"Your Holiness. You're not going to believe this! Well, it turns out that a well-connected network of vile heretics have, over the past few years, been attaching paper shredders to the inside of our letter boxes that are so technologically advanced that they only shred letters from Rome. I know! Don't ask me how?! We're talking top secret NASA technology here, Your Holiness! Now, Your Holiness, my suspicion is either the CIA, Mossad, or the Russian military, or Al Quaida. Of course, we don't rule out a combination of all four!"
"We don't know who was really behind the assassination attempt of Pope John Paul II. Yes, we know he's just been released and he's still a psychopath only now on top of that he thinks he's the new messiah! But likewise, we are not 100% sure who was behind this attack on the hierarchy of the Church! Sure, it looks like an inside job! But this conspiracy has been so well orchestrated that even we, Your Bishops, Your Holiness's loyal servants, were hitherto unaware of it. There must be at least one of these insidious enemies of the Church, employed by every Diocesan office in the land. We will root them out, Your Holiness, these infiltrators, one by one. We will update you on our progress by letter every week. We've been given the name of 'Osomewuns Bin Shreddin'. Sure, we used to employ him! We were on good terms, but clearly he has turned! Now, Your Holiness, now the hunt begins in earnest! Er...what's the address again?!"
Read Fr Ray Blake's post on the Black Hole that is England and Wales. Okay, enough. Point made.