church with notions of sin or Salvation. The graphic image let's Argus readers know just how impressionable are the minds of these Catholics, that they absorb both shock and information (shocking information) so readily.

Two minutes of pop perfection there. William, it really was nothing. It was your journalistic integrity, now lampooned regularly on the internet.


Nicolas Bellord said...

And what about that bit about bawling to the sound of the harp? I must say I kept stum when we got to "Bind us together" What on earth is that about?

Pelerin said...

I sleep on a divan which has no underbed storage. Is this allowed or am I only half a Catholic? Perhaps a Cath or even an Olic? I think we should be told.
Worried Gran of Worthing

Unknown said...

I sleep on a fair trade hessian sack mattress not made by slaves in Africa, but only with members of the same sex called Tiddlywoo.

Celia said...

This may explain why my cat is trying to tear my divan to pieces. That and the loss of a cat-friendly presence at the Vatican.

You made me laugh and forget P. Marini for a moment.

The Bones said...

Hmm...I believe the idea of the rich man being anyone but me is pretty appealing.

johnf said...

May I remind you that the Ottomans invented the divan I.e. the Sultan's Council ( mind you they invented the ottoman as well).

So using a divan sounds pretty dodgy for a Christian.

Nicolas Bellord said...

When I studied philology in my youth we were told that one of the ill-effects of the crusades was that returning knights had been corrupted into some pretty softy habits which fed through into Provencal and thus into romance languages with words such as mattress. Wikipedia explains:

The word mattress derives from the Arabic "matrah", which means "to throw down" or "place where something is thrown" or "mat, cushion." During the Crusades Europeans adopted the Arabic method of sleeping on cushions on the floor, and the word materas eventually descended into Middle English through the Romance languages.[2]

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